Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive."
Isn't that the truth. True, we can't fight the tears that ain't coming. There's no point forcing ourselves to believe in something that we know won't come. I'm not saying something that isn't coming...but something that we tell ourselves, and ourselves only that it isn't coming. We don't tell others because of the fear---the fear that they will think you might be vulnerable, pathetic, or just plain crazy. And we just can't have that, can we?
True, we also can't fight the moment of the truth in our lies. Our lies happen and there's not much we can do about it. "The moment of the truth"---think about it. That moment is a second of speech we spit out that marinates in another person's head. There's no taking it back. We say what we say. Is it right? No, not at all. So why do we do it. Who knows. But I know one thing, we sure as hell cannot fight the moment of truth in those lies.
"When everything feels like the movies and you bleed just to know you're alive." Surely, none of us, hopefully, have to bleed ourselves to assure ourselves we are indeed alive. But it's a strong desire for most in extreme situations. In cases where we tell ourselves we can't handle this...we have to physically tell ourselves we ARE ALIVE! And its at that moment when we lay down to go to bed and think to ourselves... is this life--the life I want? And that answer is resolved by nobody but yourself.
Lately there has just been a lot of thinking going on. Not bad thinking, just about what I'm doing, what I've done, and what I'm going to do. So what am I doing.... well I'm pursuing to make a difference in the community. Recently, I've been sinking myself in thoughts overflowing out of my ears. I'm waist-deep in thoughts. What have I done? I've made mistakes, plenty of them. A chain and anvil of regret drag along wherever I go. I can live with it, because its the least I deserve. But what else I have done is what I can do right now--look back and be ashamed of it..and ask myself why I did those mistakes and how I can learn from it. Substance abusers often use this technique and ask themselves why they repeatedly used over and over and over. To everyone else, their reason means nothing, but to that one person who is listening, its the only thing they are hearing. What I'm going to do...is learn, live, listen, and respect. Because if there was a way for my voice to reach the past, I would whisper to those I've made mistakes upon and softly say "I'm made a mistake. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I haven't learned yet." And for me, I'm continuously asking God for courage.....and talking to someone else up in the sky for advice.
On a less doleful note, my first day of training for KEYS (again) is tomorrow. Yep.... Not much else to say about it. Am I excited?!?!... Hell no. But its mandatory and it's only a week. I haven't met anyone yet, but I don't mind too much right now. This thinking might be good...or obstructive... but either way, it's passing the time. haha.
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