6/30/10

Today was great :) I cannot begin to explain the joy I have about the journey I have come across since coming here to Pittsburgh and The Project.

I have learned so much here at the Project. I cannot imagine any other place where I could learn so much about life, about my faith, and most of all....about myself. There have been some challenging times here with the children and all, but nothing, and I mean nothing competes with the love, strength, wisdom, and the sense of family that I get from being here. It is not just the people here. They will come and go, some of them. It is the mission, the atmosphere and the passion this Project has. There is something special about this place. There truly is.

As many (or all) of you know, before coming here, and a couple days after, I truly hated the thought of being here. The idea to be in a Christian-based organization for the whole summer frightened me. Who are these people going to accept? What will they be like? Will they be welcoming? Will they be open-minded? Am I going to be able to talk to anyone?

These questions raced through my mind day after day until one day. One day, I noticed something about this place. People aren't perfect. Christians....are not perfect. No one is. And these people here do not act like there is nothing wrong and that God is so wonderful that everything is well. People realize this community needs a lot of help. They know that. They know their own lives need a lot of help. Not everyone here has a flawless and strong relationship with God. I started to feel welcomed. I'm not sure why. I think I felt a little at ease when i realized these people are so open-minded. They are incredibly open-minded. This whole family of staff that lives and works here. They are amazing.

Over the course of about 4-5 weeks, I have become part of something bigger than myself. Something........bigger than myself. I didn't think i would ever say that. Do you know how good that feels? Let me tell you......it feels like.... well.....it really is emotional. There is something here that really is comforting to me. There is something here that lets me know everything is going to be ok for me. Something....that helps me get through my struggles, no matter what they are. It is something that is always there....ALWAYS there. Do you know what it is.....

It's Family.

I have family here. It's community. I am surrounded by love here and best of all....they remind me every......single.....day.

Here I am. Writing this blog. About this amazing community here. This amazing place we call the Pittsburgh Project. So here I am. I have fallen in love. I have had my heart ripped right from my chest when Shane died on me. I will never forget the pain I was put through. I was so emotionally weak that I couldn't even tell if I was hungry...or when the last day I ate was. I've gone through hell in my life. But now....as I write my testimony about being here at this ...... this safe Haven at the Project...with this caring family I have become a part of.... I cry. These are tears of joy people. I have never felt so welcomed at a place. Never have i felt so embraced, so empowered, so loved, so encouraged, and so included in a community.

I have changed as a person here. I am not done changing. But I do believe a small part of me has made me a changed person.

I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't. These people here have taught me so much about life. So much more than I can imagine. They have taught me a great deal about faith....and we are just getting started. I have learned so much about community. Also a lot about gardening ;). But most of all.....they have helped me learn so much about myself. Who is this person, I ask. Who is this person who walked into the Project with almost no faith? I'm not saying I have a deep connection with God now. I don't. And it will take a long long time. But right now, I feel so empowered by his people, and his community here. I believe I can work on this relationship.

I have had a relationship where the connection faded. Eventually, the connection was non-existant because the person I put all trust into....all my devotion....took his life. I believed in nothing. Nothing at all. Then.... i found that connection I lost. It was always there.

I'm feeling the same way right now about my relationship with God. I had a good relationship with him at one point. I lost it for a really long time. I think by the help of my friends (or "family") here, I am starting to realize He was always there.

So. Here is my announcement. I know most of you are not going to like this. I know. And I do apologize. But please understand this....I am doing this because I KNOW that this is what I need to do. I am extending my stay of AmeriCorps for another year. Here. At the Project. As far as school, I am going part time during the year. Will i go back to school after this? Of course I will. I am so dedicated to my education. But at this point, I really believe I need to be here longer. As far as if I will come back to Michigan/Western after the year here, or stay in Pittsburgh for school, that is up in the air. This is what I want for me. Be happy for me. As I am happy for you. This is my journey. This is my chapter. I'm writing it with joy. These plans are 95% sure in place. Never doubt the 5%. Never. For now... I believe this is what is right for me. Most of you will hate this. But my hope from you...ALL of you...is that you are filled with joy for me. This is my journey. This is my life. And may I say....I am so crushed to not be able to live closer with my friends and family....but I just know this is.......I know this is for me.

I love you all.

6/28/10

Today I had the worst classes ever. I'm not sure why they show any respect to me. I'm not sure if it is something I am doing...or not doing. I just don't know anymore. I felt absolutely horrible today. 8th grade was bearable, but still pretty rude most of the time. 7th grade was worse with an attitude to do nothing at all, and then there was 6th grade. I'm sorry to say.....but it was a class straight from hell. No no no, i am NOT saying they were from hell....but it was a class from hell. Haha. Funny stuff aside, I was incredibly drained after those classes. I had to reflect on what the hell happened. Why was today so exhausting and why did today go horrible wrong? I never wanted to do what I had to do at the end of the 6th grade class. I told myself I won't do this, but I had to. I had a respect talk with them. Not just any respect talk. I had to tell them my true emotions of the frustration that I have suppressed as I struggle to talk over them again and again and again. I told them "I was never forced to come here. I chose to come here because I wanted to help kids. I am not getting paid a generous amount of money to stay here. I moved here to pittsburgh because I wanted to help you guys. From day 1 when you guys came in here, I have got nothing but disrespect and negative attitude from you all. I don't know your home situation and I'm not going to ask or assume anything about that. But when you come into my classroom, I am going to expect that you Respect yourself, others, and me. I don't care if you dont like others or if you dont like me or this class. I don't care. But keep that to yourself, because all I am asking from you right now is some simple respect from you guys. Ever since you guys came through that door, I have done nothing but give my absolute respect to you all!!! Why is that so hard to ask in return? Next week, I want to see a new attitude and level of respect. It shouldn't be that hard because you guys are starting at Zero respect. Have a good week."

I thought this day couldn't get worse. I was wrong. Very wrong :) Me, Amanda, and a VISTA AmeriCorps member all went out into the community to spread word about the Community Farmers Market this thursday. We were off to a great start. I really love how the community knows about the Pittsburgh Project and know what good work we do. They all smile when I tell them where I am from, and I can see they are no longer skeptical about who is at their front door, and they open their door all the way to hear what I have to share with them. It was a great feeling. I really enjoyed going out into the community and really interacting with them face-to-face. We moved along quite smoothly. Then....I got to this weird house. From the sidewalk, you had to walk down about 10 or more steps, then turn right, go through the gate and there is the front door. So I proceeded and knocked on the door like any other house I approached in the neighborhood. I quickly had a chilling feeling this place wasn't good. I'd say it started with a fierce bark from a dog inside. Discouraged by this threatening bark and growl, I start to head back towards the gate. Just then, I hear the door open and the noise level elevate. I quickly turn around and there is this middle aged, white, heavy set guy peaking out the door with this huge pitbull/rotweiler mix raging to escape the house. I very briskly explain i'm from the Pittsburgh Project and spreading the word on our Farmers Market. I apologize for the disruption and excuse myself to leave so quickly. Just as I take a step back, i see the owner struggle to hold the collar of the dog. People....the look in this dog's eyes was as if he hasn't seen meat in months. He was ready to be released from all hell. Of course, the raging monster gets out of the control of the owner and as I try to make my run for my life, before I know it, I have a mean, angry, vicious machine clawing, jumping and scratching me. This dog was on a mission. He was jumping all over me. I could not bring myself to run out of the gate and up the stairs. What seemed like an hour of fighting off the dog, whether it be kicking or pushing it off, the owner miraculously gets ahold of the dog. At this point I somehow make my way up the stairs where Amanda and John have arrived after sprinting of hearing the sounds of the dog and my cry for help. I was shaking uncontrollably, dazed in a shock. My face was described as an extremely pale grey,almost green complexion. After sitting down, and hearing apologies from the owner, I reach for my small first aid kit I carry around in my pocket. Because I am such an awesome AmeriCorps, I always thought I should be prepared if anything happens........like if I get attacked by a rotweiler. So I start to clean my injury with antiseptic wipes and whatnot. We make our way back to the Project where we just catch the nurse as she was leaving in her car. She graciously took me back into the building to clean me up more and send me off to the hospital to get a tetanus shot. Let me tell you a few things about this hospital. For one, they had some pretty nice and funny people working there. Two, the doctor decided he would humor us and scrub the life out of my wound. And I mean he scrubbed that. I think the scrubbing might have hurt worse....no wait.....it did hurt worse than the actual attack. But whatever, I'll trust the guy with a Ph.D. A tetanus shot and some discharge papers later, I was off and running like new.

Needless to say, I have some words and medical bills for that dog owner. Learn how to control your raging monster. Best part of it all...he told me "I'm sorry....hes never acted like this before." Really?! Because I find it just a little hard to believe when all I did was knock on your door and your animal acts like I'm a prized feast. Mr. dog-owner, you are damn lucky I was not a small child. Animal control is on their way to your door and something will be done about your beast or your ownership. It was just uncalled for and it is just plain common sense to restrain your animal, especially if it is uncontrollable like that. If your dog is not up on his shots, you (and your wallet) are going to be sorry.

6/27/10

Sorry I have not kept up with this in 4 days...I have been too busy getting lost in Pittsburgh...
The adventures started on thursday. It was the staff's day off and some of us decided to go out to eat for dinner. Not sure why but the whole day thursday I was incredibly irritated about everything and sad to say...many people. Nevertheless, I decided to go with a group of people to a pub nearby. After taking "detours" here and there, we finally arrived at what we thought was "Penn Dark"??? It sounded like the name of a shady nightclub where your drinks are spiked with LSD....or roofies. Walking around, we discovered a pretty legit block party. After coming closer to the party, it was noticed that it looked like a reception of some sort? Though Ryan wanted to go forward and invite ourselves to the party, we went back to the restaurant. The lighting was horrible, the atmosphere was definitely pub-like and.........they didn't do separate checks!!! This was only the beginning of the dinner fiasco. It already felt awkward being there and best of all, there was a limited menu. So we (me, lacey and ryan) sat down (awkwardly) and looked at the menu. I cannot even begin to explain the awkwardness. I think the problem was that none of us wanted to be put on the same check and we didn't really like the menu...at all. After everyone ordered, the 3 of us and Jaz said we would not get anything. Again...the awkwardness level skyrockets. It doesn't stop there. To make matters even better...there was utter silence. I get a text saying "should we wait until the moment passes?" During this awkwardness I could not stop myself from laughing. I'm sure this didnt make things better. But....how could this moment get any worse? haha. It can only get worse, I thought. Finally..... Jaz took the lead! As awkward as you can imagine, she got up and said she was going to go somewhere else... slowly and extremely uncomfortably, the 3 of us stood up and walked out. I'm not sure I ever felt like that.
So...there we were, the 4 of us outside the restaurant. The question now is....where do we go? I quickly found out we have 4 very indecisive people here. After what seemed forever we tried to go to the Allegheny Sub Shop which of course closed at 2pm. While trying to open the door, this old man from down the street yelled to us and kept telling us to go to these other restaurants so we could pay for his meal (he especially wanted the shrimp fried rice). Ryan was kind enough to give him $4 that he had earned, but that did not satisfy this old man. So then we spent prolly like a half hour walking down that street trying to decide on a place to eat. Of course, none of us could make a decision. So finally we got back in the car and drove to Oakland. On the way there we almost hit a sign and died, but thankfully it was only a close call. We first went to the O but after standing there for awhile finally realized they didn't take card. So once again we turned around and kept walking. Then amazingly we decided on Joe Mama.
Jake here. I wasn't even there. I went to the casino. There was this promotion going on where you could gamble with free money. It was nuts. If it was really my money I would have lost 40 bucks, but in the end we got to keep 90. For free. They have this machine where you play tic tac toe with a real live chicken. He's in there pecking around some box and then beating you at tic tac toe. I think it's rigged. Has any one ever seen the movie "War Games"? Seriously you can't win that game. Just like you can't win thermo nuclear war. We then took our winnings and went to cheese cake factory and ordered shrimp, because during the summer of 2010 the oil spill in the gulf will eradicate the United States of all shrimp, and we had to get some before they were all oily and disgusting.
AMEN Jake.
After being seated, the four of us actually decided on 2 pizzas. I was impressed. Truly. It was pretty legit. Not lying.
Friday. On Friday they serve Pizza at a Park but me, Lacey, and Laura decided to stay on site and have a couple (or more..) slices and then wanted to go to Target. I wrote some directions down (more on that later) and off we go. After driving down what seemed like Mt. Everest, we get to the end of my directions. Of course....It ends where we have to go left or right. We pull off to a parking lot to try and decide this mess. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself.....You know what... I probably didn't scroll down enough to get all of the directions. haha....oops. I didn't tell them though :). So there we are sitting in this lot. I'm trying to call 411 for directions and Lacey is trying to work her GPS that isn't pulling up anything, anywhere and is probably only good in Canada or something. Then comes a man in a truck that pulls up in front of us and parks right on the street (illegally). He seems a little scary, especially when he parks and looks at us... as in that "i'm probably going to kill you" look. He gets out, and rummages through his back seat FOREVER, looking under about 4 blankets in the back. He finds what he's looking for and makes his way up to our car. All 3 of us are staring at this man when right from a horror movie, Laura from the back seat screams at the top of her lungs "omg omg omg omg its GUN!!!!"
.....
....
It was a cell phone.
So, after almost getting shot by a cell phone, I get some directions from Target. So there we are again, off on the road! Of course, on account of my lack of directions, we get lost. Or what seemed like it. At this point, we are sure we far from Target and at this point, I'm starting to think this trip is far too adventurous for going to Target. Anyway, we stop at a gas station where we get some legit directions. Again, we're on the road. FINALLY, we get to the right road and we see everything--Bed Bath and Beyond, Walgreens, McDonalds, Rite Aid. So we keep going...and going... and going. Now, we are starting to think we passed it. Of course. So, taking what resources I had, I wrote on a piece of paper "TARGET?" and showed it through our window. Luckily, this guy at the stop light simply pointed in the direction we were traveling. Then he rolled his window down and explained its the next light on the right behind Kohls. THEN, he rolled down his window to tell us he will let us in front. So FINALLY, after making a trip to who knows where, we reach Target. I feel like we just made a pilgrimage to Mecca.
Somehow, after Target ,we managed to make our way to the opposite direction of where we needed to. This is amazing. After about 20 minutes of driving in the wrong direction, we stopped for directions, again, only to find out we were, Indeed, way out of our way home. So, we made our way back to the general area, and we stopped for some dessert at McD's. Oddly, we found a game on McD's tables. A spin-the-straw game, if you will. Admittedly, it was fun! To end the night, we safely made our way back home, and get this...without getting lost! It was truly a miracle.
Saturday. Me, Lacey, Ryan, and Laura and Seth decided to hit up Pittsburgh Strip District. It was pretty cool. There were many cool shops and stands around the area. Here lies 4 indecisive people with the tour guide, Seth. This afternoons challenge: Find a place to eat lunch (dun dun dun...). So, we tried Pamalas. They don't accept cards. This seems to happen way too much in Pittsburgh. So from a Miracle from God, we decide to eat at Peppi's. It was pretty good. After that, we decide to go to the South Side District. This area featured more small shops here and there. We spent some good time at Dave's Music Mine looking and reminiscing about 90's classics and taking pictures with a Beyonce cutout. Don't be jealous. We walked down the street to find more cool shops. One was called the Beehive. Supposedly, its a Pittsburgh favorite for a coffee house. And it was a pretty legit atmosphere. Very cool place to just hang out and play Jenga. Yes, Jenga...with penises and phone numbers on the game pieces. After a few games of that, we headed back to the guest house. From there, we wanted to go see Where the Wild Things Are at a park in Mt. Washington. So we follow Seth and his girlfriend Brittany who claim they have directions to the Park. I'm beginning to think "directions" and "pittsburgh" are really not possible. To my amazement, we get to the wrong park, then they assure us they know the way. So we drive....and then we get out of Mt. Washington. Still, nothing is said. We drive more... and more...and keep following Seth. Still......nothing is said (about getting completely lost). After what I'm sure was 40 minutes of driving away from Mt. Washington, we get a phone call saying we are lost. Ok. I'm not sure how much of getting lost I can take. haha. Sure its fun every now and then...but it has to stop somewhere!!! After losing Seth, we turn around and negate the idea of seeing the movie. Instead, we follow through with going to the Hookah bar! I'm getting excited now. It felt like we were in the car for the entire day---oh wait, we practically were. Ha. Anyway, we managed to get our way to the Hookah Bar and...it was nothing I expected it to be. In a good way. The Hookah Bar is in an old church building and when you walk in, its a large open floor with low tables and simple "chairs" or pillow-like chairs to sit on throughout. The lighting was absolutely horrible for the menus you are given, but we decide to get a large hookah with honey melon. I'm not sure if I just didn't care or couldn't see the menu in the dark, but I (and Lacey, Ryan, and Laura) ordered a shake at $5 each. I think we all agreed, though, it was well worth it....yeah....all $5.00......for a shake. We were moved to a corner which was pretty awesome. The place was so incredibly relaxing and chill. I feel like I could go there everyday just to chill out. The actual Hookah experience was pretty cool too.
I'm going to cut this short now, (1) because this is already a novelette and (2) it is 12:00am and I have to be at my weekly meeting downtown at 8am. So, to say the least, the weekend was filled with adventures and...getting lost. A lot. It was a great weekend with great friends. I'm excited to see what other adventures God will take us on this summer :)
Night.

6/23/10

I feel so blessed to be here. I really do.

Today was a rough start, haha. There was so much drama with the elementary students!!! I found it humorous as the children were throwing threats (and dirt) at each other and I was sitting there looking at them. Dazed. Thinking. Thinking... I should probably do something about this and potentially stop it..and...I don't really care how bad these classes go, I am just so incredibly happy I am here with all of these amazing people. I don't know if I have ever been so many welcoming and accepting people :)

Besides the lucrative and sometimes disrespectful behavior of most of the students today, I believe the best part of the day was after classes. It started out picking blueberries for the Farmers Market tomorrow. It was nice to have some good friends come down on their free time and help out! Then it was time for dinner and this I know......was going to be good. Today was Homeowners Night. Every week we have a different service camp that comes in to fix homeowners houses in the community. So every week different homeowners are invited to The Project with their campers for dinner and CLUB afterwards. Dinner was good!!! Delicious mashed potatoes, turkey with gravy, beans, salad, rice pilaf! Then of course, there was CLUB where we sang some amazing worship songs and had a good time!

After CLUB, my friend Becca had asked if I wanted to go to the Elks Lodge with her. Hesitant at first, I said yes, in hopes it would be a great first experience! Nevertheless, we got there and went it. It was nothing more than what you would expect to see at Banjo Night at the local Elks Lodge. Old men, some of their wives and/or children/grandchildren, their coffee buddies, and what else.... a dozen or so old men on stage playing their hearts out on the banjos. We decided to take a seat by the bar when a gentlemen asks us for our IDs. After some explanation, it came to our knowledge that you must be at least 21 to be in the whole Elks Lodge building. Soo... after being kicked out of the Elks Lodge (and crossing that off my bucket list) we decided to check out some neighborhoods around the area. Finally, we decided to go to the Best Dessert in Pittsburgh. The place is called Gullifty's. They have notably the best desserts around! And... we were able to testify and verify the truth about this dessert phenom. We were also curious enough to see just how amazingly delicious the Hoummus and Baba Ghannoj--it was so good!

I'm going to leave you with a great song I loved today. Hope you enjoy!

Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

and blessed be Your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blesssing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
an when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

and blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's "all as it should be"
blessed be your name

and blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name

every blesssing you pour out i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your glorious name

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart wil chose to say:
blessed be your name (blessed be your name lord)

6/22/10

I'm so happy. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be part of AmeriCorps. I'm grateful for the fate that led me to come here to the Pittsburgh Project. I can't imagine how I would survive any of this without the grace of my friends here in Pittsburgh and back home in Michigan. I keep thinking about how sad I am going to be when I move back home after the summer. But...as I am constantly trying, I am looking at the positives of this whole experience. Yes, I am going to be extremely sad after this summer, but I am going to walk away with such great friendships that I will be able to carry on (hopefully) after this summer extravaganza. Even more, I will walk out of Pittsburgh a much stronger person not only because of the challenges I have had to face while here, but because my peers have helped me achieve this uplifting point in my life.

Some people have been asking me "has your faith changed since you've been there?" The bona fide truth is.... I'm not sure. It's a good "not sure" though. I think I am definitely at a great point in my faith. Before coming here, I'm not sure I even believed in anything. But, by the grace of God, I certainly am believing something....

I have been through hell in the past couple of weeks. No doubt. I have been thrown on the most extreme emotional roller coaster you can possibly imagine. I have been picked up to the highest....and dropped down as fast as an anchor. Yet....I still find a way to relieve myself and pick myself up from the ground. But not alone. Definitely not. There is no question that without the emotional and physical help from my parents, friends here, and friends home that I couldn't do this without them. So to all of you who know you are........Thank you. Genuinely, Thank you. You may not know how significant you were in my time of despair and need, but you should know that all of you have helped me become who I am right now. And that person is a better, stronger, more stable person who now has his priorities clear and in order. No longer will I dwell on being played like a marionette. Nope. I've cut the strings, and am free to do what I have come here to do. I am free to make my own decisions and responsible enough to know what is good for me, right now and in the long run.

I love you all!

6/21/10

The Children's smiles glow ear to ear like the blazing sun. They are attentive and eager to hear what we have to say. I can see in their eyes that they are passionate to do anything and are willing to do as we instruct. As I continue with my lesson, a soft breeze flows through our unique classroom outside and the kids raise their hands with prompting questions that-------wait. you really don't think this is how my first day went, do you? Ha....if only my friends. I just had to share my dream with you ;)

Now...let's hear it for our friend, Reality. The start of the day was.... rude. Arrived in the 'burgh quietly at 1am. The moon was still shining quite bright and the temperature was amazingly welcoming. A good few hours of sleep and I'm up at 6:30 to travel to beautiful downtown Pittsburgh for the weekly monday meeting. I'm not going to say it was a bit of a waste of time for an hour......no, i change my mind, it was in my opinion. Nevertheless, I made my way back to the neighborhood in which I call home. My neighborhood here is nestled with porch drug dealers, aimlessly walking children, loud voices, and plenty of vacant homes in which will, if haven't already, turn into crack houses or whore houses, and as bad as it sounds, we cannot blind ourselves from the truth. As we walk into the landscaped classroom, we catch the 2nd class of Amanda's day. They are 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders that....well....to say the least, inattentive. Can you blame them? This was unsurprisingly a recurring theme throughout the elementary youth. The time allotment was ridiculous. Scheduled, we had 45 minutes with each class. Sadly, we had much less. It must be a combination of other teachers just getting the hang of time management and youngsters taking their sweet time walking over. The class time allowed only for a name awareness activity and a brisk tour of the garden classroom. This tour was often sidetracked by children picking handfuls (not to mention mouthfuls) of blueberries, enough to make Violet Beauregarde jealous (if you don't get it, google her. I refuse to explain my jokes).

Then there came my middle school classes. Interestingly, they were quite amazing. All three classes were sometimes challenging to sustain attention, but once I had it in my hands, they were all mine and we had some wonderful discussions. I was very pleased with my classes. The only issue that probably frustrated me the most is timing, once again. One class was 30 minutes late (mind you, for a 45 minute class). To have to crush a 45 minute curriculum into 10-15 minutes is... exasperating. Again, Lord-willing, the teachers will be more on time next week. We can only wait and see.It's so nice to sit down at the end of the day and just............relax. To reflect on the day. What went well? What could have gone better?

This week we have 270 service campers that stay in our guest building. When they are released into our commons area.....it is nothing but a zoo. Tonight we had karaoke and ice cream. All I will say is, I could do without the Karaoke. Just like when the classes go away, it is peaceful and bliss when the service campers go to bedtime. That is...until the staff here break out how to have a damn good time ;) They can play a mean game of four square down here. Just being with these people and hanging out with the staff is great. I am so glad I decided to come here. I couldn't regret anything about this place. I enjoy having them as friends, roommates, colleagues, and also for some of them, mentors. I feel blessed to have been placed here and to have met so many great people. I'm really going to miss them after this summer. I know it, and its only been a couple weeks. Until then, good night.

6/18/10

Yesterday was great. I am so glad I decided to come home for the weekend!!!

I went down to Kalamazoo to see the ol' crew at work. It was so nice to see everyone! I'm excited to come back after the summer (as much as I am deeply in love with pittsburgh). Me and my friend Paula went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Who knew the olive garden was is the best place to stuff your face and catch up with old friends. Hmm. Nevertheless, we went to the mall where I discovered some stellar sunglasses, and with the impel of a great salesman, I got two.

Catching up with some good friends just chilling out and talking was a great night for me. It was even better to catch up with a friend I haven't talked to in a ....long time. It was a good time. I'm not sure why we didn't talk more often earlier on!

Today is going to be a nice relaxing day. I should work on the lesson plans I was supposed to have done thursday. Hoping tonight follows through, and if it does...I'm going to be very happy I came here this weekend (even more happy).

:)

Now...despite all this happiness I have the joy of experiencing, there is always something that tries to bring me down. And the fact is....at this point I am done dealing with it. In the past, I would try to reconcile and hide our shadows from the past. Not anymore. I can't keep dragging me feet in order to mend some things that will just go downhill in a few days. I really hate to say it, but I just really do not care for this type of behavior anymore. I have no sympathy. If things change (which would me miraculous) down the road, we can talk. But I need to have people in my life who are mature and who can work things out without freaking out. That said, I'm going to have an amazing day today. :)

6/17/10

Well, I'm home. The bus ride was insane. I barely got any sleep. It just was not comfortable. Looking out the of the oversized landscape windows on the bus, I had some time to reflect. Finally, after 11 hours, we arrived in Kalamazoo.

Me and my brother (who picked me up) went to Olde Peninsula and had some really scrumptious food.

There is no other feeling than that "home sweet home" feeling....especially after 4+ weeks. The smell, the small little things that make it home, the feeling when you walk in....it was comforting.

Just as I was about to take a much needed nap, I went to catch up with a good friend over coffee in Saugatuck. We walked the streets and then went to go have dinner. It was delicious! I love the town of Saugatuck.

I really hope I enjoy my stay here at home. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of it, or at least I'm going to try. I need to make this time away for me. When I go back, the craziness will start. My head will be turning like an F5 tornado, I'm sure. We will see what the town has in store of me tomorrow.

Night all

6/15/10

The sun is peaking. All you can hear is some cars in the distance, maybe some children's voices lingering. The temperature is perfect and you have that morning crisp. I can tell it has just rained, but it is not humid at all. I look around and feel this sense of .... comfort that nature is presenting a gift, if you will.

Walking to breakfast, I thought to myself, there is no way you can let this day go wrong. You can't. And if you do, well, thats your own fault. This weather is beautiful. You can't ask for better. This is true. To my dismay, I walk into the cold cafeteria with chairs still up on the tables and some 4 or 5 people sitting at various tables, to find it is a cold breakfast with cereal. I did manage to find some bagels with strawberry cream cheese. This day is going to be good.

Today I was scheduled to work on my lesson plans from 10am-dinner (6pm). Those 8 hours..... I nothing done. I can say that I finished a lesson plan, but that isn't really the case. My lesson plan I was supposed to start on...I have one sentence...and I'm not sure the title counts.

You ever think you are getting over something and then you hear a song.....you know. That song that you start to sing along to, and then realize how ...real it is right now. You never really realize how personal that song could be to anyone, let alone you. You start to carefully listen to the lyrics and ah-ha.... this is your life story. You stop everything and start this daze into nothing at all, but instead....you take in the song. You take in the meaning. Needless to say... this happened over....and over....and over...... and over again. Before i knew it, i had skipped out on lunch in the cafeteria. Soon after....it was dinner time.

At night we had this thing called CLUB. It is a night activity in the sanctuary here on campus. We have skits, and a game (basically minute to win it type), worship songs, and message. Today's band was called The Sparks. they were pretty amazing. Some things that were said in today's worship and songs from the Sparks really hit home...... It was overwhelming. I was sitting on the floor against the wall listening to this woman talk about feeling alone....betrayed....sad...confused....angry......frustrated. And alas... there was that ah-ha moment. this is my life story. It was a very transfixing feeling. I felt a sharp knife in my chest....but a gentle touch on my shoulder.

Believe it or not...I think I may be beginning a connection with Him.

6/14/10

I'm sorry i haven't wrote in 4 days, but upon popular demand, I'm going to try and start to keep on track with this more. The last couple days have been rough.... but I just need to take time and learn from these lesson of life... If you don't mind, I'm going to take some time to do some reflection on these obstacles that we just can't hide from in life.

I've done so much thinking while here in Pittsburgh. Am I happy here? I'm not sure I can give a safe answer. Sure, I love what I am doing for the kids and such. There have been some events that have happened while I am here that...... well..... I'm not sure how to explain them without going into detail. When I came here to Pittsburgh, I decided to start a new chapter in my life. I am so proud of myself for doing this. It was the hardest move I have had to make in my life, not only physically but in terms of moving on to bigger things. With this chapter, I tried so desperately to hold onto some pages I did not want to let go of. I held these pages close and dear to my heart. Of course, these pages are only symbolic and not literal, yet they support a good analogy. Anyway, there are times when i would lay on the grass out here. I would lay down and look at the stars in the sky. In the past, this was a great past time. For now...it was a way of reaching out. I never really talked to anyone about this....and I'm not sure why I am choosing to share this with basically anyone...but I feel this is my blog....this is my raw emotions.... and I'm going to let them free. As I was saying..I would lay down in the grass, gazing into the stars. Do you know why? The reason is probably not what you think. Because not only was I just gazing into the night sky. No...I was holding these pages close to my heart, while trying not to use them as tissue, for the tears in my eyes, in which would carefully run down my cheeks. Why was I crying. The stars are beautiful. It should not be a surprise that my faith is little to none right now. In which case, I look to the sky for answers.... I look there because I know someone is up there that loves me, and the one person who understood me unconditionally .... is no longer here to wipe my tears... so I just hope......I just....I just hope to God that that person is up there looking down on me. And at these times when I feel so lost and so disconnected from God, I turn to that person who always understood me. It makes me so... emotionally vulnerable to realize that person is not here with me anywhere. Sometimes when I look into the sky so much, I will roll my head over to the side.... only to break my own heart because I don't see that person laying beside me. Though this person is dead and cannot possibly physically be here for me.... I sometimes make myself believe I am looking at them through the night stars...

As far as these pages I tried so hard to keep.... I had to find that I had to let these pages go. It was just about the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I've had to do some heartbreaking things in my life...but this one tops most. Sometimes the best thing is often the hardest thing to accomplish. For now, I have tucked these pages away until I am ready to look at them again. Down the road, I would like to take them back out and see what I can reconcile of them. Hopefully, I will be able to iron out the wrinkles enough to read them again.

Until then, I hope these nights of laying down on the crisp, moist grass, looking deeply beyond the stars in the black night sky, I will find some answer and comfort....

6/10/10

Ahh, A Great Day!!!

Today was our first Farmer's Market! We started out in the morning going out to the field and harvesting the crops! It was pretty exciting. Time just flew by in the morning harvesting, cleaning and rinsing all the crops, then setting up the Farmers Market for 2:00. It was a successful day, I would say.

So, I've been told by a couple of people here that I have........a Michigan Accent. Is there such a thing???? Apparently I stress/say my vowels funny, especially "o"s? Hmm, I have not really noticed, but I think every time you go to a different part of the country, you think the other people have accents. Some Pittsburgers definitely have a slight accent.

Tonight, I went to the Arts Festival at "the Pointe" again. Tonight's concert was Ingrid Michaelson. She was so amazing. Definitely one of my favorite concerts I've been to in my life. Best part---all free. She was so funny and fun, and the entire (huge) audience was just amazing and full of love for her. I recorded some songs/videos and will put them on facebook.

All in all, what a great day.

tonight, i leave you with one of my favorite songs she played tonight:

I don’t wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don’t wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

‘Cause maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
Gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe, you’re gonna come back,
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

I don’t wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know, I’ve got, to let them go

‘Cause maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
Gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe, you’re gonna come back,
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And, I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And i’m gonna wash away (I’m gonna wash away)
Oh I’m gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
In the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe in the future (You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around

Maybe in the future (You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh the only way to really know
Is to really let it go
Maybe
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me
Mmm you’re gonna come back to me
You’re gonna come back to me

6/9/10

Wow.. Drama Drama Drama.

Am I still in Michigan??? haha. Needless to say, there seemed to be a lot of drama today.

The day started out pretty good though. Because it was raining all day today, we started in the basement of the pool house, in which we will call "the dungeon". If you ever see it---you will know why.

After planting, potting and transferring, we had a wonderful lunch and then.....the daily "Community Life Meeting" in the Sanctuary. After some other stuff happened, I went in and we were having a panel discussion on Pittsburgh and the needs of this community. The discussion quickly got heated when an individual stood up and started commenting about how the heart of this Pittsburgh Project is in the right place....but it's not doing anything to the people who really need help. He said that we are not doing anything that will effectively help those people out in the community who are not here. He goes on to say that everyone here is not going to carry away with anything from this after the summer and that we are not going to go out in the community and do stuff. I disagree with him. I think that a lot of people here are here because they want to make a difference. Sure, we can't pull everyone in here that needs help, but we are bringing in the children that this institution is built on. There are numerous resources around here that can help them.

After the Community Life Meeting, We started to talk about our Lesson Plans. It seems a little intimidating..... To create 6 different lesson plans for the 6 subjects for 6th, 7th, and 8th graders is hard. I don't really know how to start! This will certainly be interesting.

Tonight me and Amanda (and some others) attended a public viewing of "Food, Inc." and then there was a panel discussion afterwards. And yet again....there was an individual who had to make it a bit more entertaining. Not exactly sure what he was talking about, but something about how the city said he couldnt do something with his backyard garden but yet these organizations can destroy a field and build some gardens. I don't know...he got really flustered and the panel had to cut him off....as he was still arguing.

Tomorrow is our first Farmer's Market day. There is set up and training from 10-2 and then the actual market is open 2-6, and an hour of clean up 6-7.

For Tonight, I'd like to leave you all with some wise words from Lady GaGa.

"Boy, we've had a real good time

And I wish you the best on your way, eh, eh
I didn't mean to hurt you
I never thought we'd fall out of place, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

Not that I don't care about you
Just that things got so compliqué, eh, eh
I met somebody cute and funny
Got each other and that's funny, eh, eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, I wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh

I have something that I love long, long
But my friends keepa' tellin' me that something's wrong
Then I met someone
And eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say

Eh, eh, wish he never looked at me that way
Eh, eh, there's nothing else I can say
Eh, eh, cherry, cherry, boom, boom

Eh, eh
Oh, yeah
All I can say is, eh"

6/8/10

Day 2!

Woke up bright and early to have breakfast at 8, then played some billards with good ol' Amanda. Come 10:00, we were up and ready to do some dirty, dirty work. And that we did.

today's setting was at this abandoned baseball field that the city was going to get rid of, but instead the Project decided to take care of it. They have renovated it into a lush(ish) garden of various greens and flowers. We plant garlic, beets, chard, beans, peppers, okra, sunflowers, melons, and some others I can't think of at the moment. Today there was a lot of cultivating and re-soiling with compost. The problem with this infield is that when they build a baseball field, they build it with a ton of clay under the ground...something to do with the ball's bounce? I don't remember. BUT, the clay does nothing at all for our crops, so we build this interesting, yet complicated trench. Basicaly, we build a deep trench, fill it with some water and branches and stuff like that, then fill it to make a mound of dirt. Then we build holes for the seeds/plants and fill that hole with fresh compost. Over time, the plants will deal with the clay. It is much more environmentally friendly than bringing in huge machinery to dig up the field.

So we did that for the majority of the day, and I really enjoyed it.

We have these community volunteers that come down and help out with gardening the field. There was this one guy in particular that caught my attention.... He had asked "did you see the alligator?" Trying to see if we heard him correctly, we looked at each other awkwardly and he then explained that there was an alligator loose in the area. Not from the Zoo. Someone's pet? I'm not sure if the heat was getting to him, but it sure was an odd story. And...thats all he talked about for the remainder of the time. We saw a deer and his comment was "....must be running after the alligator". It certainly brought some entertainment to the field.

Tomorrow will be a nice change of day and only 9-5 (compared to 1o-7).

Until then, I'm out!

P.S. I miss seeing all my AmeriCorps people every day!

6/6-6/7/10

So, i don't want to talk about yesterday. Haha.

FIRST DAY OF SERVICE AT PITTSBURGH PROJECT!
I'll be quite frank...I thought I was going to hate this place. And.......I don't. Started off today with our weekly morning meetings downtown...at 8am. What a way to start off the week! I had numerous cups of coffee, which I can safely say is a new routine for me. One that will surely be proactive. Then, we were off! Of course, Amanda (my co-service member) couldn't find her car in one of the 4 car garages in the 1 block. Though, we ended up finding it in time (I didn't say good time). No, it didn't stop there. No...it just wouldn't be an entertaining blog if it did ;)

So, we got lost trying to find the North Side. And Amanda needed to get some gas, so we stopped at this BP in a pretty ......shady area. Thus, Amanda got gas, as I proposed to ask for directions. So I continued to find someone who kindly told me to (exactly..) "oh..uh.... go there....turn around...follow that uh...highway.....then you wanna look for uh...that uh, west bridge over there...and...then...you'll be in the North Side." I can't imagine why this guy works at a BP gas station....

So, following the meticulous directions I was given, I proceeded outside to where I crossed this other worker...and...well....heres how it went:

Worker: "You all set, son?"

Me: "uh...well, ...just tryin to get to the North Side"

Worker: "The North Side?!?! Why the hell you going over there?"

Me: *points to t-shirt that says Pittsburgh Project* "I'm serving over there"

Worker: "ohh... well...what the hell you doing over here?!"

Me: "Well, evidently.....we're lost"

Worker: "Alright...well you really shouldn't be stopping around here, especially with that lady friend *points to Amanda sitting in the car*... Now, you go around this road, and you'll want to take McKees Rock bridge, that will follow you right into the North Side"

Me: "ok, great thanks a lot"

Worker: "Hey...you want my number incase you get lost?"

Me: "Sure........."

Worker: "Alright ***-***-****...and my name is ..Joe today. Now don't you come back here, you hear? ESPECIALLY with your lady friend!"

haha...it was epic. We finally arrived to the Project, an hour later. Orientation went GREAT, I am sooooooooooo pumped for this summer. I can't wait to get started. I will create 6 different curriculum plans for 6th-8th graders that are incorporated with the Urban farming. Lunch was provided by the Nuns who are neighbors to the church. Don't hate--it was delicious :) For the rest of the day, we got the garden ready to plant by pulling all the weeds out and such, and then had a Farmers Market training meeting with community volunteers who will help us when we put up the local Farmers Market.

All in all, I'm glad i gave this a shot! I feel I am REALLY going to like this summer. it's a great program. And though it may be incorporating some religious aspects in here and there throughout the schedule, I really don't mind. Today when me and Amanda went to the community meeting, we did a mini Worship time where we sang like 5 songs. And they were pretty cool pop-sounding songs.

This summer will be great. I'm not letting anything stopping me. My attitude towards this has turned around, and I'm so glad!

Tomorrow is a long day 10-7! Gotta go get some sleep!

6/4-6/5/10

Where do I start....
Yesterday I woke up at 6am natrually. I only got about 2-3 hours of sleep that night. I got pretty lost when the bus dropped me off downtown in the Cultural district. That day I decided to come back to my staff member's guest room for the weekend. Theres just so much on my mind...I can't stand to be alone for a whole weekend.
So here I am. On Saturday. And honestly...there is a lot more on my mind than just living at the Project. I feel awful. Just miserable. I can safely say I haven't felt like this in an extremely long time. I just feel like quitting everything. EVERYTHING. I'm done. I don't want to live this life anymore. I have great friends, but there are some things that are just making me hate every aspect of my life right now, no matter how good things can be at the moment. It sounds wrong, but I can't change how I feel about somethings.
Sometimes I catch myself crying out of nowhere...for no reason.
I try to talk about this to some people, including my own mother. No one seems to understand or are able to help. I'm not happy right now. I'm trying to forget some things, to make me happy. It Just Doesn't Work. I'll give this a week or more and see if anything miraculous may happen. If not.....I'm not sure what to do. I would hate to quit this program, because I know some people would Kill to be part of this. If, hypothetically, my program ended this weekend, I would not go back home. I would not stay here in Pittsburgh. I don't know where exactly I would go...or what exactly I would do. I have friends here, but I can't explain how wretched I feel.
I have nothing else to say...

6/3/10

Today we went to the Ropes Course! It was a really great experience, I enjoyed every minute! We did a ton of team-building exercises. Then at the end, was finally the High Ropes. There was a net climbing activity, a wall climbing activity, Zip Line, vertical playground, tandem climbing activity and then a huge telephone pole you climb up, stand on the very top of it, and jump all you can in the air to touch a suspending ball. I did the tandem climbing one. Very very challenging.

After the Ropes Course, It was time for me to move into the Pittsburgh Project (or the "project" as I will refer to it as). Of course I was nervous and anxious on the way here. How couldn't I be. I had dinner, which was ok. Moved into my room. This is so much like a college dorm. Girls on one floor, boys on another. Dorm-style rooms. 3 bunk beds in one room (but only 4 of us occupy the room), and we get our own bathroom in the room. For the whole night, I've been in the commons area. There is a big screen TV, 3 church pews for sitting, along with 10 picnic tables, 3 pool tables, 4 foosball tables, 2 ping pong tables, and 2 air hockey tables. There is also a kitchen for our use. There is free laundry. I'll be honest. I hate it here right now. For now. I really have attempted to make friends. I try talking with people. I feel like they give me small talk and then have some excuse for running off. There are some people i smile at when we make eye contact, in hopes of starting a conversation, but they give me that fake half-ass smile back and keep walking. What do I have to do, other than give it more time. I'm not sure, but I know I'm not comfortable here. At all. Tomorrow I'm on my own in the morning figuring out where the hell to go to catch a bus into downtown. At this point, I really could care less if I will be late tomorrow morning. It sucks to have apathy at this point, but living this sanctum of a place. We'll see how this goes.

6/2/10

Today started out very interesting.
As I was getting off the bus in downtown, I hear the bus driver quietly say "smile..........have a good day, smile.....smile....bye, smile.." As I get to the door of the bus he says "Come on everybody!!!! GET THOSE SMILES ON YOUR FACE!!!" Thinking that was the best start to my morning, no more than a few steps to the curb, I look adjacently across the street to see a guy holding a huge 4 foot diameter donut (white frosting with sprinkles, to be specific).

I haven't drank coffee in......a very very long time. I hate coffee. I refuse to drink it. Today....was an exception. I can't seem to think anyone really mentally made it through the 3-hour "presentation" on Suicide and (oddly enough,) Active Listening. Not to be super critical, but it was just a dry presentation. When he announced the 10 minute break, it resembled 1st graders dismissal for recess. 3 cups of coffee with 5 packs of sugar and 5 packs of cream in each did the trick ...temporarily.

After getting home from a very long day at training, I started to pack my belongings to get ready for the move to the North Side. When I called Ginny, she said that she has been there since 6am and by the time I get there, it would be cutting it late. Therefore, she wants me to move in tomorrow. This could be a good thing--I guess I don't feel as "rushed" as I thought I felt yesterday. I keep telling myself, everything will be ok, everything will work out. Whether or not this will be evident to be true or not....well, that we will just have to wait and see. Like I said before, I do feel a little better now that I know the other AmeriCorps member that will be at my site feels kind of the same way as me. Also, from what I understand she is going to move onto the site as well. It will be really nice to know there is someone I know that feels the same as me and that I can go to talk to in person, a couple halls down, if I need to.

Tomorrow is the Ropes Course. I hope the weather holds out. At this rate, we might just be kayaking through the town, if this rain keeps up. haha. Wish me well for the actual move in tomorrow... Good night

6/1/10

Today, I got a call from The Pittsburgh Project. . . They want me to move in tomorrow. I didn't plan on moving in until the end of this week. They wanted me to go to this welcome dinner at 6pm this night. I decided to go to at least the dinner to check the place out. It's very interesting.

Today has been a little emotional for me. I feel like I have just been thrown into this all of a sudden. The weird thing is, they want to start training and everything and want me to move in, but I still have training with AmeriCorps until the end of this week. And...I won't see my kids until June 24! Anyway...I just feel like I'm being shipped off in a moments notice, and it's just not comfortable. It doesn't stop there.

So i arrived for the dinner, but they were running late and they were still in Worship time. As i waited and watched as they finished...I couldn't help but feel anxious. I don't know if anxious is the right word... I just didn't feel... "there". The prayer and sermon was very intensely religious. Had I known this is what it was like before...I don't know if i would have chosen it.... Everything here is centered around christianity. Nothing is wrong with that at all, I just wasn't expecting it to be this much.
As I walked outside to the cafeteria for dinner with Ginny (the lady who will be showing me around and getting me ready), we talked about the religiosity of the place. I can tell she knew kind of what I was thinking. I didn't know how to carefully bring this topic up without her thinking "why the heck are you here then?" She very subtly told me that they do prayer every morning and after the day and before every single meeting throughout the day and have Worship at the end of the day. I didn't say much, and i think she was catching on. I stopped our walking, just outside the cafeteria and paused for a minute to figure out in my head how to say this politely..... "Ginny...I don't think I have a problem with this place being faith-based. I was born and raised Catholic. I just.......I don't think.........." and I started to become a little emotional because I didn't know what to say....partly because I didn't want to sound rude and partly because.....I have no idea where my faith stands..if I have any. and she said "Jeremy...don't worry about it. We have this mindset that everyone who comes to work with us share our faith, but we have to understand that not everybody does, and thats ok. You don't have to participate in any of the faith activities"
You would think that would make me feel better....but it doesn't. How do I explain to my peers i will work with and children that I'm not at any of the faith activities? How do I explain to all the peers I see at breakfast that I am never at the morning prayer? I would like to just say "You know guys....I just don't share that faith" and think they would be ok with that. But I know they are not and will not. Do i just go along with it and see what I think of it all?

After a semi-quiet dinner on my part (mostly because of thinking and trying to take this all in), I was brought home by Ginny. I've done some thinking since the visit. Tomorrow seems so rushed and fast-paced to move me into this place I don't feel 100% comfortable with. My current mindset is I should just go into this and see what happens. Maybe i will become comfortable with it. One of the biggest parts is...the living situation. Sure, this is free rent and free meals..but i will be living with 3 other roommates. What if we just don't get along? What if they find out who i REALLY am, and can't accept that? Part of me just wishes I could find a different place, but I'm not going to. I'm going to give this a chance. I'm not going to give up. But i will say....If i give this a chance and just don't feel comfortable, I'm not going to fake it and go along. I will feel bad for the kids, but I can't work with an organization that is so faith-based I don't feel comfortable, I just couldnt do that.
One thing I thought about (and phill helped me think about it more) is .... what if this in fact.....helps me. What if I go along with, and what if I go to all the prayers, worships, and faith activities....and most of all...what if I get my faith back? As you all know...my faith is...well, if not questionable, next to non-existant. It has nothing to do with me being gay, I just have lost the connection, stopped going to church, and have been through a lot of things where I either don't believe a "higher being" should let certain things happen or I've come across some things that seem a little contradictory to me. I'm not getting into that though. Point is---my faith in religion is lacking, and what if this experience provides a light (per-say) into the faith I once lost.

I've done a lot of thinking about this. The move from Michigan to Pittsburgh has been tough enough...actually the single hardest physical move I've had to do in my life. This very sudden move to the site is going to be hard as well. I think i might be more comfortable if this wasn't faith-based...but I'm going to give it a shot. I am a believer in everything happens for a reason. Maybe there is an underlying reason behind this I am too oblivious to see. Time will tell.

Thanks for reading.