08/31/10

"He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am the tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his weight and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

and how great Your affections are for me."

Isn't this true. Out of our blindness, we are truly eclipsed by His glory. When we least expect it, often. To me, its a mystery how He sometimes loves, and shows his affection. By the previous blogs, it's obvious to note the past couple days have been rough. Rough in thought. These thoughts were converted into prayers to Him. "My heart turns violently inside of my chest. And I don't have time to maintain these regrets....when I think about, the way." It's a great phenomenon of really how He loves us.

Today was great. His glory truly showed in today's work. Training today for KEYS was an open playground. Rather...it was more accurately a ropes course camp. Nevertheless, there was some "intense" team-building exercises. After airborne by the zip line, me and some pretty awesome people enjoyed dinner. Dinner was a success and following that was an entertaining game of Life. Oh if life was really that easy to play. Throw some pegs in your free car, pay off $40,000 in student loans like its nothing, get paid $90,000/year by luck, and happen to get thousands of dollars for going to a museum. Let alone...the whole retiring part of the game, a half hour after you get out of college. Wait....retirement? Will that even exist in 40 years?

I'm thankful. Thankful for changes, for new friends, new opportunities, laughs, prayers, and the works of God. I am going to continuously work on this journey (long...long... journey) to know God better and re-gain his trust. If I may say so myself...he's on a good track ;) Still, it's a work in progress, and always will be. But for the time being, I give thanks for the things that have happened, and the prayers from yinz. ;) Peace

08/29/10

"And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."

Isn't that the truth. True, we can't fight the tears that ain't coming. There's no point forcing ourselves to believe in something that we know won't come. I'm not saying something that isn't coming...but something that we tell ourselves, and ourselves only that it isn't coming. We don't tell others because of the fear---the fear that they will think you might be vulnerable, pathetic, or just plain crazy. And we just can't have that, can we?

True, we also can't fight the moment of the truth in our lies. Our lies happen and there's not much we can do about it. "The moment of the truth"---think about it. That moment is a second of speech we spit out that marinates in another person's head. There's no taking it back. We say what we say. Is it right? No, not at all. So why do we do it. Who knows. But I know one thing, we sure as hell cannot fight the moment of truth in those lies.

"When everything feels like the movies and you bleed just to know you're alive." Surely, none of us, hopefully, have to bleed ourselves to assure ourselves we are indeed alive. But it's a strong desire for most in extreme situations. In cases where we tell ourselves we can't handle this...we have to physically tell ourselves we ARE ALIVE! And its at that moment when we lay down to go to bed and think to ourselves... is this life--the life I want? And that answer is resolved by nobody but yourself.

Lately there has just been a lot of thinking going on. Not bad thinking, just about what I'm doing, what I've done, and what I'm going to do. So what am I doing.... well I'm pursuing to make a difference in the community. Recently, I've been sinking myself in thoughts overflowing out of my ears. I'm waist-deep in thoughts. What have I done? I've made mistakes, plenty of them. A chain and anvil of regret drag along wherever I go. I can live with it, because its the least I deserve. But what else I have done is what I can do right now--look back and be ashamed of it..and ask myself why I did those mistakes and how I can learn from it. Substance abusers often use this technique and ask themselves why they repeatedly used over and over and over. To everyone else, their reason means nothing, but to that one person who is listening, its the only thing they are hearing. What I'm going to do...is learn, live, listen, and respect. Because if there was a way for my voice to reach the past, I would whisper to those I've made mistakes upon and softly say "I'm made a mistake. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I haven't learned yet." And for me, I'm continuously asking God for courage.....and talking to someone else up in the sky for advice.

On a less doleful note, my first day of training for KEYS (again) is tomorrow. Yep.... Not much else to say about it. Am I excited?!?!... Hell no. But its mandatory and it's only a week. I haven't met anyone yet, but I don't mind too much right now. This thinking might be good...or obstructive... but either way, it's passing the time. haha.

8/28/10

Where is everyone?

It's my second day back in Pittsburgh. Not exactly how I pictured it. I guess sometimes we hype up for something for so long, that we find it far less than par when it actually happens. It's just another thing to learn from. Sure, things might get better--they always do, right? ... Right? Why can't I just have thought about this as being another day, in another state, doing another job? I think it's because I like change when it presents something better than what I had or something new that I know will be good for me. The problem I face thusly, is that it rarely lives up to what I expect. Surely, there is still the paychecks, the changing of the neighborhood, and being in a great city. But... I just don't feel like doing anything or being anywhere right now. It's one of those feelings where we all have said to ourselves "why can't I just run away to a random, different city where no one knows me and start all over?" Well... I did run off to a random city, where no one knew me. Did I start over? No. Yet, I still had a great summer, nevertheless. I think what my problem is right now is that no one is really here at the building right now. I really don't have a ton to do at this moment. There is no internet or television in my apartment. I hate sleeping alone in that apartment. I have no food. And I just miss people. A lot. I just need to grow up and wait to see what comes of this. That's all.

Everything is still overwhelming to me. I assured myself things will kick in and settle down once I arrive. Yet, there is still this uncomfortable, anxious, fatigue feeling. So many thoughts race through my mind. Am I going to be able to do good work? What does everyone expect from me? Do they think I can't do it because I'm so young? I don't know... sometimes I ask myself while falling asleep if I'm ever making the right decisions. I mean...what if I continued school and started an organization on campus? Wouldn't that be enough self-fullfilment? Why does the spawn of pessimism have to come to me so soon? I just got here :(

Well...one thing to look forward to is labor day week. From tuesday the 7th to saturday the 11th, 6 of us from The Project are going to Chicago for a Christian Community Development Association conference. It should be pretty fun. I like everyone I'm going with. It will be a nice change of pace for a little bit. Hopefully it will make things a bit better.

We can't expect things to be a certain way if we don't have direct control over them. We may have some influence on it, but ultimately, we cannot alter the fate of something. Sometimes we just need to let things run it's course. The beginning of the course can start out rocky and we may lose confidence in the guidance of events, but there is only 2 things you can do while rafting in a current---keep going until you reach a stop, or jump out and end the ride. One is easier. One is safer. I think for now, I'm going to go with the current....and let fate and God take me on whatever crazy adventure they take me to.

08/25/10 - - I'm Still Alive

My apologies for the lack of coverage in the life of Jeremy. Counting on my memory serving me right, I do believe the last blog was middle of July. The hands-down best summer of my life had passed by my eyes like a lightning bolt since then. Saying goodbye to the summer staff was an agonizing, distressful experience. I just didn't know how to balance out the emotions of sadness and happiness from all of the reminiscence racing through my mind. Like the saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over... Smile because it happened." That.... I have done.

My flight left the Steel City about 1 in the afternoon on August 10th. I kept the image of looking at the beautiful skyline in the rear view mirror with me, dear to my heart! Okay, Okay...I know I'm sounding like I'm never going back, but I do truly miss the city!

This summer has been amazing. I can't imagine what I would be doing should I have turned down this opportunity or even not apply for this. I am so grateful for what uncharted experiences I have been able to explore in such an amazing and lively city. I would give anything to do it all over again. My friends that I have made are irreplaceable and its them that I was able to pursue further into what I can truly do in Pittsburgh. Often, I would find myself asking how is it I am getting paid to have this much fun over the summer??? I will never be able to forget this summer. Perhaps one of the fondest memories I miss is singing my heart out with friends in the car. Getting lost. At night. Windows down. Yes...those were the times. I can still feel laying down on the grass, looking up at the wispy clouds reminiscing on times that put the biggest ear-to-ear smiles on our faces. How can I ever forget kayaking with the girls along the downtown skyline? Or how about going out to eat at midnight for half off menu. Or seeing a broadway performance of Hairspray for $14? It is surely safe to say that I have had the best summer of my life in Pittsburgh.

My time between my contracts in AmeriCorps here in Holland has been alright. I do wish I could have seen more people, but indefinitely thankful for those who I have had the chance to see. Time with the family has been good, but most definitely ready to go back to the city. I sure wish I could have spent the time in Michigan to really see more people, but I think I'll be able to do that on my breaks home now.

My job description manifesto is 16 pages. I'm working with some 12 collaborative non profit partners. Events will be organized by yours truly. I will be attending as many meetings and events as my biological clock will allow. The farm will still be calling my name, along with the local homeless shelter. Over the course of this madness I will establish a relationship with the community and build upon it. Most of all... I will (try to) not lose my sanity. Some might say this is overwhelming. Though I agree, I call this my future for the next year. I'm not trying to prematurely incorporate pessimism into my work, but I just can't stop thinking about how many different aspects go into this responsibility. I have this inevitable thought crawling through my brain telling me I'm not qualified enough for this position. Maybe I am...but how am I to follow up and live up to the expectations to the previous employee who actually established many partnerships within the city, made a neighborhood advisory board from scratch, and developed loving connections with this neighborhood? I know, it will take time. And it is welcoming and calming to hear some people say I have a wonderful community to back me up on whatever I do. And indeed, I do feel I have a great community to back me up and support me. Over the ephemeral summer in that neighborhood, I feel like I already made some starting relationships with program directors, members, children, and community volunteers, as well as amazing community residents with the biggest hearts and open arms you can imagine. I'd like to think the community in the neighborhood and the Pittsburgh Project community is enough to float me above the worries I bring with me. My hope is that with God's continual guidance, along with the Pittsburgh Project family, I will be able to believe in myself more. One of the things that came up on my end of the summer evaluation from the Project is to work on my self-confidence. There is no disagreeing here. I know this, and have known it for a while. But time will only tell what success may bring out of me. Am I excited for this next year? Hell yes. Nervous? Of course. Ready to make a change in a neighborhood that is calling for help, while representing AmeriCorps proudly? That...is what I am proud to do.