But, today and yesterday were pretty rough days. I wish I could say it was just because of the heat, because trust me, it definitely made working outside brutal. But, in reality, its something much more than the heat wave. Something has been bogging on me for a little bit.
Yesterday a couple friends here at the Project asked if I wanted to go star gazing at night. I thought that sounded like such a good time. And I was excited to go. As we were on our way... a sea of emotions came over me. I was getting drowned....fast. Where did these emotions come from and why now? Regardless, we went on the car ride but the others definitely knew something was up. I wasn't myself. But I was tryin to think about why I feel like this now. We finally found a pretty great place with yet another one of Pittsburgh's picturesque views. there were some nice hills that we walked up to. A blanket was laid down, the mosquitos were lively (and hungry), and we laid down to star gaze. Just that moment, I realized what it was.
I love star gazing. It is such a nice and relaxing thing to do at night. It also helps that you have an amazing view of the city once you sit up. I realized what it was. It was Shane. This was our favorite past-time together. Yeah I know...it's been about 3 years since his death, but we had so much together. In a previous post I mentioned I try to communicate with him by looking up at the sky and talking to him, and asking for his advice. What people don't know is....I never get advice from him. But it never stops me from talking to him. And....it sucks. It really does. I hate everything about not having him anymore. I just hate it. This is what made me go away from God. I just hated everything.... It was just harder than I thought it would be star gazing because..................... it was the first time I've gone star gazing with someone else since ... he died. I enjoyed the view and star gazing, it was just.... beating my inside and my head. It's times like these where I let myself think about how horrible I feel about it all. What do I hate the most? Not being able to say goodbye...alive. To not see his emotion, his eyes, feel his heart, see his smile, feel his touch....its heart-wrenching to even write about it now. It really is. It just fucking sucks. There was a lot of reflecting going on today when I wasn't busy.
But tomorrow is a new day. I need to keep looking forward and burning the bridges. It needs to happen. And it will..sometime. Tomorrow is a new beginning and I will make the best of it. I have a good support system here and at home. I will make it. It sucks so bad. It does. But, as much of a part of my life it still is, I am having an amazing summer :)
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