9/22/10

"Gonna let it rock
Let it roll
Let the Bible belt come down
And save my soul
Hold on to 16 as long as you can
Changes coming around real soon
Make us women and men"

Isn't that the truth. How many times do we tell ourselves "Man, I wish I was ___ again"? Truth be-told, this job has made me covet that notion more and more. I'm not putting up a front and I'm not being fake in terms of expression of my great job, more specifically on Facebook. I do like my job. I do like being at The Pittsburgh Project and I love the people there. I do like being part of AmeriCorps. With every "job" there comes that inevitable drag, along with all the pinnacles of the position. For me, I never got to be Jack and Diane for very long at all (if you don't know what I'm talking about by now, google it, it will make sense. trust me). Early in my venture in the 'Burgh, I did let the Bible belt come down and save my soul...err.....not exactly so much save my soul, but let back into my soul. And if the term "Hold on to 16 as long as you can" not express my wishes enough, I'm not sure what else does. Oh wait, of course, the next couple words, "Changes coming around real soon, Makes us women and men." Where have my last 8 years of my life gone? If we really do travel down that path to find the answer, I'm afraid, my friend, we might get lost in the darkness. The light switch is somewhere between taking after my older siblings and being the first of my older siblings to go to college, and perhaps somewhere along the lines of being independent and starting laundry, cooking, and writing checks at the age of 12. You would think from all of this, I would be used to being responsible and doing things independently. No. No, in fact, I'm struggling just as much as anyone else is right now, perhaps even more. I'm not ready to be a grown man. What is this woe that has robbed me of the youth life? I'm not complaining about having responsibility or growing up in general. Hell, I've gone through stuff that middle aged men don't know how to deal with.

With the ideology of being independent and responsible, comes this job at the Project. Not going to jag yinz, It's hard stuff. This is not easy by any means. I'm quickly (by force) learning community organization skills. To give you a run-down, I'm expected to create a community assessment on food security, hunger rates, health concerns, and accessibility. I am to carry out a plan of action for the local homeless shelter in order to sustain a long-term participation with the children of this community. I am to maintain the three Urban gardens and farms we operate and run the weekly farmers market. Then there are the volunteers. If there is one thing I can tell you about volunteers if you are going into anything community related----- Do Not Count On Them. They are as likely to come back to you as a balloon you set free in the sky. So this long-term Volunteer Strategy Plan of Action I'm expected to accomplish.... well, I really don't know where to start when there as much volunteers that are actually "faithful" to our program that I can count on one hand. Mind you---most or all of those volunteers are "faithful" because they are on some federal welfare program where they receive their welfare from service hours.

This is not the community for a large garden interest. It just isn't. The idea is grand, but the demographic for people to bring their family on the farm and do manual labor with dirt just isn't here. I'll tell you where that interest is----white suburban neighborhoods. And how much more true does this statement become when the North Side community sees mostly white people at the farm stand and always a group of white kids working on the farm. Oh, how so encouraging. I have nothing to say to these neighbors when they tell me they hate our program because we do is have these suburban kids work on our farms. Ok... you got us. But... if you are bitter about it, why don't you do something. I've worked my ass of this summer recruiting volunteers for the garden and nobody shows up. Gee, I wonder how we will ever get anything done on this farm.

This is just one instance where I'm sitting in my office beating myself up internally because I have no idea what to do about this. We can't have these kinds of groups work on this garden forever. So how in the world am I supposed to get these community members to plant flowers for us. More importantly, how are they supposed to take me seriously? True, I have a wonderful support from a section of the neighborhood from my work in the summer, but that section still can't be responsible for helping me get people on the farm. I'm expected to create a documentation plan of how to carry out a long-term volunteer strategy plan....when I don't even know the simplest, short-term plan to even begin. There are times where I'm sitting in my office thinking Why am I doing this? There are people much more qualified to do this job than I am. I just don't have the confidence level I need for this job. It's just not what an ordinary 20 year old is standard to doing.

Well, it's time to get ahold of the bootstraps. My days of teenage love and contemplation about my future are over. How the hell I'm supposed to do this job in this community, I haven't got the slightest clue. I'm sure I have pretended quite well to everyone else that I know how to. Don't let that fool you.

9/14/10

"Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom."

If you really knew me. . . you would know so much more than you think. You look at people you know, and you say "I know you." But do you? Do we really know them, or do we know of them. Do we know about them? If we really knew someone, would they have to tell us what they were feeling behind their mask, without them saying anything?

Do you know me? There are a very select few who really...i mean really know me. Through the most burdensome times, I've found who is there for me. Who knows me. Can you think of someone who really knows you. I'm not talking about your self-reputed "BFF". Who knows what you are thinking, without seeing your eyes, your mouth, or hearing your voice? Anyone? Truth is, many of us will say "Duh Jeremy, God knows me". Okay, well (1) that's a cheap shot.. I know that. And don't come back to me saying "Well, no one knows me like God does--" Stop. I know this as well. For now, let's leave Him out of this. We know He knows all of our deepest secrets, knows us better than we know ourselves, and knows how we are feeling, even before we know what we are feeling. (2) If you really knew me, you would know how I feel about things as if you were God. Okay, that's a little weird and may not make sense, sooooo I'm saying, if you knew me, you would know me better than I know myself. I can think of one person right now in my life (who's alive) that I have this connection with. My hope and prayer is that yinz all have someone who you can turn to when the world is raining down on you, and they are already behind you when you start to turn around and run away.

We know of people. We know about their lives. We know how they feel.

But do we know what they think behind their facade of what they show on their faces, but hide in their mind? Do we know what they hide inside and forbid to tell anyone, but you still know what they burry deep inside of that place where we suppress our most unwanted thoughts?

I want to take this moment to thank 3 people who have been there and knows me... I mean really knows me. They know what I want to say, when I put my infamous "everything is ok" smile on. They can see right through it, and don't believe it for a half second. One is God, the other one knows who he is and I feel there is no need to exploit his name right now, the other is and has been watching over me with God.

I want to leave with this: My intent of this blog was not to discourage you of your friendships at all. Not at all. I have some amazing friendships, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Instead, take my words as a reflection instillment. If you really knew me... you would know that I have never forgot some things that I refuse to talk about. You would know that I suppress so many things that I'm halfway stepping over the edge of crying when someone mentions it or it come back to me. You would know that I blame myself for things I shouldn't to this day, that I blame myself for a death I wasn't at. If you really knew me, you would know I am incredibly happy with my life right now even though I wish I could change more about my life than what has changed already in the last 5 months, and you would know I would do anything.... to go back.

I'm not trying to make this deep and depressing at all, haha. Just some really interesting prompting reflection. And remember, "Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom." God Is Good.

9/9/10

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

Where do I even begin. This song is just a sample of what this week at the CCDA has taught me. It's a symbol of the ray of light that has been shone by the grace of God this week. I know it is none other than Him, and only Him that has made these experiences for me magical. I asked God to really show me what Christian Community Development was about. To be honest, I don't think I got too much out of that particular philanthropy. However, I have been extremely blessed by the wisdom of God's word during this trip that has been shone to me via bible study, worship and praising, meeting and talking to other people, thinking and reflecting and just being here in the presence of thousands of followers of Him. It's funny how a couple months ago, I would have never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be at a CCDA conference, let alone at a faith-based organization. The path that God has let me travel has been extremely rewarding and it's something so much bigger than me, I can't even begin to comprehend. Truly, Lord, I've asked you to "tune my heart to sing thy grace" I have sung your grace this time here in Chicago. I have been able to see what your grace can actually do. "Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it, Mount of thy unchanging love." I have asked the Lord to guide me on this Praise that I am indeed fixed upon. I've been asking that this will continue to be an unchanging love. I've asked him for strength....strength I can't even imagine. Because let's be real-- I've lost my love with God and told myself, and Him, that I would never go back. I had that infamous question of "how could he let such a horrible horrible thing happen to someone?" That's a different story (err...blog).

However I attempt to describe my stay here, it can never serve justice to what it actually is. To have thousands of people in one place, here for the same reason. It's incredible. Everyone here wants to learn more about God's will and how to better service his will. We all want to know how to become better servants of God. When we all come together to praise and worship in one big room, it gives me goosebumps. When we are all there praising, I think that people either leave their problems they are dealing with out the door, or lift their struggles up to the Lord as they embrace the power and energy from everyone else. For me, I don't check out my problems at the door. Rather, I bring them with me wherever I go. True, most of the time they stay dormant. But, when I feel that I am really connecting with God, especially during worship, I offer my struggles to the Lord and just really ask him to accept my struggles and to help me deal with these issues. I lift them up to the Lord. Tomorrow is the last day, and we leave on Saturday. I have met so many people here, and they are all very incredible and inspiring. I have made some great connections for my personal and career lives. There's a great feeling that comes out of meeting a stranger, getting to know them, finding commonalities, and knowing how we can help each other. I've met people in Tennessee, Texas, Washington D.C., and Kentucky. No matter where we come from, we all can help each other in one way or another. We are a learner to one person, and a teacher to another.

Let us never forget the power of the Lord and what his will is. Let us not forget what we as his people can accomplish, and by that goal, let us leave racism, discrimination, and any other negative things we hear about our brothers and sisters, and let us leave that negativity somewhere else. As God's people, we have a mission to carry on his will. That is what we are here for. We can't expect to just be a christian and believe in God, and go to church and expect to walk into Heaven with a wide open gate. What is it to be a Christian? To go to church, read the bible and believe? Um.... No. We have to spread his word to others. We have to carry out his will by working on making the communities more socially just. It's so much more than just believing. I can't wait to see what the end of this conference has in store for me. I feel I am going to go back home with a new, refreshed feeling and vision of why I am here in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Project. This uncharted territory is exciting...and I'm ready.