6/1/10

Today, I got a call from The Pittsburgh Project. . . They want me to move in tomorrow. I didn't plan on moving in until the end of this week. They wanted me to go to this welcome dinner at 6pm this night. I decided to go to at least the dinner to check the place out. It's very interesting.

Today has been a little emotional for me. I feel like I have just been thrown into this all of a sudden. The weird thing is, they want to start training and everything and want me to move in, but I still have training with AmeriCorps until the end of this week. And...I won't see my kids until June 24! Anyway...I just feel like I'm being shipped off in a moments notice, and it's just not comfortable. It doesn't stop there.

So i arrived for the dinner, but they were running late and they were still in Worship time. As i waited and watched as they finished...I couldn't help but feel anxious. I don't know if anxious is the right word... I just didn't feel... "there". The prayer and sermon was very intensely religious. Had I known this is what it was like before...I don't know if i would have chosen it.... Everything here is centered around christianity. Nothing is wrong with that at all, I just wasn't expecting it to be this much.
As I walked outside to the cafeteria for dinner with Ginny (the lady who will be showing me around and getting me ready), we talked about the religiosity of the place. I can tell she knew kind of what I was thinking. I didn't know how to carefully bring this topic up without her thinking "why the heck are you here then?" She very subtly told me that they do prayer every morning and after the day and before every single meeting throughout the day and have Worship at the end of the day. I didn't say much, and i think she was catching on. I stopped our walking, just outside the cafeteria and paused for a minute to figure out in my head how to say this politely..... "Ginny...I don't think I have a problem with this place being faith-based. I was born and raised Catholic. I just.......I don't think.........." and I started to become a little emotional because I didn't know what to say....partly because I didn't want to sound rude and partly because.....I have no idea where my faith stands..if I have any. and she said "Jeremy...don't worry about it. We have this mindset that everyone who comes to work with us share our faith, but we have to understand that not everybody does, and thats ok. You don't have to participate in any of the faith activities"
You would think that would make me feel better....but it doesn't. How do I explain to my peers i will work with and children that I'm not at any of the faith activities? How do I explain to all the peers I see at breakfast that I am never at the morning prayer? I would like to just say "You know guys....I just don't share that faith" and think they would be ok with that. But I know they are not and will not. Do i just go along with it and see what I think of it all?

After a semi-quiet dinner on my part (mostly because of thinking and trying to take this all in), I was brought home by Ginny. I've done some thinking since the visit. Tomorrow seems so rushed and fast-paced to move me into this place I don't feel 100% comfortable with. My current mindset is I should just go into this and see what happens. Maybe i will become comfortable with it. One of the biggest parts is...the living situation. Sure, this is free rent and free meals..but i will be living with 3 other roommates. What if we just don't get along? What if they find out who i REALLY am, and can't accept that? Part of me just wishes I could find a different place, but I'm not going to. I'm going to give this a chance. I'm not going to give up. But i will say....If i give this a chance and just don't feel comfortable, I'm not going to fake it and go along. I will feel bad for the kids, but I can't work with an organization that is so faith-based I don't feel comfortable, I just couldnt do that.
One thing I thought about (and phill helped me think about it more) is .... what if this in fact.....helps me. What if I go along with, and what if I go to all the prayers, worships, and faith activities....and most of all...what if I get my faith back? As you all know...my faith is...well, if not questionable, next to non-existant. It has nothing to do with me being gay, I just have lost the connection, stopped going to church, and have been through a lot of things where I either don't believe a "higher being" should let certain things happen or I've come across some things that seem a little contradictory to me. I'm not getting into that though. Point is---my faith in religion is lacking, and what if this experience provides a light (per-say) into the faith I once lost.

I've done a lot of thinking about this. The move from Michigan to Pittsburgh has been tough enough...actually the single hardest physical move I've had to do in my life. This very sudden move to the site is going to be hard as well. I think i might be more comfortable if this wasn't faith-based...but I'm going to give it a shot. I am a believer in everything happens for a reason. Maybe there is an underlying reason behind this I am too oblivious to see. Time will tell.

Thanks for reading.