12/24/10

Day 7 of being home for the holidays.

Relaxing? Fair.

Enjoyable? Sure.

Dysfunctional? Completely.

I always tell people every time I visit home something is bound to happen to support my notion of having a quite (more than habitual) dysfunctional family. I'm not sure if it's just me finally getting fatigued of always coming home to dysfunction and stress, but whatever it is, I'm getting quite tired of it. I know I know, it's my family, I should just love them. I do, I do. But, there's gotta be some point of reconciliation to a normal family, right? Perhaps not, perhaps its just wishful thinking. Nevertheless, if God has taught me anything, it's to just love the family I am blessed with and he will not face me with anything I cannot endure.

So, talks about christmas gifts have been overly, unnecessarily controversial this year. For the sake of trying to sustain as little additional drama as possible, I won't get into the details. But, generally speaking, there was .....questionable intentions on some gifts that were being offered to me this year. If yinz want to know one thing about me, you should (already) know that I stand up for what I am thinking and I don't let things just pass by me. If I have a provoking thought, I'm going to act on it. Why do yinz suppose I ended up in Pittsburgh? Because I wanted to do something else in the summer and when I got a call from Pittsburgh I decided.... why not? I want to do it, so... I packed my stuff, got rid of my apartment, rented a storage facility, and bought a plane ticket. Now, going back to the original subject of matter here, I stood up for my questioning and thoughts and emotions that lie on these intentions. Whether or not it was justifiable is up to them. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am and fighting for what my thoughts are.

Through these ...well, I wouldn't call them arguments per say, but rather.... discussions with "very strong convictions in which strife was almost inevitable and in which very silly names were thrown here and there :)", I had the opportunity to openly share my values on christmas with family. That is, I believe previous christmases were fair to be called materialistic. Call me crazy, but I really didn't "light up" because I got more than enough of things to take back home that day. I have seen much too many kids who have touched my life in some way or another who probably won't get half of what I'll get this year. And the heroic part is, some of them don't mind and are just as happy with getting little to nothing, if anything. I'm not sure how they do it, and to be in that state of mind at such a young age just puts me in complete awe. I mean, my mother had me and my brother put together my niece's barbie mustang powerwheel (which took 2 hours for assembly and proper stickers placement) in which she will open along with a dozen or two other gifts just from our family alone. At 4 years old, I would be in heaven.

Now, I can honestly and contently say that I could be happy if I didn't get anything. Now, I know that will not happen, because my family is so focused on the aspect of giving and getting, rather than being with family. Cliche, I know. But honestly, I'm sure I said it in one of my facebook statuses (mind you, from the 1st day home) as "Let's grow up and be appreciative of who we are around with on that day, instead of worrying how much we 'have to spend' on each other. Get me nothing! I'll be happier than you will be." Some may not believe me for my words, but again, I really can't say I care because this is what I think and perhaps the reason some may not believe me is because it seems these days it's such a rarity that anyone feels this way anymore.

Well, officially it is christmas eve. The "festivities" begin tomorrow here in the martin household. In this cozy house in Holland we will hold 14 friends and family members with 4 hyperactive dogs. Dysfunctionality will have its prime moment to shine then. Truth be told, I'm hoping for a bearable christmas. I have 11 days or so left before I return to the Keystone state, and in the meantime, I am trying to make the best out of all of this. I ask for your prayers of sanity (no, really) to get through everything. For the non-believers, I ask that you simply sympathize for me, though no pity, please.

If this has seemed like a dramatical, extensive rant on normal, run-of-the-mill dysfunction that everyone faces, I (1) apologize for boring you for 5 minutes and (2) hope you realize either your family is not that bad, or that after reading this sad literature, your family is a little worse than you thought. Regardless! Have a wonderful time with your family, friends, and loves ones on this christmas, and may we all embrace the ones we have today, for yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, and that my friends, is why we call it the present.

The only present I shall ask for this christmas.

12/8/10

Just had to share this with yinz...

Today I was asking each student some questions for an evaluation type thing.

As I was asking one of the students a question, she interrupted me by asking,

"Mr. Jermy, is Santa fo real? Like, is he fo REAL? I hope he is..."

"Well..... sure he is. Why do you ask?"

"Because some kids at my schoo said he ain't real and there aint no santa."

"Well, _____ , just because one or a couple people say something isn't real, doesn't always mean that they are right. You believe in him right?"

"Yeah Mr. Jermy, but my mom puts out presents too. But I think shes just helping him."

" :) Yeah... I think she is too. But, _____ , just know that when some people tell you not to believe in something, don't always listen to them. There's going to be many times when other kids will tell you something else to believe in that you don't believe in. All you need to do is keep believing what you want to believe in! You believe in God. If someone at school told you he doesn't exist, you wouldn't stop believing in God, right?"

"right............. thanks Mr. jermy :D *Huge Hug* "

I was all smiles when she gave me that hug. This is why I love AmeriCorps. There's a quote from an AmeriCorps poster saying "We look the child in the eye and say 'I believe in you'" That's exactly what I want to do with my little time I am with the kids. I'm going to miss these kids.

11/30/10

Oh, I do believe it has been almost a month since I've laid eyes on this blog. It's been a pretty hectic time, but nevertheless. . . it's been much overdue for a new posting.

There was a time (semi-recently) where I was invited to accompany a neighbor to her church one night. I was ecstatic that she would extend this offer to me. Without thinking, I accepted and plans were made to visit this church in the next couple days.

On the car ride there, I can tell she was making a respectable effort to get to know me and to see where I've come from. We prattled on about my coming to this city, to my site, and my faith journey. The air in the car seemed to get more dry as we talked more and more about my relationship with God.

We couldn't have arrived to the church on a more pronounced moment as a majestic building appears as we drive up a hill out of nowhere. Ahhh... the typical suburban evangelical Assembly of God church. What the bible says is what is true and what is to be believed. As this was being explained to me, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when the bible, here, is taken so literally word by word. But. . . I have to wonder. . . . . does anyone in this 1,000 congregation eat shellfish? :p Alright I know, I know... I won't go there. BUT, it was intriguing, so I was even more intrigued to see how the service went.

The beginning was typical. Modern, contemporary christian worship songs with a young worship leader on stage with a hip, small band behind her accompanied by a modest sized choir on stage right. Alright...not bad, I thought. I like contemporary worship.

The service started and they introduced a speaker that only comes once a year. He seemed great and definitely influential. Perhaps....too influential? After getting the crowd riled up and getting their hands to almost touching the ceiling and having everyone so spiritually wound by his words, I'm sure he had every person in there thinking there was no roof.

Regardless, I just was not getting totally into it. He then asked if there was anyone who has not given their life over to Christ as their Savior and accepted Him back into their life. The lovely neighbor I came with insisted I go up.

No. You cannot make me go up to reclaim God back in my life. Plus, I've already done that. What might give you the reasoning that I have not. Quite offensive if you should ask me.

The car ride back was anything but a quaint little drive home. So, with the willfulness I had, I decided to prompt the question: Do you think a gay person can be a Christian. The facial reaction was as if I was asking for a couple million dollars to borrow---a hybrid between disbelief and hysterical. She then began her response by "No. I do not think a gay person can be a true follower of Christ." Enlighten me, I thought. I'm ready for this (with an almost demonic grin). Without saying, she continued "the bible specifically says homosexuality is a sin and it is not right, it is not what he wanted, and it is a sinful lifestyle." Touché I thought-- the bible indeed says homosexuality is a sin. However, if I am not mistaken, the bible also states if a women does not cover her head, she should cut it off! As it happened to be... she was not covering her head of beautiful luscious hair.

Hark! I am not here to bash, nor detriment any person, church or assembly. Rather, I'd like to pose an argument that I've been struggling with. Surely, this follower of Christ is not the only one that believes "being gay is not what Christ wanted" and that "being gay is a simple choice. You have the choice to not be gay if you didn't want to. It's just like if I had a choice..." A choice to be gay, you mean??? Oh...of course not, you mean... "like if I was a prostitute..." ahhh yes, lets compare being gay with being a prostitute. After all, apples sometimes look like oranges, right? "if I was a prostitute, I could change my lifestyle if I wanted to. It would be my choice and I could change if I really wanted to." Ahhh.... it all makes (no) sense now :)

So the question, or rather more of a quote, I pose now to yinz, is this (not sure what translation this is...but I like it ):

"Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.

So..... :)

I mean, let's think about this. "Why do you see the speck in your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, while the log is in your own eye?" It was made explicit that I am living a horrible horrible, corrupt, nefarious lifestyle. Ok, judge me. Judge me all you want. But we are true believers in Christ then we know that how we judge others is how we will be judged when we come face to face with Him. Also, here I am setting all my wicked immoral life sins on the table. The question prevailing is: where is your stuff to put on the table?

Through this .... endeavor I've come across (and quite frankly still trying to defeat) I have taken a deeper meaning into how we treat others and most importantly, if my faith I have been working on since I moved to Pittsburgh has been all worth it if the words these Christians are telling me are indeed truth. I haven't let it get too much to my head, however. I figure.... if I believe in Him, and I love everyone as my brother and sister, isn't that the most important thing He asks from me? From all the times 'loving one another' is mentioned in the bible, isn't that such a powerful message and stipulation we should follow more often than not over the seldom times things such as homosexuality was mentioned? Here me now, I'm not trying to say homosexuality isn't a sin. Maybe it is, I really don't know. But what every follower of Christ knows, is that our main goal is love one another. And if my brothers and sisters want to go around bashing me for who I love because they can't grasp the meaning of 'love one another' and would rather judge me for something like that because they believe that is more important to make themselves feel better for this moment than to stand in front of the face of God at the end and be judged the same way....well all I have to say is...

Peace to you.

11/2/10

There there baby

It's just text book stuff

It's in the ABC of growing up

Now now darling,

Oh don't kill yourself

Cause none of us were angels

And you know I love You, yeah.

Loose ends never have a good place in any kind of relationship. True, they are avoidable, but we are always told to learn from our mistakes. It's all part of growing up. I myself, have come to learn much from many mistakes, from myself and from other's mistakes. Rarely have had I had comfort of talking to someone so in depth about serious loose ends in life to where I feel acceptably placid. It's ok though. This is how I learn in life. I (try to) accept what has happened, I (try t0) see where it went wrong, and realize indeed, none of us were angels.

"Time heals all scars." Will they? There are some scars so deep that when we got them, we didn't even feel it until later. These scars may very well never "heal". Visibly, sure they may look healed. Time can heal scars, but what heals the pain? This is never easy to think about. Sadly, things just happen, and a lot of the times we are blinded by the outcome. I don't like it. But it's life.

What does it do for us when we stop something that is hurting us as much as it's giving us pleasure? It's easy to discern that we are cutting ourselves off from getting hurt anymore than what we have already endured. However, we are humans and we have to ask ourselves "is this worth it?" Of course it is. In the long run, we have to believe that this is going to do better for ourselves. So let's go to hell, and see if we can rebound back, granted that we actually learn something by putting ourselves through the trip. It's not going to be easy. I hate this so much. Where do I stand when I have a semi-supportive group here, and less than adequate supportive group back home? Some will be quick to tell me.. "well, stand with God of course!" This might be an answer, but I've struggled to get to this point where I should already have this in my head before I ask that question. What do you do when you have the biggest support in your life taken out from under you. I'm struggling to stand now. I can't balance without a support that was built so dear into my life. I'd like to think I'm going to get it back some day, sometime.

What sucks the most is the person I need to talk to the most to help get me through this, is the one I can't talk to. How long will I clench this bottle, staring at the phone and deleting all the messages I fail to send.

I'll wait.

9/22/10

"Gonna let it rock
Let it roll
Let the Bible belt come down
And save my soul
Hold on to 16 as long as you can
Changes coming around real soon
Make us women and men"

Isn't that the truth. How many times do we tell ourselves "Man, I wish I was ___ again"? Truth be-told, this job has made me covet that notion more and more. I'm not putting up a front and I'm not being fake in terms of expression of my great job, more specifically on Facebook. I do like my job. I do like being at The Pittsburgh Project and I love the people there. I do like being part of AmeriCorps. With every "job" there comes that inevitable drag, along with all the pinnacles of the position. For me, I never got to be Jack and Diane for very long at all (if you don't know what I'm talking about by now, google it, it will make sense. trust me). Early in my venture in the 'Burgh, I did let the Bible belt come down and save my soul...err.....not exactly so much save my soul, but let back into my soul. And if the term "Hold on to 16 as long as you can" not express my wishes enough, I'm not sure what else does. Oh wait, of course, the next couple words, "Changes coming around real soon, Makes us women and men." Where have my last 8 years of my life gone? If we really do travel down that path to find the answer, I'm afraid, my friend, we might get lost in the darkness. The light switch is somewhere between taking after my older siblings and being the first of my older siblings to go to college, and perhaps somewhere along the lines of being independent and starting laundry, cooking, and writing checks at the age of 12. You would think from all of this, I would be used to being responsible and doing things independently. No. No, in fact, I'm struggling just as much as anyone else is right now, perhaps even more. I'm not ready to be a grown man. What is this woe that has robbed me of the youth life? I'm not complaining about having responsibility or growing up in general. Hell, I've gone through stuff that middle aged men don't know how to deal with.

With the ideology of being independent and responsible, comes this job at the Project. Not going to jag yinz, It's hard stuff. This is not easy by any means. I'm quickly (by force) learning community organization skills. To give you a run-down, I'm expected to create a community assessment on food security, hunger rates, health concerns, and accessibility. I am to carry out a plan of action for the local homeless shelter in order to sustain a long-term participation with the children of this community. I am to maintain the three Urban gardens and farms we operate and run the weekly farmers market. Then there are the volunteers. If there is one thing I can tell you about volunteers if you are going into anything community related----- Do Not Count On Them. They are as likely to come back to you as a balloon you set free in the sky. So this long-term Volunteer Strategy Plan of Action I'm expected to accomplish.... well, I really don't know where to start when there as much volunteers that are actually "faithful" to our program that I can count on one hand. Mind you---most or all of those volunteers are "faithful" because they are on some federal welfare program where they receive their welfare from service hours.

This is not the community for a large garden interest. It just isn't. The idea is grand, but the demographic for people to bring their family on the farm and do manual labor with dirt just isn't here. I'll tell you where that interest is----white suburban neighborhoods. And how much more true does this statement become when the North Side community sees mostly white people at the farm stand and always a group of white kids working on the farm. Oh, how so encouraging. I have nothing to say to these neighbors when they tell me they hate our program because we do is have these suburban kids work on our farms. Ok... you got us. But... if you are bitter about it, why don't you do something. I've worked my ass of this summer recruiting volunteers for the garden and nobody shows up. Gee, I wonder how we will ever get anything done on this farm.

This is just one instance where I'm sitting in my office beating myself up internally because I have no idea what to do about this. We can't have these kinds of groups work on this garden forever. So how in the world am I supposed to get these community members to plant flowers for us. More importantly, how are they supposed to take me seriously? True, I have a wonderful support from a section of the neighborhood from my work in the summer, but that section still can't be responsible for helping me get people on the farm. I'm expected to create a documentation plan of how to carry out a long-term volunteer strategy plan....when I don't even know the simplest, short-term plan to even begin. There are times where I'm sitting in my office thinking Why am I doing this? There are people much more qualified to do this job than I am. I just don't have the confidence level I need for this job. It's just not what an ordinary 20 year old is standard to doing.

Well, it's time to get ahold of the bootstraps. My days of teenage love and contemplation about my future are over. How the hell I'm supposed to do this job in this community, I haven't got the slightest clue. I'm sure I have pretended quite well to everyone else that I know how to. Don't let that fool you.

9/14/10

"Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom."

If you really knew me. . . you would know so much more than you think. You look at people you know, and you say "I know you." But do you? Do we really know them, or do we know of them. Do we know about them? If we really knew someone, would they have to tell us what they were feeling behind their mask, without them saying anything?

Do you know me? There are a very select few who really...i mean really know me. Through the most burdensome times, I've found who is there for me. Who knows me. Can you think of someone who really knows you. I'm not talking about your self-reputed "BFF". Who knows what you are thinking, without seeing your eyes, your mouth, or hearing your voice? Anyone? Truth is, many of us will say "Duh Jeremy, God knows me". Okay, well (1) that's a cheap shot.. I know that. And don't come back to me saying "Well, no one knows me like God does--" Stop. I know this as well. For now, let's leave Him out of this. We know He knows all of our deepest secrets, knows us better than we know ourselves, and knows how we are feeling, even before we know what we are feeling. (2) If you really knew me, you would know how I feel about things as if you were God. Okay, that's a little weird and may not make sense, sooooo I'm saying, if you knew me, you would know me better than I know myself. I can think of one person right now in my life (who's alive) that I have this connection with. My hope and prayer is that yinz all have someone who you can turn to when the world is raining down on you, and they are already behind you when you start to turn around and run away.

We know of people. We know about their lives. We know how they feel.

But do we know what they think behind their facade of what they show on their faces, but hide in their mind? Do we know what they hide inside and forbid to tell anyone, but you still know what they burry deep inside of that place where we suppress our most unwanted thoughts?

I want to take this moment to thank 3 people who have been there and knows me... I mean really knows me. They know what I want to say, when I put my infamous "everything is ok" smile on. They can see right through it, and don't believe it for a half second. One is God, the other one knows who he is and I feel there is no need to exploit his name right now, the other is and has been watching over me with God.

I want to leave with this: My intent of this blog was not to discourage you of your friendships at all. Not at all. I have some amazing friendships, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Instead, take my words as a reflection instillment. If you really knew me... you would know that I have never forgot some things that I refuse to talk about. You would know that I suppress so many things that I'm halfway stepping over the edge of crying when someone mentions it or it come back to me. You would know that I blame myself for things I shouldn't to this day, that I blame myself for a death I wasn't at. If you really knew me, you would know I am incredibly happy with my life right now even though I wish I could change more about my life than what has changed already in the last 5 months, and you would know I would do anything.... to go back.

I'm not trying to make this deep and depressing at all, haha. Just some really interesting prompting reflection. And remember, "Preconceived notions are the locks on the door to wisdom." God Is Good.

9/9/10

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

Where do I even begin. This song is just a sample of what this week at the CCDA has taught me. It's a symbol of the ray of light that has been shone by the grace of God this week. I know it is none other than Him, and only Him that has made these experiences for me magical. I asked God to really show me what Christian Community Development was about. To be honest, I don't think I got too much out of that particular philanthropy. However, I have been extremely blessed by the wisdom of God's word during this trip that has been shone to me via bible study, worship and praising, meeting and talking to other people, thinking and reflecting and just being here in the presence of thousands of followers of Him. It's funny how a couple months ago, I would have never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be at a CCDA conference, let alone at a faith-based organization. The path that God has let me travel has been extremely rewarding and it's something so much bigger than me, I can't even begin to comprehend. Truly, Lord, I've asked you to "tune my heart to sing thy grace" I have sung your grace this time here in Chicago. I have been able to see what your grace can actually do. "Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it, Mount of thy unchanging love." I have asked the Lord to guide me on this Praise that I am indeed fixed upon. I've been asking that this will continue to be an unchanging love. I've asked him for strength....strength I can't even imagine. Because let's be real-- I've lost my love with God and told myself, and Him, that I would never go back. I had that infamous question of "how could he let such a horrible horrible thing happen to someone?" That's a different story (err...blog).

However I attempt to describe my stay here, it can never serve justice to what it actually is. To have thousands of people in one place, here for the same reason. It's incredible. Everyone here wants to learn more about God's will and how to better service his will. We all want to know how to become better servants of God. When we all come together to praise and worship in one big room, it gives me goosebumps. When we are all there praising, I think that people either leave their problems they are dealing with out the door, or lift their struggles up to the Lord as they embrace the power and energy from everyone else. For me, I don't check out my problems at the door. Rather, I bring them with me wherever I go. True, most of the time they stay dormant. But, when I feel that I am really connecting with God, especially during worship, I offer my struggles to the Lord and just really ask him to accept my struggles and to help me deal with these issues. I lift them up to the Lord. Tomorrow is the last day, and we leave on Saturday. I have met so many people here, and they are all very incredible and inspiring. I have made some great connections for my personal and career lives. There's a great feeling that comes out of meeting a stranger, getting to know them, finding commonalities, and knowing how we can help each other. I've met people in Tennessee, Texas, Washington D.C., and Kentucky. No matter where we come from, we all can help each other in one way or another. We are a learner to one person, and a teacher to another.

Let us never forget the power of the Lord and what his will is. Let us not forget what we as his people can accomplish, and by that goal, let us leave racism, discrimination, and any other negative things we hear about our brothers and sisters, and let us leave that negativity somewhere else. As God's people, we have a mission to carry on his will. That is what we are here for. We can't expect to just be a christian and believe in God, and go to church and expect to walk into Heaven with a wide open gate. What is it to be a Christian? To go to church, read the bible and believe? Um.... No. We have to spread his word to others. We have to carry out his will by working on making the communities more socially just. It's so much more than just believing. I can't wait to see what the end of this conference has in store for me. I feel I am going to go back home with a new, refreshed feeling and vision of why I am here in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Project. This uncharted territory is exciting...and I'm ready.

08/31/10

"He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am the tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his weight and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

and how great Your affections are for me."

Isn't this true. Out of our blindness, we are truly eclipsed by His glory. When we least expect it, often. To me, its a mystery how He sometimes loves, and shows his affection. By the previous blogs, it's obvious to note the past couple days have been rough. Rough in thought. These thoughts were converted into prayers to Him. "My heart turns violently inside of my chest. And I don't have time to maintain these regrets....when I think about, the way." It's a great phenomenon of really how He loves us.

Today was great. His glory truly showed in today's work. Training today for KEYS was an open playground. Rather...it was more accurately a ropes course camp. Nevertheless, there was some "intense" team-building exercises. After airborne by the zip line, me and some pretty awesome people enjoyed dinner. Dinner was a success and following that was an entertaining game of Life. Oh if life was really that easy to play. Throw some pegs in your free car, pay off $40,000 in student loans like its nothing, get paid $90,000/year by luck, and happen to get thousands of dollars for going to a museum. Let alone...the whole retiring part of the game, a half hour after you get out of college. Wait....retirement? Will that even exist in 40 years?

I'm thankful. Thankful for changes, for new friends, new opportunities, laughs, prayers, and the works of God. I am going to continuously work on this journey (long...long... journey) to know God better and re-gain his trust. If I may say so myself...he's on a good track ;) Still, it's a work in progress, and always will be. But for the time being, I give thanks for the things that have happened, and the prayers from yinz. ;) Peace

08/29/10

"And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

Isn't that the truth. True, we can't fight the tears that ain't coming. There's no point forcing ourselves to believe in something that we know won't come. I'm not saying something that isn't coming...but something that we tell ourselves, and ourselves only that it isn't coming. We don't tell others because of the fear---the fear that they will think you might be vulnerable, pathetic, or just plain crazy. And we just can't have that, can we?

True, we also can't fight the moment of the truth in our lies. Our lies happen and there's not much we can do about it. "The moment of the truth"---think about it. That moment is a second of speech we spit out that marinates in another person's head. There's no taking it back. We say what we say. Is it right? No, not at all. So why do we do it. Who knows. But I know one thing, we sure as hell cannot fight the moment of truth in those lies.

"When everything feels like the movies and you bleed just to know you're alive." Surely, none of us, hopefully, have to bleed ourselves to assure ourselves we are indeed alive. But it's a strong desire for most in extreme situations. In cases where we tell ourselves we can't handle this...we have to physically tell ourselves we ARE ALIVE! And its at that moment when we lay down to go to bed and think to ourselves... is this life--the life I want? And that answer is resolved by nobody but yourself.

Lately there has just been a lot of thinking going on. Not bad thinking, just about what I'm doing, what I've done, and what I'm going to do. So what am I doing.... well I'm pursuing to make a difference in the community. Recently, I've been sinking myself in thoughts overflowing out of my ears. I'm waist-deep in thoughts. What have I done? I've made mistakes, plenty of them. A chain and anvil of regret drag along wherever I go. I can live with it, because its the least I deserve. But what else I have done is what I can do right now--look back and be ashamed of it..and ask myself why I did those mistakes and how I can learn from it. Substance abusers often use this technique and ask themselves why they repeatedly used over and over and over. To everyone else, their reason means nothing, but to that one person who is listening, its the only thing they are hearing. What I'm going to do...is learn, live, listen, and respect. Because if there was a way for my voice to reach the past, I would whisper to those I've made mistakes upon and softly say "I'm made a mistake. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I haven't learned yet." And for me, I'm continuously asking God for courage.....and talking to someone else up in the sky for advice.

On a less doleful note, my first day of training for KEYS (again) is tomorrow. Yep.... Not much else to say about it. Am I excited?!?!... Hell no. But its mandatory and it's only a week. I haven't met anyone yet, but I don't mind too much right now. This thinking might be good...or obstructive... but either way, it's passing the time. haha.

8/28/10

Where is everyone?

It's my second day back in Pittsburgh. Not exactly how I pictured it. I guess sometimes we hype up for something for so long, that we find it far less than par when it actually happens. It's just another thing to learn from. Sure, things might get better--they always do, right? ... Right? Why can't I just have thought about this as being another day, in another state, doing another job? I think it's because I like change when it presents something better than what I had or something new that I know will be good for me. The problem I face thusly, is that it rarely lives up to what I expect. Surely, there is still the paychecks, the changing of the neighborhood, and being in a great city. But... I just don't feel like doing anything or being anywhere right now. It's one of those feelings where we all have said to ourselves "why can't I just run away to a random, different city where no one knows me and start all over?" Well... I did run off to a random city, where no one knew me. Did I start over? No. Yet, I still had a great summer, nevertheless. I think what my problem is right now is that no one is really here at the building right now. I really don't have a ton to do at this moment. There is no internet or television in my apartment. I hate sleeping alone in that apartment. I have no food. And I just miss people. A lot. I just need to grow up and wait to see what comes of this. That's all.

Everything is still overwhelming to me. I assured myself things will kick in and settle down once I arrive. Yet, there is still this uncomfortable, anxious, fatigue feeling. So many thoughts race through my mind. Am I going to be able to do good work? What does everyone expect from me? Do they think I can't do it because I'm so young? I don't know... sometimes I ask myself while falling asleep if I'm ever making the right decisions. I mean...what if I continued school and started an organization on campus? Wouldn't that be enough self-fullfilment? Why does the spawn of pessimism have to come to me so soon? I just got here :(

Well...one thing to look forward to is labor day week. From tuesday the 7th to saturday the 11th, 6 of us from The Project are going to Chicago for a Christian Community Development Association conference. It should be pretty fun. I like everyone I'm going with. It will be a nice change of pace for a little bit. Hopefully it will make things a bit better.

We can't expect things to be a certain way if we don't have direct control over them. We may have some influence on it, but ultimately, we cannot alter the fate of something. Sometimes we just need to let things run it's course. The beginning of the course can start out rocky and we may lose confidence in the guidance of events, but there is only 2 things you can do while rafting in a current---keep going until you reach a stop, or jump out and end the ride. One is easier. One is safer. I think for now, I'm going to go with the current....and let fate and God take me on whatever crazy adventure they take me to.

08/25/10 - - I'm Still Alive

My apologies for the lack of coverage in the life of Jeremy. Counting on my memory serving me right, I do believe the last blog was middle of July. The hands-down best summer of my life had passed by my eyes like a lightning bolt since then. Saying goodbye to the summer staff was an agonizing, distressful experience. I just didn't know how to balance out the emotions of sadness and happiness from all of the reminiscence racing through my mind. Like the saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over... Smile because it happened." That.... I have done.

My flight left the Steel City about 1 in the afternoon on August 10th. I kept the image of looking at the beautiful skyline in the rear view mirror with me, dear to my heart! Okay, Okay...I know I'm sounding like I'm never going back, but I do truly miss the city!

This summer has been amazing. I can't imagine what I would be doing should I have turned down this opportunity or even not apply for this. I am so grateful for what uncharted experiences I have been able to explore in such an amazing and lively city. I would give anything to do it all over again. My friends that I have made are irreplaceable and its them that I was able to pursue further into what I can truly do in Pittsburgh. Often, I would find myself asking how is it I am getting paid to have this much fun over the summer??? I will never be able to forget this summer. Perhaps one of the fondest memories I miss is singing my heart out with friends in the car. Getting lost. At night. Windows down. Yes...those were the times. I can still feel laying down on the grass, looking up at the wispy clouds reminiscing on times that put the biggest ear-to-ear smiles on our faces. How can I ever forget kayaking with the girls along the downtown skyline? Or how about going out to eat at midnight for half off menu. Or seeing a broadway performance of Hairspray for $14? It is surely safe to say that I have had the best summer of my life in Pittsburgh.

My time between my contracts in AmeriCorps here in Holland has been alright. I do wish I could have seen more people, but indefinitely thankful for those who I have had the chance to see. Time with the family has been good, but most definitely ready to go back to the city. I sure wish I could have spent the time in Michigan to really see more people, but I think I'll be able to do that on my breaks home now.

My job description manifesto is 16 pages. I'm working with some 12 collaborative non profit partners. Events will be organized by yours truly. I will be attending as many meetings and events as my biological clock will allow. The farm will still be calling my name, along with the local homeless shelter. Over the course of this madness I will establish a relationship with the community and build upon it. Most of all... I will (try to) not lose my sanity. Some might say this is overwhelming. Though I agree, I call this my future for the next year. I'm not trying to prematurely incorporate pessimism into my work, but I just can't stop thinking about how many different aspects go into this responsibility. I have this inevitable thought crawling through my brain telling me I'm not qualified enough for this position. Maybe I am...but how am I to follow up and live up to the expectations to the previous employee who actually established many partnerships within the city, made a neighborhood advisory board from scratch, and developed loving connections with this neighborhood? I know, it will take time. And it is welcoming and calming to hear some people say I have a wonderful community to back me up on whatever I do. And indeed, I do feel I have a great community to back me up and support me. Over the ephemeral summer in that neighborhood, I feel like I already made some starting relationships with program directors, members, children, and community volunteers, as well as amazing community residents with the biggest hearts and open arms you can imagine. I'd like to think the community in the neighborhood and the Pittsburgh Project community is enough to float me above the worries I bring with me. My hope is that with God's continual guidance, along with the Pittsburgh Project family, I will be able to believe in myself more. One of the things that came up on my end of the summer evaluation from the Project is to work on my self-confidence. There is no disagreeing here. I know this, and have known it for a while. But time will only tell what success may bring out of me. Am I excited for this next year? Hell yes. Nervous? Of course. Ready to make a change in a neighborhood that is calling for help, while representing AmeriCorps proudly? That...is what I am proud to do.

I know what you are thinking.... "Finally!"

There have been so many good times that have happened and as much as I would love to write and reminiscent about them, I am going to express about something a little more broad.

25. The number of days left of this summer internship.

One reason I wanted to start this blog is for this moment. To look back on the first couple of blogs. At this time, I can look back, smile, laugh and think....how could I ever hate being here? Because truth be told, I hated being here so much I looked into booking out of this program. I had almost had enough.

Time went on. I met more people. Deep, meaningful conversations were made. Emotions changed. I went to CLUB. I worshiped. Songs.....hit home. Real bad. I have realized where I am, spiritually and physically. It has been a powerful journey. I have learned so much, mostly about myself and where I stand on faith. No one here is trying to change me. I feel so at home here. I have had the time of my life. I'm not sure what there is to come of this next year.

Whatever I choose to do for this next year, I ask of two things..

(1) Guidance to show me where my next chapter of life will be

(2) Continual support from you guys, my friends, and I only can hope that I can get half the support that my friends give me, from my family.

7/8/10

Yeah...sorry I have been awful at keeping up on this the past couple days (weeks).

But, today and yesterday were pretty rough days. I wish I could say it was just because of the heat, because trust me, it definitely made working outside brutal. But, in reality, its something much more than the heat wave. Something has been bogging on me for a little bit.

Yesterday a couple friends here at the Project asked if I wanted to go star gazing at night. I thought that sounded like such a good time. And I was excited to go. As we were on our way... a sea of emotions came over me. I was getting drowned....fast. Where did these emotions come from and why now? Regardless, we went on the car ride but the others definitely knew something was up. I wasn't myself. But I was tryin to think about why I feel like this now. We finally found a pretty great place with yet another one of Pittsburgh's picturesque views. there were some nice hills that we walked up to. A blanket was laid down, the mosquitos were lively (and hungry), and we laid down to star gaze. Just that moment, I realized what it was.

I love star gazing. It is such a nice and relaxing thing to do at night. It also helps that you have an amazing view of the city once you sit up. I realized what it was. It was Shane. This was our favorite past-time together. Yeah I know...it's been about 3 years since his death, but we had so much together. In a previous post I mentioned I try to communicate with him by looking up at the sky and talking to him, and asking for his advice. What people don't know is....I never get advice from him. But it never stops me from talking to him. And....it sucks. It really does. I hate everything about not having him anymore. I just hate it. This is what made me go away from God. I just hated everything.... It was just harder than I thought it would be star gazing because..................... it was the first time I've gone star gazing with someone else since ... he died. I enjoyed the view and star gazing, it was just.... beating my inside and my head. It's times like these where I let myself think about how horrible I feel about it all. What do I hate the most? Not being able to say goodbye...alive. To not see his emotion, his eyes, feel his heart, see his smile, feel his touch....its heart-wrenching to even write about it now. It really is. It just fucking sucks. There was a lot of reflecting going on today when I wasn't busy.

But tomorrow is a new day. I need to keep looking forward and burning the bridges. It needs to happen. And it will..sometime. Tomorrow is a new beginning and I will make the best of it. I have a good support system here and at home. I will make it. It sucks so bad. It does. But, as much of a part of my life it still is, I am having an amazing summer :)

6/30/10

Today was great :) I cannot begin to explain the joy I have about the journey I have come across since coming here to Pittsburgh and The Project.

I have learned so much here at the Project. I cannot imagine any other place where I could learn so much about life, about my faith, and most of all....about myself. There have been some challenging times here with the children and all, but nothing, and I mean nothing competes with the love, strength, wisdom, and the sense of family that I get from being here. It is not just the people here. They will come and go, some of them. It is the mission, the atmosphere and the passion this Project has. There is something special about this place. There truly is.

As many (or all) of you know, before coming here, and a couple days after, I truly hated the thought of being here. The idea to be in a Christian-based organization for the whole summer frightened me. Who are these people going to accept? What will they be like? Will they be welcoming? Will they be open-minded? Am I going to be able to talk to anyone?

These questions raced through my mind day after day until one day. One day, I noticed something about this place. People aren't perfect. Christians....are not perfect. No one is. And these people here do not act like there is nothing wrong and that God is so wonderful that everything is well. People realize this community needs a lot of help. They know that. They know their own lives need a lot of help. Not everyone here has a flawless and strong relationship with God. I started to feel welcomed. I'm not sure why. I think I felt a little at ease when i realized these people are so open-minded. They are incredibly open-minded. This whole family of staff that lives and works here. They are amazing.

Over the course of about 4-5 weeks, I have become part of something bigger than myself. Something........bigger than myself. I didn't think i would ever say that. Do you know how good that feels? Let me tell you......it feels like.... well.....it really is emotional. There is something here that really is comforting to me. There is something here that lets me know everything is going to be ok for me. Something....that helps me get through my struggles, no matter what they are. It is something that is always there....ALWAYS there. Do you know what it is.....

It's Family.

I have family here. It's community. I am surrounded by love here and best of all....they remind me every......single.....day.

Here I am. Writing this blog. About this amazing community here. This amazing place we call the Pittsburgh Project. So here I am. I have fallen in love. I have had my heart ripped right from my chest when Shane died on me. I will never forget the pain I was put through. I was so emotionally weak that I couldn't even tell if I was hungry...or when the last day I ate was. I've gone through hell in my life. But now....as I write my testimony about being here at this ...... this safe Haven at the Project...with this caring family I have become a part of.... I cry. These are tears of joy people. I have never felt so welcomed at a place. Never have i felt so embraced, so empowered, so loved, so encouraged, and so included in a community.

I have changed as a person here. I am not done changing. But I do believe a small part of me has made me a changed person.

I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't. These people here have taught me so much about life. So much more than I can imagine. They have taught me a great deal about faith....and we are just getting started. I have learned so much about community. Also a lot about gardening ;). But most of all.....they have helped me learn so much about myself. Who is this person, I ask. Who is this person who walked into the Project with almost no faith? I'm not saying I have a deep connection with God now. I don't. And it will take a long long time. But right now, I feel so empowered by his people, and his community here. I believe I can work on this relationship.

I have had a relationship where the connection faded. Eventually, the connection was non-existant because the person I put all trust into....all my devotion....took his life. I believed in nothing. Nothing at all. Then.... i found that connection I lost. It was always there.

I'm feeling the same way right now about my relationship with God. I had a good relationship with him at one point. I lost it for a really long time. I think by the help of my friends (or "family") here, I am starting to realize He was always there.

So. Here is my announcement. I know most of you are not going to like this. I know. And I do apologize. But please understand this....I am doing this because I KNOW that this is what I need to do. I am extending my stay of AmeriCorps for another year. Here. At the Project. As far as school, I am going part time during the year. Will i go back to school after this? Of course I will. I am so dedicated to my education. But at this point, I really believe I need to be here longer. As far as if I will come back to Michigan/Western after the year here, or stay in Pittsburgh for school, that is up in the air. This is what I want for me. Be happy for me. As I am happy for you. This is my journey. This is my chapter. I'm writing it with joy. These plans are 95% sure in place. Never doubt the 5%. Never. For now... I believe this is what is right for me. Most of you will hate this. But my hope from you...ALL of you...is that you are filled with joy for me. This is my journey. This is my life. And may I say....I am so crushed to not be able to live closer with my friends and family....but I just know this is.......I know this is for me.

I love you all.

6/28/10

Today I had the worst classes ever. I'm not sure why they show any respect to me. I'm not sure if it is something I am doing...or not doing. I just don't know anymore. I felt absolutely horrible today. 8th grade was bearable, but still pretty rude most of the time. 7th grade was worse with an attitude to do nothing at all, and then there was 6th grade. I'm sorry to say.....but it was a class straight from hell. No no no, i am NOT saying they were from hell....but it was a class from hell. Haha. Funny stuff aside, I was incredibly drained after those classes. I had to reflect on what the hell happened. Why was today so exhausting and why did today go horrible wrong? I never wanted to do what I had to do at the end of the 6th grade class. I told myself I won't do this, but I had to. I had a respect talk with them. Not just any respect talk. I had to tell them my true emotions of the frustration that I have suppressed as I struggle to talk over them again and again and again. I told them "I was never forced to come here. I chose to come here because I wanted to help kids. I am not getting paid a generous amount of money to stay here. I moved here to pittsburgh because I wanted to help you guys. From day 1 when you guys came in here, I have got nothing but disrespect and negative attitude from you all. I don't know your home situation and I'm not going to ask or assume anything about that. But when you come into my classroom, I am going to expect that you Respect yourself, others, and me. I don't care if you dont like others or if you dont like me or this class. I don't care. But keep that to yourself, because all I am asking from you right now is some simple respect from you guys. Ever since you guys came through that door, I have done nothing but give my absolute respect to you all!!! Why is that so hard to ask in return? Next week, I want to see a new attitude and level of respect. It shouldn't be that hard because you guys are starting at Zero respect. Have a good week."

I thought this day couldn't get worse. I was wrong. Very wrong :) Me, Amanda, and a VISTA AmeriCorps member all went out into the community to spread word about the Community Farmers Market this thursday. We were off to a great start. I really love how the community knows about the Pittsburgh Project and know what good work we do. They all smile when I tell them where I am from, and I can see they are no longer skeptical about who is at their front door, and they open their door all the way to hear what I have to share with them. It was a great feeling. I really enjoyed going out into the community and really interacting with them face-to-face. We moved along quite smoothly. Then....I got to this weird house. From the sidewalk, you had to walk down about 10 or more steps, then turn right, go through the gate and there is the front door. So I proceeded and knocked on the door like any other house I approached in the neighborhood. I quickly had a chilling feeling this place wasn't good. I'd say it started with a fierce bark from a dog inside. Discouraged by this threatening bark and growl, I start to head back towards the gate. Just then, I hear the door open and the noise level elevate. I quickly turn around and there is this middle aged, white, heavy set guy peaking out the door with this huge pitbull/rotweiler mix raging to escape the house. I very briskly explain i'm from the Pittsburgh Project and spreading the word on our Farmers Market. I apologize for the disruption and excuse myself to leave so quickly. Just as I take a step back, i see the owner struggle to hold the collar of the dog. People....the look in this dog's eyes was as if he hasn't seen meat in months. He was ready to be released from all hell. Of course, the raging monster gets out of the control of the owner and as I try to make my run for my life, before I know it, I have a mean, angry, vicious machine clawing, jumping and scratching me. This dog was on a mission. He was jumping all over me. I could not bring myself to run out of the gate and up the stairs. What seemed like an hour of fighting off the dog, whether it be kicking or pushing it off, the owner miraculously gets ahold of the dog. At this point I somehow make my way up the stairs where Amanda and John have arrived after sprinting of hearing the sounds of the dog and my cry for help. I was shaking uncontrollably, dazed in a shock. My face was described as an extremely pale grey,almost green complexion. After sitting down, and hearing apologies from the owner, I reach for my small first aid kit I carry around in my pocket. Because I am such an awesome AmeriCorps, I always thought I should be prepared if anything happens........like if I get attacked by a rotweiler. So I start to clean my injury with antiseptic wipes and whatnot. We make our way back to the Project where we just catch the nurse as she was leaving in her car. She graciously took me back into the building to clean me up more and send me off to the hospital to get a tetanus shot. Let me tell you a few things about this hospital. For one, they had some pretty nice and funny people working there. Two, the doctor decided he would humor us and scrub the life out of my wound. And I mean he scrubbed that. I think the scrubbing might have hurt worse....no wait.....it did hurt worse than the actual attack. But whatever, I'll trust the guy with a Ph.D. A tetanus shot and some discharge papers later, I was off and running like new.

Needless to say, I have some words and medical bills for that dog owner. Learn how to control your raging monster. Best part of it all...he told me "I'm sorry....hes never acted like this before." Really?! Because I find it just a little hard to believe when all I did was knock on your door and your animal acts like I'm a prized feast. Mr. dog-owner, you are damn lucky I was not a small child. Animal control is on their way to your door and something will be done about your beast or your ownership. It was just uncalled for and it is just plain common sense to restrain your animal, especially if it is uncontrollable like that. If your dog is not up on his shots, you (and your wallet) are going to be sorry.

6/27/10

Sorry I have not kept up with this in 4 days...I have been too busy getting lost in Pittsburgh...
The adventures started on thursday. It was the staff's day off and some of us decided to go out to eat for dinner. Not sure why but the whole day thursday I was incredibly irritated about everything and sad to say...many people. Nevertheless, I decided to go with a group of people to a pub nearby. After taking "detours" here and there, we finally arrived at what we thought was "Penn Dark"??? It sounded like the name of a shady nightclub where your drinks are spiked with LSD....or roofies. Walking around, we discovered a pretty legit block party. After coming closer to the party, it was noticed that it looked like a reception of some sort? Though Ryan wanted to go forward and invite ourselves to the party, we went back to the restaurant. The lighting was horrible, the atmosphere was definitely pub-like and.........they didn't do separate checks!!! This was only the beginning of the dinner fiasco. It already felt awkward being there and best of all, there was a limited menu. So we (me, lacey and ryan) sat down (awkwardly) and looked at the menu. I cannot even begin to explain the awkwardness. I think the problem was that none of us wanted to be put on the same check and we didn't really like the menu...at all. After everyone ordered, the 3 of us and Jaz said we would not get anything. Again...the awkwardness level skyrockets. It doesn't stop there. To make matters even better...there was utter silence. I get a text saying "should we wait until the moment passes?" During this awkwardness I could not stop myself from laughing. I'm sure this didnt make things better. But....how could this moment get any worse? haha. It can only get worse, I thought. Finally..... Jaz took the lead! As awkward as you can imagine, she got up and said she was going to go somewhere else... slowly and extremely uncomfortably, the 3 of us stood up and walked out. I'm not sure I ever felt like that.
So...there we were, the 4 of us outside the restaurant. The question now is....where do we go? I quickly found out we have 4 very indecisive people here. After what seemed forever we tried to go to the Allegheny Sub Shop which of course closed at 2pm. While trying to open the door, this old man from down the street yelled to us and kept telling us to go to these other restaurants so we could pay for his meal (he especially wanted the shrimp fried rice). Ryan was kind enough to give him $4 that he had earned, but that did not satisfy this old man. So then we spent prolly like a half hour walking down that street trying to decide on a place to eat. Of course, none of us could make a decision. So finally we got back in the car and drove to Oakland. On the way there we almost hit a sign and died, but thankfully it was only a close call. We first went to the O but after standing there for awhile finally realized they didn't take card. So once again we turned around and kept walking. Then amazingly we decided on Joe Mama.
Jake here. I wasn't even there. I went to the casino. There was this promotion going on where you could gamble with free money. It was nuts. If it was really my money I would have lost 40 bucks, but in the end we got to keep 90. For free. They have this machine where you play tic tac toe with a real live chicken. He's in there pecking around some box and then beating you at tic tac toe. I think it's rigged. Has any one ever seen the movie "War Games"? Seriously you can't win that game. Just like you can't win thermo nuclear war. We then took our winnings and went to cheese cake factory and ordered shrimp, because during the summer of 2010 the oil spill in the gulf will eradicate the United States of all shrimp, and we had to get some before they were all oily and disgusting.
AMEN Jake.
After being seated, the four of us actually decided on 2 pizzas. I was impressed. Truly. It was pretty legit. Not lying.
Friday. On Friday they serve Pizza at a Park but me, Lacey, and Laura decided to stay on site and have a couple (or more..) slices and then wanted to go to Target. I wrote some directions down (more on that later) and off we go. After driving down what seemed like Mt. Everest, we get to the end of my directions. Of course....It ends where we have to go left or right. We pull off to a parking lot to try and decide this mess. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself.....You know what... I probably didn't scroll down enough to get all of the directions. haha....oops. I didn't tell them though :). So there we are sitting in this lot. I'm trying to call 411 for directions and Lacey is trying to work her GPS that isn't pulling up anything, anywhere and is probably only good in Canada or something. Then comes a man in a truck that pulls up in front of us and parks right on the street (illegally). He seems a little scary, especially when he parks and looks at us... as in that "i'm probably going to kill you" look. He gets out, and rummages through his back seat FOREVER, looking under about 4 blankets in the back. He finds what he's looking for and makes his way up to our car. All 3 of us are staring at this man when right from a horror movie, Laura from the back seat screams at the top of her lungs "omg omg omg omg its GUN!!!!"
.....
....
It was a cell phone.
So, after almost getting shot by a cell phone, I get some directions from Target. So there we are again, off on the road! Of course, on account of my lack of directions, we get lost. Or what seemed like it. At this point, we are sure we far from Target and at this point, I'm starting to think this trip is far too adventurous for going to Target. Anyway, we stop at a gas station where we get some legit directions. Again, we're on the road. FINALLY, we get to the right road and we see everything--Bed Bath and Beyond, Walgreens, McDonalds, Rite Aid. So we keep going...and going... and going. Now, we are starting to think we passed it. Of course. So, taking what resources I had, I wrote on a piece of paper "TARGET?" and showed it through our window. Luckily, this guy at the stop light simply pointed in the direction we were traveling. Then he rolled his window down and explained its the next light on the right behind Kohls. THEN, he rolled down his window to tell us he will let us in front. So FINALLY, after making a trip to who knows where, we reach Target. I feel like we just made a pilgrimage to Mecca.
Somehow, after Target ,we managed to make our way to the opposite direction of where we needed to. This is amazing. After about 20 minutes of driving in the wrong direction, we stopped for directions, again, only to find out we were, Indeed, way out of our way home. So, we made our way back to the general area, and we stopped for some dessert at McD's. Oddly, we found a game on McD's tables. A spin-the-straw game, if you will. Admittedly, it was fun! To end the night, we safely made our way back home, and get this...without getting lost! It was truly a miracle.
Saturday. Me, Lacey, Ryan, and Laura and Seth decided to hit up Pittsburgh Strip District. It was pretty cool. There were many cool shops and stands around the area. Here lies 4 indecisive people with the tour guide, Seth. This afternoons challenge: Find a place to eat lunch (dun dun dun...). So, we tried Pamalas. They don't accept cards. This seems to happen way too much in Pittsburgh. So from a Miracle from God, we decide to eat at Peppi's. It was pretty good. After that, we decide to go to the South Side District. This area featured more small shops here and there. We spent some good time at Dave's Music Mine looking and reminiscing about 90's classics and taking pictures with a Beyonce cutout. Don't be jealous. We walked down the street to find more cool shops. One was called the Beehive. Supposedly, its a Pittsburgh favorite for a coffee house. And it was a pretty legit atmosphere. Very cool place to just hang out and play Jenga. Yes, Jenga...with penises and phone numbers on the game pieces. After a few games of that, we headed back to the guest house. From there, we wanted to go see Where the Wild Things Are at a park in Mt. Washington. So we follow Seth and his girlfriend Brittany who claim they have directions to the Park. I'm beginning to think "directions" and "pittsburgh" are really not possible. To my amazement, we get to the wrong park, then they assure us they know the way. So we drive....and then we get out of Mt. Washington. Still, nothing is said. We drive more... and more...and keep following Seth. Still......nothing is said (about getting completely lost). After what I'm sure was 40 minutes of driving away from Mt. Washington, we get a phone call saying we are lost. Ok. I'm not sure how much of getting lost I can take. haha. Sure its fun every now and then...but it has to stop somewhere!!! After losing Seth, we turn around and negate the idea of seeing the movie. Instead, we follow through with going to the Hookah bar! I'm getting excited now. It felt like we were in the car for the entire day---oh wait, we practically were. Ha. Anyway, we managed to get our way to the Hookah Bar and...it was nothing I expected it to be. In a good way. The Hookah Bar is in an old church building and when you walk in, its a large open floor with low tables and simple "chairs" or pillow-like chairs to sit on throughout. The lighting was absolutely horrible for the menus you are given, but we decide to get a large hookah with honey melon. I'm not sure if I just didn't care or couldn't see the menu in the dark, but I (and Lacey, Ryan, and Laura) ordered a shake at $5 each. I think we all agreed, though, it was well worth it....yeah....all $5.00......for a shake. We were moved to a corner which was pretty awesome. The place was so incredibly relaxing and chill. I feel like I could go there everyday just to chill out. The actual Hookah experience was pretty cool too.
I'm going to cut this short now, (1) because this is already a novelette and (2) it is 12:00am and I have to be at my weekly meeting downtown at 8am. So, to say the least, the weekend was filled with adventures and...getting lost. A lot. It was a great weekend with great friends. I'm excited to see what other adventures God will take us on this summer :)
Night.

6/23/10

I feel so blessed to be here. I really do.

Today was a rough start, haha. There was so much drama with the elementary students!!! I found it humorous as the children were throwing threats (and dirt) at each other and I was sitting there looking at them. Dazed. Thinking. Thinking... I should probably do something about this and potentially stop it..and...I don't really care how bad these classes go, I am just so incredibly happy I am here with all of these amazing people. I don't know if I have ever been so many welcoming and accepting people :)

Besides the lucrative and sometimes disrespectful behavior of most of the students today, I believe the best part of the day was after classes. It started out picking blueberries for the Farmers Market tomorrow. It was nice to have some good friends come down on their free time and help out! Then it was time for dinner and this I know......was going to be good. Today was Homeowners Night. Every week we have a different service camp that comes in to fix homeowners houses in the community. So every week different homeowners are invited to The Project with their campers for dinner and CLUB afterwards. Dinner was good!!! Delicious mashed potatoes, turkey with gravy, beans, salad, rice pilaf! Then of course, there was CLUB where we sang some amazing worship songs and had a good time!

After CLUB, my friend Becca had asked if I wanted to go to the Elks Lodge with her. Hesitant at first, I said yes, in hopes it would be a great first experience! Nevertheless, we got there and went it. It was nothing more than what you would expect to see at Banjo Night at the local Elks Lodge. Old men, some of their wives and/or children/grandchildren, their coffee buddies, and what else.... a dozen or so old men on stage playing their hearts out on the banjos. We decided to take a seat by the bar when a gentlemen asks us for our IDs. After some explanation, it came to our knowledge that you must be at least 21 to be in the whole Elks Lodge building. Soo... after being kicked out of the Elks Lodge (and crossing that off my bucket list) we decided to check out some neighborhoods around the area. Finally, we decided to go to the Best Dessert in Pittsburgh. The place is called Gullifty's. They have notably the best desserts around! And... we were able to testify and verify the truth about this dessert phenom. We were also curious enough to see just how amazingly delicious the Hoummus and Baba Ghannoj--it was so good!

I'm going to leave you with a great song I loved today. Hope you enjoy!

Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

and blessed be Your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blesssing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
an when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

and blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's "all as it should be"
blessed be your name

and blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name

every blesssing you pour out i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your glorious name

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart wil chose to say:
blessed be your name (blessed be your name lord)

6/22/10

I'm so happy. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be part of AmeriCorps. I'm grateful for the fate that led me to come here to the Pittsburgh Project. I can't imagine how I would survive any of this without the grace of my friends here in Pittsburgh and back home in Michigan. I keep thinking about how sad I am going to be when I move back home after the summer. But...as I am constantly trying, I am looking at the positives of this whole experience. Yes, I am going to be extremely sad after this summer, but I am going to walk away with such great friendships that I will be able to carry on (hopefully) after this summer extravaganza. Even more, I will walk out of Pittsburgh a much stronger person not only because of the challenges I have had to face while here, but because my peers have helped me achieve this uplifting point in my life.

Some people have been asking me "has your faith changed since you've been there?" The bona fide truth is.... I'm not sure. It's a good "not sure" though. I think I am definitely at a great point in my faith. Before coming here, I'm not sure I even believed in anything. But, by the grace of God, I certainly am believing something....

I have been through hell in the past couple of weeks. No doubt. I have been thrown on the most extreme emotional roller coaster you can possibly imagine. I have been picked up to the highest....and dropped down as fast as an anchor. Yet....I still find a way to relieve myself and pick myself up from the ground. But not alone. Definitely not. There is no question that without the emotional and physical help from my parents, friends here, and friends home that I couldn't do this without them. So to all of you who know you are........Thank you. Genuinely, Thank you. You may not know how significant you were in my time of despair and need, but you should know that all of you have helped me become who I am right now. And that person is a better, stronger, more stable person who now has his priorities clear and in order. No longer will I dwell on being played like a marionette. Nope. I've cut the strings, and am free to do what I have come here to do. I am free to make my own decisions and responsible enough to know what is good for me, right now and in the long run.

I love you all!

6/21/10

The Children's smiles glow ear to ear like the blazing sun. They are attentive and eager to hear what we have to say. I can see in their eyes that they are passionate to do anything and are willing to do as we instruct. As I continue with my lesson, a soft breeze flows through our unique classroom outside and the kids raise their hands with prompting questions that-------wait. you really don't think this is how my first day went, do you? Ha....if only my friends. I just had to share my dream with you ;)

Now...let's hear it for our friend, Reality. The start of the day was.... rude. Arrived in the 'burgh quietly at 1am. The moon was still shining quite bright and the temperature was amazingly welcoming. A good few hours of sleep and I'm up at 6:30 to travel to beautiful downtown Pittsburgh for the weekly monday meeting. I'm not going to say it was a bit of a waste of time for an hour......no, i change my mind, it was in my opinion. Nevertheless, I made my way back to the neighborhood in which I call home. My neighborhood here is nestled with porch drug dealers, aimlessly walking children, loud voices, and plenty of vacant homes in which will, if haven't already, turn into crack houses or whore houses, and as bad as it sounds, we cannot blind ourselves from the truth. As we walk into the landscaped classroom, we catch the 2nd class of Amanda's day. They are 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders that....well....to say the least, inattentive. Can you blame them? This was unsurprisingly a recurring theme throughout the elementary youth. The time allotment was ridiculous. Scheduled, we had 45 minutes with each class. Sadly, we had much less. It must be a combination of other teachers just getting the hang of time management and youngsters taking their sweet time walking over. The class time allowed only for a name awareness activity and a brisk tour of the garden classroom. This tour was often sidetracked by children picking handfuls (not to mention mouthfuls) of blueberries, enough to make Violet Beauregarde jealous (if you don't get it, google her. I refuse to explain my jokes).

Then there came my middle school classes. Interestingly, they were quite amazing. All three classes were sometimes challenging to sustain attention, but once I had it in my hands, they were all mine and we had some wonderful discussions. I was very pleased with my classes. The only issue that probably frustrated me the most is timing, once again. One class was 30 minutes late (mind you, for a 45 minute class). To have to crush a 45 minute curriculum into 10-15 minutes is... exasperating. Again, Lord-willing, the teachers will be more on time next week. We can only wait and see.It's so nice to sit down at the end of the day and just............relax. To reflect on the day. What went well? What could have gone better?

This week we have 270 service campers that stay in our guest building. When they are released into our commons area.....it is nothing but a zoo. Tonight we had karaoke and ice cream. All I will say is, I could do without the Karaoke. Just like when the classes go away, it is peaceful and bliss when the service campers go to bedtime. That is...until the staff here break out how to have a damn good time ;) They can play a mean game of four square down here. Just being with these people and hanging out with the staff is great. I am so glad I decided to come here. I couldn't regret anything about this place. I enjoy having them as friends, roommates, colleagues, and also for some of them, mentors. I feel blessed to have been placed here and to have met so many great people. I'm really going to miss them after this summer. I know it, and its only been a couple weeks. Until then, good night.

6/18/10

Yesterday was great. I am so glad I decided to come home for the weekend!!!

I went down to Kalamazoo to see the ol' crew at work. It was so nice to see everyone! I'm excited to come back after the summer (as much as I am deeply in love with pittsburgh). Me and my friend Paula went to dinner at the Olive Garden. Who knew the olive garden was is the best place to stuff your face and catch up with old friends. Hmm. Nevertheless, we went to the mall where I discovered some stellar sunglasses, and with the impel of a great salesman, I got two.

Catching up with some good friends just chilling out and talking was a great night for me. It was even better to catch up with a friend I haven't talked to in a ....long time. It was a good time. I'm not sure why we didn't talk more often earlier on!

Today is going to be a nice relaxing day. I should work on the lesson plans I was supposed to have done thursday. Hoping tonight follows through, and if it does...I'm going to be very happy I came here this weekend (even more happy).

:)

Now...despite all this happiness I have the joy of experiencing, there is always something that tries to bring me down. And the fact is....at this point I am done dealing with it. In the past, I would try to reconcile and hide our shadows from the past. Not anymore. I can't keep dragging me feet in order to mend some things that will just go downhill in a few days. I really hate to say it, but I just really do not care for this type of behavior anymore. I have no sympathy. If things change (which would me miraculous) down the road, we can talk. But I need to have people in my life who are mature and who can work things out without freaking out. That said, I'm going to have an amazing day today. :)