Ah, the years of a 20something life. Most would kill to go back (or fast forward) to these roaring 20s in life. Reaching emotional puberty is not all it's cracked up to be. Hell, I've pretty much gone through emotional puberty before physical puberty. Okay...this is getting too personal. Point is, so many people strive to relive their 20's and wish they could have done that, or did this, or drank more alcohol. I think the key to prevent this while you are in your 20s is to write a great book. You don't have to be a pulitzer prize author to write a book....because every single person does this. Whether you want to write it or read it later or not, it doesn't matter. You are writing your own book. Some will write a satire, some will write poems after poems after deep, reflective, poem. And some will doodle and draw cartoons. But the whole point is not that if you write a book you won't emotionally punish yourself for missing those years that you've "lost". No, the main point is to have chapters in that book. No one wants to read a book that is one big long chapter. That's boring. And stupid. And you have no idea where it's going...or what the point is....and well, it all just blurs together. Think about if you just read a 300 page book with no chapters. Just 300 pages. How about a book with 300 pages, 12 chapters, about 25 pages apart. More feasible, yes? More interesting.
I think the way this works is if you look back on your life and are able to see distinct chapters in your life, it's easier to grasp what you've gone through and exactly what the story of your life is. I could give examples of my life, but frankly I'm sure it wouldn't be terribly interesting...
The past 13 months at the Pittsburgh Project have been a once in a lifetime experience. Follow these blogs, dating back to May 20, 2010, and you will see. I'm not sure how I deserved such an amazing opportunity with such a phenomenal staff. When I discuss my service with fellow members, I sometimes see this jealously like "damn...why couldn't I do that?" Perhaps this was all part of God's plan to bring me back closer to Him. Maybe this was the detour that I needed from my vastly distant life from God that helped me to bring my face closer to His...and most of all to want to see His face, and his glory, and the amazing miracles that He has in store for me. If this is the beginning of what is to come (as it always is), I'm almost frightened to see what good things He has in store for me.
I've learned an overabundance of new skills that would never have even crossed my mind a year ago. Community organizing? Forget that. Teaching class? No..that's why I'm not an education major. Networking? I can't even keep track of friends...let alone important people with little pieces of (nice, strong) paper with their name and phone number written on it. Hey I got one too! Donation gleaning? You would have lost me at "donation". I'm terrified to argue about something that was supposed to be "on sale" at the register...how was I supposed to ask someone to give hundreds of dollars of free stuff to me?
When The Pittsburgh Project first offered me free housing and a 2 minute walk commute, I answered as any 21 year old AmeriCorps member living under poverty would say.... "YEAH!" That euphoric, but all too naive, attitude quickly faded when nights of anonymous and creepy doorbell ringing, shots firing, and neighbors blaring their music (and conversations) as if they were aiming for the entire zip code to hear them. It's been an adventure for sure. But oh am I ready to go live in...uh....what's that ....that....those ....not apartments....but....HOUSE! Yes, a house. I will be living in a HOUSE this fall! Praise the Lord!!!
How about 'em kids! Oh what can I say about them. I'm not sure what it was that gave them the ability to believe in me so much as if I knew what I was talking about. I suppose they really thought I knew my stuff and believed I could do the job. If only everyone I applied for a job had the same attitude. . . . Anyway, I'll never forget the kids...I'm not sure if it's possible. I've gotten more hugs than a Northside birthday party (1,000 bonus points if you got that joke/play on words). I've had students come up to me for advice on bullying at school, then crying to me as I tell them "It Gets Better." I've broken up fights...by that same kid who cried to me. I've had middle school girls who never gave me a millisecond of their respect and time, and (perhaps rightfully so) told me to my face I shouldn't be here. I learned that you don't need much hair to "whip yo haya". I also learned never to try and duggie when 2nd graders are trying to teach you. You look like a fool! (even if you practice at home).
My kids in my afterschool ecology class reinforced one particular rule that I haven't heard since elementary school. And really, this never did resinate with myself and what it really means. How many of you have heard the term "leave it better than you found"? . . . . Okay, most of you.
Mark, my supervisor, and the kids had this chant about it and it really didn't hit me until my last day today. It's not about leaving the classroom or the garden better than when you arrived.
Here, I thought of two main things:
1 - Have I left The Pittsburgh Project better than when I found it? My first thought was, no, it hasn't changed. I say this in light of the operations and happenings of the program does not change because of me. I feel like I have changed some things while doing my service, but after I leave, those things will go back to the same as when I first arrived. This, I think many can agree, goes back to my own personal issue of maybe not giving myself enough credit. That's another story.
2 - Will I leave this earth better than when I found it? Have I been following God's word to leave this earth better than when I arrived? Psalm 92:14 says "They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green." In other words, before passing on, make sure you pass it on by leaving a legacy.
Have I left a legacy at The Pittsburgh Project? Ehhh....I wouldn't say so much. But I have yet to leave a legacy on this earth. Yet, this is just one example of how my kids have really taught me so much more than I ever thought I could teach them.
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Well gosh darnnit, they have been! And is it a coincidence that I have certainly committed to the Lord? Ooooooooo.
13 months is a long time. It's time to make friends, develop relationships, learn life skills, learn social skills, grow closer with God, and it's a good time to write a chapter in your life you will never lose sight of. Many of the people I have met and/or worked with will forever be tattooed on my heart. I would do insane things for these people, because they weren't just amazing people I've met and got to know...they are my family...my Pittsburgh family. I was new and uncertain of my faith when I walked through the doors of The Pittsburgh Project some 13 months ago. The thing was, they looked passed that. They looked deep into me and embraced me with open arms and genuine smiles. I felt at home. I felt at ease. It just felt right. This is who I am, and they love me for it. For the longest time, I've had a hard time finding this feeling in my own biological family. This is who I am, and I may not even know completely who I am or what that means, but it was okay to The Pittsburgh Project. When I realized this, I wanted to cry...not because I was sad or happy...because it was a feeling like I was Sisyphus for the longest time(punishment part, not killing others part). And this Sisyphus feeling was relieved. I didn't need to be punished for who I am anymore. My roots that I've developed here in Pittsburgh have constantly and continually been intertwining within the people at The Pittsburgh Project. I've grown so close with some of them, and it hurts me to have to leave. At the very end of my last day was staff worshiping. There was a phrase that made me get goosebumps that traveled from my neck, down my spine, to the tips of all my fingers.
We must go, live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward, keep us from just singing
Move us into action
Wow... I'm ready. It's finally hit me that yes, I am done and ready to close this chapter. Rejoice in what has happened and all the glorious things I was able to write in this chapter in my book. It's time for the next chapter to begin. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for closure of what you don't want to let go, and Prepare yourself for the unknown of what there is to come. I must go, and I must continue to serve in this city, for God. Lord, keep me from just singing (and forgive my horrible singing voice), and move me into action, for you, for me, for the city.
I'm Ready.
