I'm sitting here with the sun baking down on the living room, boxes filled, walls and shelves bare. I'm just about finished, and it took me almost all day to fill 5 boxes and 2 suitcases. Clearly, I hate moving. I think it is more than just "moving". I've never been too receptive to change in life. I've gone through a lot of change in the past couple years....huge life-decision changes, but is it safe to say that everyone hates change? Almost every big even that has happened in my life the last couple years, I've hated the change at first, and was persistent this isn't what I wanted to do, and had to have some of my best friends convince me I am doing great things and that this is purely just another simple freak episode I'm acting up. Tis true....what would I do without yinz.
Deciding to move to Pittsburgh for 3 months, summer 2010: Convinced myself that I made a huge mistake and felt as if I was thrown in the fire....a huge, dark, hellish pit of fire. Oh how close I was to clicking "Book Now" on that Expedia page for a plane ticket home, a week in. Again, I had the best of friends tell me this will be a good experience, and that everything will be okay. They were right. Surprise.
Deciding to extend my AmeriCorps contract for another 10 months and take a year off from school: After months of stupid deliberation and back and forth between this huge, huge, huge decision, I still told myself I'm making a mistake. Again, my friends stepped in when I needed them the most, just when I thought I was so alone. At this point...I'm thinking my friends (most of whom were supporting me from Michigan) aren't that bad ;)
Deciding to go to University of Pittsburgh and call this City my Home: If there was one point in my recent years that I've doubted myself the most, this is it. I felt it was almost a taboo when I was sending in my application for admission to the University of Pittsburgh. Yet, there was something, or someone, that convinced me this is actually just the path that was set out for me.
You can resist all you want, but our lives have a pre-determined path for us. It may be buried under some dirt and we can't really see where this path is going, often where our path is going 2 feet in front of us. Trust me, I've felt as if I was just being a badass rebel and going on my own path. To the best of my understanding....I feel like this is somehow the path that I was always meant to go to. Never did in my life did I imagine I would even visit Pittsburgh, let alone live, work, and study here. I think any of you reading this know already that I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason. This is no exception.
Think back to high school english literature class. Remember that crazy homosexual poet Ralph Emerson? Yeah, that crazy one. He said "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave the trail." Okay, so, I'm an advocate of going through life to your own path and whatever, but keep in mind, the trail you've seen ahead of you may not be the path that you will follow. Things happen in our life...BIG things (moving, death, breakups, etc.) and they happen for a reason. Imagine you are walking down this beautiful trail and a tree fall---wait, make that 3 trees fall in front of you. You're screwed right (considering you are still alive)? You can't go that way...even though you really really wanted to and that was your plan from the start. Now what....go back? N0, silly. Find an alternate route. Granted, when something so tragic stops us in our life journey, sometimes we do go back and that becomes part of grieving...ugh that's another story. Anyway, so you find an alternate route. It's all part of the end plan. Only the Lord Almighty knows exactly what we are doing in every obstacle we face and how we face it....even in the times where we have no idea what to do and seem to be standing very still in place.
I think the objective I'm trying to get out of my system, is that tomorrow starts another, small, change in my life. Nothing major, but it all reminds me of the other changes I've made in my life and how receptive I've been. I"m okay moving. Hell, I'm f 'ing excited! This is going to be a big difference: No shootings, safe streets, walking distance to everything needed in life to survive (including Silk Elephant Thai restaurant), and close to school. I tell everyone I'm not going to miss the North Side. Who am I kidding. These gangs have been my neighbors, of course I'll miss them.....
Yesterday one of the community members that I've talked with and gotten to know while working at the Pgh Project put on a Saturday flea market. I was so proud of her. It was a great hit! She did it all by herself and I couldn't be more happy that some people are actually taking something positive away from it all ("it all" being my work with them). She even told me yesterday "You remember when you first introduced yourself to the NAB? I was thinking in my head 'oh hellllllll no. Him? Him?! Really?!' but now I'm going to miss you so much and am so glad you were here and sad that what you were doing isn't going to keep happening. I want to pick up where you left off. I want to do what you tried to do for this community."
That....is worth all the tears and frustrations I've had in the past year. It is worth all the community meetings that I've been stood up for.
I'm excited to move. It's going to be great. I will miss some people here on the North Side. I'll miss my Pittsburgh Project family---the first group of people who welcomed me into this City with open arms to make me feel relaxed as can be, and who will always have some place in my heart for how accommodating and caring they were.
Well... Farewell North Side. You've challenged me in so many ways, and scared the hell out of me. I want to come back in a couple of years and see things change. Because let's face it...there is a path for this community, as there is a path for me. Let's see where it goes!
