Written while listening to the following song.
Please take a few minutes to listen before reading. It will help you understand :)
It was some time ago when a colleague saw I was having frustrations. When I enlightened him about how my mother was on my mind all the time for all the wrong reasons, he looked me the eyes with interest, sat down and asked about it more in depth. My mother doesn't exactly have the best financial competence in her life right now and it has really taken a hit on her life and our family. Lately, I've felt as if what was left of not only our family but my relationship with my mother was slowly crumbling down, pebble by pebble and that there is no stopping to this eroding relationship. I think this particular staff member could see how confused, frustrated, angry, and lost I was when talking about this.
It wasn't until recently when I was listening to the above mentioned Brandon Heath song that I really took his lasting advice that he gave me before our conversation ended. "Forgive Her". How could I? I thought. She barely accepts my life and to this day I believe she still thinks it is a choice....which is a whole new blog I could get into. Anyway, I just have a hard time thinking of her as a mother in my life the past couple years. How can I forgive someone who has doesn't see me for me. How do I know she will receive this forgiveness and know who it is coming from...meaning I want her to see it is coming from her son, not this kid that she calls once every two months and sees a couple times a year.
"I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was"
I wish I could portray this message to her in such a delicate way to where she could really understand that I still am a little mad, but for bona fide reasons she will never understand. A little on the hurt side? Of course.
"I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was"
I actually think this might be the hardest concept to grasp, personally. The only "recent" photo I have with my mother is from graduation of High School. Before that, it was the occasional forced upon Christmas photo, by other family members. And I do have to laugh at those photos because she was right there...beside me. But I have to wonder...if she ever loved me for just who I was. I often find myself asking "I wonder if she ever did see past who I love and love me for who I am...or if she ever will."
"When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you"
I've found myself blaming a lot of the insecurity of my relationship with my mom on her. Maybe I should stop being so impervious to the fact that she tried? But did she try? What constitutes a real mother being a motherly figure in a child's life and the difference from that and being a biological mother? Most people are grateful to have both. I've struggled to see the first meaning. But I always find myself blaming her when I can't see her as a mother I can go to in hard times, use as a support system, someone who is interested in my life, and who legitimately is involved in my life to who I can look up to.
"I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was"
I'm sure why exactly I write about my frustrations with her and our relationship and not just confront her about it. Mostly because I know she won't understand. "How do you know that until you actually try", you may ask. I would say "because I've tried too many times to have faith that this time would be any different." But maybe I keep a small part of my heart to believe that I do want this love from her, still. She's not the best mom in the world, but she is my only mom. And for that, I want to be able to have a real mother-son love while I'm still alive, and she is too. I've changed....I just wish she did.
"Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about"
It's true. I've learned so much about being a Christian here in Pittsburgh at my site. And the concept of grace is so simple but so complex. It's one of those things that when put in a different perspective, said in a different way, said by someone else, you think "oh....duh."
And just maybe...that is what love is all about. Giving grace out and forgiving. Everyone has a chance to give out grace and it truly is an amazing thing to grasp and understand. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to really grab this concept by the horns and give out this grace to my mother and call it good. I realize that's not how it really goes, but it's the idea of giving her my grace combined with the fear of her not even realizing what I'm trying to do.
Point is, I have changed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, I have change so much in so many different facets; professionally, socially, personally, and as a Christian. I'm definitely not who I was. I pray to God on my trembling knees that my mom will someday realize I'm not who I was and that I am a growing, changing person and just love me for who I am, whatever that is! I have come so far in life in such a short time at a young age. I have accomplished so much in my life that I am proud of and have encountered life situations that no one should go through before the age of 21. But the point is, sure, I've gone through all of that and accomplished so much, but it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to not have the love of a mother there to support me the whole way though. When I get an award or get the privilege to be apart of something great and get recognized for something, there is always a small part in the back of my mind, while smiling, that thinks I wish my mom could see me now. It's not that she can't see me now because of distance. 500 miles seems like a long distance but it's not the distance that is keeping her from seeing me who I am now. It's her eyes, her thoughts, her emotions, her heart that can't seem to see me.
In the meantime, I will continue to develop myself into someone who will be able to look back and say I've come a very long way in life. I've done it with little support. I'm proud of myself... and I wish you will be too someday.
Love You Mom.
Please do the same.
