It's my second day back in Pittsburgh. Not exactly how I pictured it. I guess sometimes we hype up for something for so long, that we find it far less than par when it actually happens. It's just another thing to learn from. Sure, things might get better--they always do, right? ... Right? Why can't I just have thought about this as being another day, in another state, doing another job? I think it's because I like change when it presents something better than what I had or something new that I know will be good for me. The problem I face thusly, is that it rarely lives up to what I expect. Surely, there is still the paychecks, the changing of the neighborhood, and being in a great city. But... I just don't feel like doing anything or being anywhere right now. It's one of those feelings where we all have said to ourselves "why can't I just run away to a random, different city where no one knows me and start all over?" Well... I did run off to a random city, where no one knew me. Did I start over? No. Yet, I still had a great summer, nevertheless. I think what my problem is right now is that no one is really here at the building right now. I really don't have a ton to do at this moment. There is no internet or television in my apartment. I hate sleeping alone in that apartment. I have no food. And I just miss people. A lot. I just need to grow up and wait to see what comes of this. That's all.
Everything is still overwhelming to me. I assured myself things will kick in and settle down once I arrive. Yet, there is still this uncomfortable, anxious, fatigue feeling. So many thoughts race through my mind. Am I going to be able to do good work? What does everyone expect from me? Do they think I can't do it because I'm so young? I don't know... sometimes I ask myself while falling asleep if I'm ever making the right decisions. I mean...what if I continued school and started an organization on campus? Wouldn't that be enough self-fullfilment? Why does the spawn of pessimism have to come to me so soon? I just got here :(
Well...one thing to look forward to is labor day week. From tuesday the 7th to saturday the 11th, 6 of us from The Project are going to Chicago for a Christian Community Development Association conference. It should be pretty fun. I like everyone I'm going with. It will be a nice change of pace for a little bit. Hopefully it will make things a bit better.
We can't expect things to be a certain way if we don't have direct control over them. We may have some influence on it, but ultimately, we cannot alter the fate of something. Sometimes we just need to let things run it's course. The beginning of the course can start out rocky and we may lose confidence in the guidance of events, but there is only 2 things you can do while rafting in a current---keep going until you reach a stop, or jump out and end the ride. One is easier. One is safer. I think for now, I'm going to go with the current....and let fate and God take me on whatever crazy adventure they take me to.
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