11/2/10

There there baby

It's just text book stuff

It's in the ABC of growing up

Now now darling,

Oh don't kill yourself

Cause none of us were angels

And you know I love You, yeah.

Loose ends never have a good place in any kind of relationship. True, they are avoidable, but we are always told to learn from our mistakes. It's all part of growing up. I myself, have come to learn much from many mistakes, from myself and from other's mistakes. Rarely have had I had comfort of talking to someone so in depth about serious loose ends in life to where I feel acceptably placid. It's ok though. This is how I learn in life. I (try to) accept what has happened, I (try t0) see where it went wrong, and realize indeed, none of us were angels.

"Time heals all scars." Will they? There are some scars so deep that when we got them, we didn't even feel it until later. These scars may very well never "heal". Visibly, sure they may look healed. Time can heal scars, but what heals the pain? This is never easy to think about. Sadly, things just happen, and a lot of the times we are blinded by the outcome. I don't like it. But it's life.

What does it do for us when we stop something that is hurting us as much as it's giving us pleasure? It's easy to discern that we are cutting ourselves off from getting hurt anymore than what we have already endured. However, we are humans and we have to ask ourselves "is this worth it?" Of course it is. In the long run, we have to believe that this is going to do better for ourselves. So let's go to hell, and see if we can rebound back, granted that we actually learn something by putting ourselves through the trip. It's not going to be easy. I hate this so much. Where do I stand when I have a semi-supportive group here, and less than adequate supportive group back home? Some will be quick to tell me.. "well, stand with God of course!" This might be an answer, but I've struggled to get to this point where I should already have this in my head before I ask that question. What do you do when you have the biggest support in your life taken out from under you. I'm struggling to stand now. I can't balance without a support that was built so dear into my life. I'd like to think I'm going to get it back some day, sometime.

What sucks the most is the person I need to talk to the most to help get me through this, is the one I can't talk to. How long will I clench this bottle, staring at the phone and deleting all the messages I fail to send.

I'll wait.