I've done so much thinking while here in Pittsburgh. Am I happy here? I'm not sure I can give a safe answer. Sure, I love what I am doing for the kids and such. There have been some events that have happened while I am here that...... well..... I'm not sure how to explain them without going into detail. When I came here to Pittsburgh, I decided to start a new chapter in my life. I am so proud of myself for doing this. It was the hardest move I have had to make in my life, not only physically but in terms of moving on to bigger things. With this chapter, I tried so desperately to hold onto some pages I did not want to let go of. I held these pages close and dear to my heart. Of course, these pages are only symbolic and not literal, yet they support a good analogy. Anyway, there are times when i would lay on the grass out here. I would lay down and look at the stars in the sky. In the past, this was a great past time. For now...it was a way of reaching out. I never really talked to anyone about this....and I'm not sure why I am choosing to share this with basically anyone...but I feel this is my blog....this is my raw emotions.... and I'm going to let them free. As I was saying..I would lay down in the grass, gazing into the stars. Do you know why? The reason is probably not what you think. Because not only was I just gazing into the night sky. No...I was holding these pages close to my heart, while trying not to use them as tissue, for the tears in my eyes, in which would carefully run down my cheeks. Why was I crying. The stars are beautiful. It should not be a surprise that my faith is little to none right now. In which case, I look to the sky for answers.... I look there because I know someone is up there that loves me, and the one person who understood me unconditionally .... is no longer here to wipe my tears... so I just hope......I just....I just hope to God that that person is up there looking down on me. And at these times when I feel so lost and so disconnected from God, I turn to that person who always understood me. It makes me so... emotionally vulnerable to realize that person is not here with me anywhere. Sometimes when I look into the sky so much, I will roll my head over to the side.... only to break my own heart because I don't see that person laying beside me. Though this person is dead and cannot possibly physically be here for me.... I sometimes make myself believe I am looking at them through the night stars...
As far as these pages I tried so hard to keep.... I had to find that I had to let these pages go. It was just about the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I've had to do some heartbreaking things in my life...but this one tops most. Sometimes the best thing is often the hardest thing to accomplish. For now, I have tucked these pages away until I am ready to look at them again. Down the road, I would like to take them back out and see what I can reconcile of them. Hopefully, I will be able to iron out the wrinkles enough to read them again.
Until then, I hope these nights of laying down on the crisp, moist grass, looking deeply beyond the stars in the black night sky, I will find some answer and comfort....
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