7/31/11

I'm moving to Squirrel Hill tomorrow.

I'm sitting here with the sun baking down on the living room, boxes filled, walls and shelves bare. I'm just about finished, and it took me almost all day to fill 5 boxes and 2 suitcases. Clearly, I hate moving. I think it is more than just "moving". I've never been too receptive to change in life. I've gone through a lot of change in the past couple years....huge life-decision changes, but is it safe to say that everyone hates change? Almost every big even that has happened in my life the last couple years, I've hated the change at first, and was persistent this isn't what I wanted to do, and had to have some of my best friends convince me I am doing great things and that this is purely just another simple freak episode I'm acting up. Tis true....what would I do without yinz.

Deciding to move to Pittsburgh for 3 months, summer 2010: Convinced myself that I made a huge mistake and felt as if I was thrown in the fire....a huge, dark, hellish pit of fire. Oh how close I was to clicking "Book Now" on that Expedia page for a plane ticket home, a week in. Again, I had the best of friends tell me this will be a good experience, and that everything will be okay. They were right. Surprise.

Deciding to extend my AmeriCorps contract for another 10 months and take a year off from school: After months of stupid deliberation and back and forth between this huge, huge, huge decision, I still told myself I'm making a mistake. Again, my friends stepped in when I needed them the most, just when I thought I was so alone. At this point...I'm thinking my friends (most of whom were supporting me from Michigan) aren't that bad ;)

Deciding to go to University of Pittsburgh and call this City my Home: If there was one point in my recent years that I've doubted myself the most, this is it. I felt it was almost a taboo when I was sending in my application for admission to the University of Pittsburgh. Yet, there was something, or someone, that convinced me this is actually just the path that was set out for me.

You can resist all you want, but our lives have a pre-determined path for us. It may be buried under some dirt and we can't really see where this path is going, often where our path is going 2 feet in front of us. Trust me, I've felt as if I was just being a badass rebel and going on my own path. To the best of my understanding....I feel like this is somehow the path that I was always meant to go to. Never did in my life did I imagine I would even visit Pittsburgh, let alone live, work, and study here. I think any of you reading this know already that I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason. This is no exception.

Think back to high school english literature class. Remember that crazy homosexual poet Ralph Emerson? Yeah, that crazy one. He said "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave the trail." Okay, so, I'm an advocate of going through life to your own path and whatever, but keep in mind, the trail you've seen ahead of you may not be the path that you will follow. Things happen in our life...BIG things (moving, death, breakups, etc.) and they happen for a reason. Imagine you are walking down this beautiful trail and a tree fall---wait, make that 3 trees fall in front of you. You're screwed right (considering you are still alive)? You can't go that way...even though you really really wanted to and that was your plan from the start. Now what....go back? N0, silly. Find an alternate route. Granted, when something so tragic stops us in our life journey, sometimes we do go back and that becomes part of grieving...ugh that's another story. Anyway, so you find an alternate route. It's all part of the end plan. Only the Lord Almighty knows exactly what we are doing in every obstacle we face and how we face it....even in the times where we have no idea what to do and seem to be standing very still in place.

I think the objective I'm trying to get out of my system, is that tomorrow starts another, small, change in my life. Nothing major, but it all reminds me of the other changes I've made in my life and how receptive I've been. I"m okay moving. Hell, I'm f 'ing excited! This is going to be a big difference: No shootings, safe streets, walking distance to everything needed in life to survive (including Silk Elephant Thai restaurant), and close to school. I tell everyone I'm not going to miss the North Side. Who am I kidding. These gangs have been my neighbors, of course I'll miss them.....

Yesterday one of the community members that I've talked with and gotten to know while working at the Pgh Project put on a Saturday flea market. I was so proud of her. It was a great hit! She did it all by herself and I couldn't be more happy that some people are actually taking something positive away from it all ("it all" being my work with them). She even told me yesterday "You remember when you first introduced yourself to the NAB? I was thinking in my head 'oh hellllllll no. Him? Him?! Really?!' but now I'm going to miss you so much and am so glad you were here and sad that what you were doing isn't going to keep happening. I want to pick up where you left off. I want to do what you tried to do for this community."

That....is worth all the tears and frustrations I've had in the past year. It is worth all the community meetings that I've been stood up for.

I'm excited to move. It's going to be great. I will miss some people here on the North Side. I'll miss my Pittsburgh Project family---the first group of people who welcomed me into this City with open arms to make me feel relaxed as can be, and who will always have some place in my heart for how accommodating and caring they were.

Well... Farewell North Side. You've challenged me in so many ways, and scared the hell out of me. I want to come back in a couple of years and see things change. Because let's face it...there is a path for this community, as there is a path for me. Let's see where it goes!

6/29/11

And so this concludes this chapter in what some call "Life".

Ah, the years of a 20something life. Most would kill to go back (or fast forward) to these roaring 20s in life. Reaching emotional puberty is not all it's cracked up to be. Hell, I've pretty much gone through emotional puberty before physical puberty. Okay...this is getting too personal. Point is, so many people strive to relive their 20's and wish they could have done that, or did this, or drank more alcohol. I think the key to prevent this while you are in your 20s is to write a great book. You don't have to be a pulitzer prize author to write a book....because every single person does this. Whether you want to write it or read it later or not, it doesn't matter. You are writing your own book. Some will write a satire, some will write poems after poems after deep, reflective, poem. And some will doodle and draw cartoons. But the whole point is not that if you write a book you won't emotionally punish yourself for missing those years that you've "lost". No, the main point is to have chapters in that book. No one wants to read a book that is one big long chapter. That's boring. And stupid. And you have no idea where it's going...or what the point is....and well, it all just blurs together. Think about if you just read a 300 page book with no chapters. Just 300 pages. How about a book with 300 pages, 12 chapters, about 25 pages apart. More feasible, yes? More interesting.

I think the way this works is if you look back on your life and are able to see distinct chapters in your life, it's easier to grasp what you've gone through and exactly what the story of your life is. I could give examples of my life, but frankly I'm sure it wouldn't be terribly interesting...

The past 13 months at the Pittsburgh Project have been a once in a lifetime experience. Follow these blogs, dating back to May 20, 2010, and you will see. I'm not sure how I deserved such an amazing opportunity with such a phenomenal staff. When I discuss my service with fellow members, I sometimes see this jealously like "damn...why couldn't I do that?" Perhaps this was all part of God's plan to bring me back closer to Him. Maybe this was the detour that I needed from my vastly distant life from God that helped me to bring my face closer to His...and most of all to want to see His face, and his glory, and the amazing miracles that He has in store for me. If this is the beginning of what is to come (as it always is), I'm almost frightened to see what good things He has in store for me.

I've learned an overabundance of new skills that would never have even crossed my mind a year ago. Community organizing? Forget that. Teaching class? No..that's why I'm not an education major. Networking? I can't even keep track of friends...let alone important people with little pieces of (nice, strong) paper with their name and phone number written on it. Hey I got one too! Donation gleaning? You would have lost me at "donation". I'm terrified to argue about something that was supposed to be "on sale" at the register...how was I supposed to ask someone to give hundreds of dollars of free stuff to me?

When The Pittsburgh Project first offered me free housing and a 2 minute walk commute, I answered as any 21 year old AmeriCorps member living under poverty would say.... "YEAH!" That euphoric, but all too naive, attitude quickly faded when nights of anonymous and creepy doorbell ringing, shots firing, and neighbors blaring their music (and conversations) as if they were aiming for the entire zip code to hear them. It's been an adventure for sure. But oh am I ready to go live in...uh....what's that ....that....those ....not apartments....but....HOUSE! Yes, a house. I will be living in a HOUSE this fall! Praise the Lord!!!

How about 'em kids! Oh what can I say about them. I'm not sure what it was that gave them the ability to believe in me so much as if I knew what I was talking about. I suppose they really thought I knew my stuff and believed I could do the job. If only everyone I applied for a job had the same attitude. . . . Anyway, I'll never forget the kids...I'm not sure if it's possible. I've gotten more hugs than a Northside birthday party (1,000 bonus points if you got that joke/play on words). I've had students come up to me for advice on bullying at school, then crying to me as I tell them "It Gets Better." I've broken up fights...by that same kid who cried to me. I've had middle school girls who never gave me a millisecond of their respect and time, and (perhaps rightfully so) told me to my face I shouldn't be here. I learned that you don't need much hair to "whip yo haya". I also learned never to try and duggie when 2nd graders are trying to teach you. You look like a fool! (even if you practice at home).

My kids in my afterschool ecology class reinforced one particular rule that I haven't heard since elementary school. And really, this never did resinate with myself and what it really means. How many of you have heard the term "leave it better than you found"? . . . . Okay, most of you.

Mark, my supervisor, and the kids had this chant about it and it really didn't hit me until my last day today. It's not about leaving the classroom or the garden better than when you arrived.

Here, I thought of two main things:

1 - Have I left The Pittsburgh Project better than when I found it? My first thought was, no, it hasn't changed. I say this in light of the operations and happenings of the program does not change because of me. I feel like I have changed some things while doing my service, but after I leave, those things will go back to the same as when I first arrived. This, I think many can agree, goes back to my own personal issue of maybe not giving myself enough credit. That's another story.

2 - Will I leave this earth better than when I found it? Have I been following God's word to leave this earth better than when I arrived? Psalm 92:14 says "They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green." In other words, before passing on, make sure you pass it on by leaving a legacy.

Have I left a legacy at The Pittsburgh Project? Ehhh....I wouldn't say so much. But I have yet to leave a legacy on this earth. Yet, this is just one example of how my kids have really taught me so much more than I ever thought I could teach them.

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Well gosh darnnit, they have been! And is it a coincidence that I have certainly committed to the Lord? Ooooooooo.

13 months is a long time. It's time to make friends, develop relationships, learn life skills, learn social skills, grow closer with God, and it's a good time to write a chapter in your life you will never lose sight of. Many of the people I have met and/or worked with will forever be tattooed on my heart. I would do insane things for these people, because they weren't just amazing people I've met and got to know...they are my family...my Pittsburgh family. I was new and uncertain of my faith when I walked through the doors of The Pittsburgh Project some 13 months ago. The thing was, they looked passed that. They looked deep into me and embraced me with open arms and genuine smiles. I felt at home. I felt at ease. It just felt right. This is who I am, and they love me for it. For the longest time, I've had a hard time finding this feeling in my own biological family. This is who I am, and I may not even know completely who I am or what that means, but it was okay to The Pittsburgh Project. When I realized this, I wanted to cry...not because I was sad or happy...because it was a feeling like I was Sisyphus for the longest time(punishment part, not killing others part). And this Sisyphus feeling was relieved. I didn't need to be punished for who I am anymore. My roots that I've developed here in Pittsburgh have constantly and continually been intertwining within the people at The Pittsburgh Project. I've grown so close with some of them, and it hurts me to have to leave. At the very end of my last day was staff worshiping. There was a phrase that made me get goosebumps that traveled from my neck, down my spine, to the tips of all my fingers.

We must go, live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward, keep us from just singing

Move us into action

Wow... I'm ready. It's finally hit me that yes, I am done and ready to close this chapter. Rejoice in what has happened and all the glorious things I was able to write in this chapter in my book. It's time for the next chapter to begin. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for closure of what you don't want to let go, and Prepare yourself for the unknown of what there is to come. I must go, and I must continue to serve in this city, for God. Lord, keep me from just singing (and forgive my horrible singing voice), and move me into action, for you, for me, for the city.

I'm Ready.

5/28/11 -- I'm Not Who I Was

Written while listening to the following song.

Please take a few minutes to listen before reading. It will help you understand :)

It was some time ago when a colleague saw I was having frustrations. When I enlightened him about how my mother was on my mind all the time for all the wrong reasons, he looked me the eyes with interest, sat down and asked about it more in depth. My mother doesn't exactly have the best financial competence in her life right now and it has really taken a hit on her life and our family. Lately, I've felt as if what was left of not only our family but my relationship with my mother was slowly crumbling down, pebble by pebble and that there is no stopping to this eroding relationship. I think this particular staff member could see how confused, frustrated, angry, and lost I was when talking about this.

It wasn't until recently when I was listening to the above mentioned Brandon Heath song that I really took his lasting advice that he gave me before our conversation ended. "Forgive Her". How could I? I thought. She barely accepts my life and to this day I believe she still thinks it is a choice....which is a whole new blog I could get into. Anyway, I just have a hard time thinking of her as a mother in my life the past couple years. How can I forgive someone who has doesn't see me for me. How do I know she will receive this forgiveness and know who it is coming from...meaning I want her to see it is coming from her son, not this kid that she calls once every two months and sees a couple times a year.

"I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I'm not who I was"

I wish I could portray this message to her in such a delicate way to where she could really understand that I still am a little mad, but for bona fide reasons she will never understand. A little on the hurt side? Of course.

"I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was"

I actually think this might be the hardest concept to grasp, personally. The only "recent" photo I have with my mother is from graduation of High School. Before that, it was the occasional forced upon Christmas photo, by other family members. And I do have to laugh at those photos because she was right there...beside me. But I have to wonder...if she ever loved me for just who I was. I often find myself asking "I wonder if she ever did see past who I love and love me for who I am...or if she ever will."

"When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you"

I've found myself blaming a lot of the insecurity of my relationship with my mom on her. Maybe I should stop being so impervious to the fact that she tried? But did she try? What constitutes a real mother being a motherly figure in a child's life and the difference from that and being a biological mother? Most people are grateful to have both. I've struggled to see the first meaning. But I always find myself blaming her when I can't see her as a mother I can go to in hard times, use as a support system, someone who is interested in my life, and who legitimately is involved in my life to who I can look up to.

"I write about love and such

Maybe 'cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was"

I'm sure why exactly I write about my frustrations with her and our relationship and not just confront her about it. Mostly because I know she won't understand. "How do you know that until you actually try", you may ask. I would say "because I've tried too many times to have faith that this time would be any different." But maybe I keep a small part of my heart to believe that I do want this love from her, still. She's not the best mom in the world, but she is my only mom. And for that, I want to be able to have a real mother-son love while I'm still alive, and she is too. I've changed....I just wish she did.

"Well the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to give it out

Maybe that's what love is all about"

It's true. I've learned so much about being a Christian here in Pittsburgh at my site. And the concept of grace is so simple but so complex. It's one of those things that when put in a different perspective, said in a different way, said by someone else, you think "oh....duh."

And just maybe...that is what love is all about. Giving grace out and forgiving. Everyone has a chance to give out grace and it truly is an amazing thing to grasp and understand. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to really grab this concept by the horns and give out this grace to my mother and call it good. I realize that's not how it really goes, but it's the idea of giving her my grace combined with the fear of her not even realizing what I'm trying to do.

Point is, I have changed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, I have change so much in so many different facets; professionally, socially, personally, and as a Christian. I'm definitely not who I was. I pray to God on my trembling knees that my mom will someday realize I'm not who I was and that I am a growing, changing person and just love me for who I am, whatever that is! I have come so far in life in such a short time at a young age. I have accomplished so much in my life that I am proud of and have encountered life situations that no one should go through before the age of 21. But the point is, sure, I've gone through all of that and accomplished so much, but it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to not have the love of a mother there to support me the whole way though. When I get an award or get the privilege to be apart of something great and get recognized for something, there is always a small part in the back of my mind, while smiling, that thinks I wish my mom could see me now. It's not that she can't see me now because of distance. 500 miles seems like a long distance but it's not the distance that is keeping her from seeing me who I am now. It's her eyes, her thoughts, her emotions, her heart that can't seem to see me.

In the meantime, I will continue to develop myself into someone who will be able to look back and say I've come a very long way in life. I've done it with little support. I'm proud of myself... and I wish you will be too someday.

Love You Mom.

Please do the same.

3/28/11

"But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" Matthew 5:39

Today I had to break up a fight. I really hate doing this. As I told them to line up outside, one kid (we'll name him A) was pushing another kid (he shall be named Z). It's nothing new, so I said "stop.." and before I could muster out "..you fools!", they were already striking each other. Immediately, a teacher's aid got ahold of Z and I sprinted to get ahold of A. Another kid, M, was spewing fuel on the fire by calling both A and Z names...I'm pretty sure it was just fun. I mean, if you were 10 and saw a fire, wouldn't it be a little fun to add some gasoline to it?

Anyway, we managed to isolate the two (no easy task by any means) "A" and I had a little chat. I wanted to ask him how he developed so much anger and became so hostile within one simple fight from pushing. There had to be something underneath it. Something has been brushed under the rug too much....and it's beginning to show. Understandably, he refused to share any information with me. After all, I'm not his real teacher anyway. After some probing questions, he told me the more fights he gets in the more angry he gets. He also wanted to tell me that "you win some, you lose some". Really? This can't be the attitude that is being transferred on to the youth. But it is. I asked him where he heard that from and somewhat surprisingly he said his mom. He said that he can't lose any more battles... or he "won't be king."

I don't know his whole story, but I do know enough to know that there is little fatherness in the home and all uncles are in jail. This kid was just suspended from school last week for fighting and now is getting suspended from this program for fighting. There obviously is no initiative at home to fix this behavior...in fact, I will go far enough to say that the home environment fosters the behavior. The school has no interest to find the root of the problems. Why would they...they have hundreds of other students to deal with. Someone needs to invest in this child. Yes, he started a fight today. But what if no one shows him someone cares. When will the next fight occur? When will he finally just lose it because no one was there to listen to him and do something much worse than fighting someone? I can't even count the number of times this kid said "I'm going to kill him" with so....so....so much passion behind his voice. I tried to look him in the eyes, but I couldn't see him. I only saw the eyes of someone who has taken over this child. It wasn't the eyes of the "A" that I know. Something has swallowed up this kid when he gets angry. It's not normal. So if not me, who will take interest in him? Who will invest in this kid when everyone else punishes him and puts him to the side, to deal with the next kid? I just don't know what to do. I want to connect with him and show him the glory of God and see if he has ever picked up a bible.

Many people seem to bypass the verse in the beginning because they seem to imply that we are to just allow people to beat the tar out of us and not resist the physical violence and injury that others put upon us. But that's not it! That's the thing. How do I come across this child and teach the words of Jesus Christ when so many people think "turn the other cheek" just means turning your cheek to get beat even more. God does not give us commands that are impossible to obey. It is so incredibly easy for us to think something God says is impossible to obey. I admit, none of us are great followers of His words. He certainly gives us ones that are difficult and challenges us. Yet, He never gives us ones that are impossible.

All too often, as a new born-again Christian, it's hard for me to concentrate on biblical readings in staff meetings. Not because I'm distracted by the guy doing crossword next to me, but because they are so powerful and so much to take in. Key messages are said in carefully scripted phrases that seem flawless. I've learned that in order to understand what God wants of us, it is important to catch key details. Anytime the Bible gives us a particularly evocative detail about something, we need to pay particular attention. Something, I am still learning...yes, I do mean paying attention. Ever asked me to tell a story, and then you interrupted me, and said "ok, sorry, go on." No...I can't go on...I don't know where I left off....all I know is that you started talking about your mom calling and then OH!!! Ok now I remember.

I'm going to be a great social worker. :/

Anyway, back to my point, there is a vivid key detail in the beginning verse from Matthew that certainly speaks some volume. Jesus said, if someone "strikes you on the right cheek" then you are to turn your face to him in such a way as to present your left cheek. The implication being that he may hit you again. So I had to ask myself..."why the right cheek? Why not the left?"

Picture someone getting hit on the right cheek. What is the most likely way for that to happen? Think....are most people right handed or left handed? Right, Right (:p). Since most people are right handed and would hit someone with their right hand, then the only way for them to hit someone on the right cheek is to do it as a backhanded slap. What Jesus is speaking about here is not letting someone pummel you into a pile of broken bones. Rather, He is talking about taking an insult. A backhanded slap is just that---an insult that challenges you to retaliate. Notice---an insult that challenges you to retaliate. It is an attempt to shame you and get you to either back down in utter humiliation or lash out. It is not only a challenge from the striker to see what the response will be, but a challenge to see your faithfulness to God's words. Deep stuff, I know.

Yet, to turn the other cheek is neither humiliating nor retaliation. When I told "A" to just walk away next time, he responded that other kids will call him a "punk" because he walked away instead of fighting and that kids will make fun of him. I want to tell him that it is rather a response of strength that says, "I will not seek revenge because I am stronger than that". I think it also says, "I will not respond in shame because I have dignity in Christ. My dignity is not found in if I can hit you back and hurt you or not. Rather, my dignity is found in Christ and I will respond in just the way He would." Now, I know no kid would ever say this, but this is the idea and mindset I would love for him to have.

Now, I understand that in today's world, there is rarely a "backhanded" slap. That would just be awkward and weird...because no one really does that to someone's cheek.....do they? There are times when people might give you a verbal backhand, haha, or show great disrespect in some way. But, it is those things that get people all worked up and excited. For example...the silly name calling today. Think of how often you see people arguing and fighting because someone "disrespected" them. Today was a prime example. I mean come one....the ONLY rule in Ecology class is Respect. . . We are definitely going to need to study that rule more.

The boys that were fighting today were not just letting out anger. They were looking for dignity. They want an acknowledgement that they are a person of substance and importance. In this case, I think "A" was looking for dominance and superiority. If someone does not give them that respect and feeling they look for, then for some reason they feel violated. "A", in my opinion, was trying to show that he is stronger, better, more significant than "Z", which is not true....all my students are equal.... :/

So, instead of turning the other cheek, you strike back, preferably with even more force! If that is what you need to do to get respect and dignity, you will never have it in sight. And I need to penetrate this through to these kids. I know it's not in my job description, but it is in my job title---KEYS(Knowledge to empower youth to success). I need to empower these youth to a successful life without violence.

Our dignity comes because we are made in the image of God, correct? Our significance comes because we are called by Jesus to be world changers, yes? Our power and strength comes because our bodies are filled with the Holy Spirit who gives us the ability to receive the insults of others and respond with, am I right? This is how Christ tells us he responded to those who hurled insults at Him.

People like Jackie Robinson knew that they would face insult after insult because of color. Those insults were intended to humiliate and incite an even more violent response (backhand slap!). The hope was that such a response would then justify the impression of the black man as uncivilized. But when the response was a quiet dignity that came from within, it changed the world. Racial barriers began to fall and reconciliation started to take place. Hallelujah!

It is no different for Christians. When we respond to insults with the same kind of vindictiveness then we affirm for the world that Christianity is a shame. But...when we respond in quiet dignity, drawing on the power of Christ, we provoke a response of respect and wonder and we compel people to want to learn more about Jesus, get it?!

Turning the other cheek is not impossible. I want to instill this in the children. But...it is difficult. But when we do respond with the gentle dignity of Jesus, then we bring glory to Him.

:)

3/13/11

Belief.

- A state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.

- Something believed; especially a tenet or body of tenets held by a group.

- Conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence

People have several different beliefs. That's what makes diversity. It would be a sad, dull world if we all believed in all the same things. How would we learn from each other? Everyone's peripheral thoughts and ideals would be so narrow and limited that no one would have creativity. The definition of belief was striking to me. "...habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing". When you ask America what their belief is, what do they tell you? "Oh, I'm Christian". Okay....but what is your belief? "Oh, well, I'm protestant". Typical response, yes? When we ask people what their belief is, naturally we tell them the one thing we believe in that is most important to them---their religion. Not who they believe in, but rather...what they believe in. If you walk dahntahn and ask someone what their belief is they are not going to say "God"....or I wouldn't think they would. Chances are they will say "My belief? I believe God created [insert biblical verses] and that He shall rise again and [insert more biblical verses] and that one day we will all be [insert inspirational biblical verse]. That's my belief" Okay....so maybe not that extreme. But point being, especially in America, our substance of belief has come to what we think is the single most important object that we have come to "believe" is what shapes us. And for many, it is our religion. Or is it God? Or is our spirituality? [GREAT segue coming up!]

ONE: Per earlier discussion, beliefs are meant to challenge one another. Thus...I don't care if you disagree with any of these points. In fact... I wish some of you will disagree! (hence the whole point of the prompting picture).

So, controversial belief numero uno is.... Religion is not Spirituality; Spirituality is not Religion. A peculiar fact is that we don't see this whole notion of "spirituality" outside of America. Why are people in Europe and other countries religious or irreligious and yet Americans have this self-developed third category called "spiritual"? Are Americans special? Or is it rather that distinction is really just a product of American culture?

Why, of course! The term itself came to be used in the 60s when there were widespread revolts against every form of organized authority (surprise surprise) including "organized religion". Every establishment and system of authority was thought to be corrupt and evil, including those which were religious. Ah, but of course, Americans weren't prepared to abandon religion entirely (would it really be America if we gave up so easily). So, hence the creation of a new category which was still religious, but no longer included the same traditional authority or evil supremacy---Spirituality.

Many people can surely be spiritual and not have any religious affiliations. Well...take me for example! Spiritual? Yes. Religious? Ehhh....uh....errrrr.......not really. I don't really affiliate myself to one organized religion. I don't feel I need to. I am spiritual and may believe in some of the core values that a "religious" person may believe. I still have a belief. I have a belief that God is our savior--the same belief a protestant, baptist, catholic, etc. believe. Sure, religious people can be spiritual...but I've seen many people be "religious" and not actually spiritual. To fathom the depths of the Scriptures of the various religions across the world, one would need to dive deep into the pearls of wisdom contained in the various sacred Scriptures of the world. Spirituality is, in my opinion of course, oblivious of a religion. In terms of spirituality, one needs not to go to a mosque, temple or a church in search of God. I can stay home on Sunday and still find God in my life. It is contemplation and contemplation only which shall lead someone to the Almighty God... Not what organized religion tells you to do to find Him. I believe spirituality and religion and separate, and that one can live without religion but not without spirituality. Spirituality forms the central core of every living being. It is the spirit within every human being that we exist as physical form on this planet (yes, even that douche that you think doesn't have a soul!). We may or may not indulge ourselves in understanding religion or spirituality, but inherently every living person pursues some kind of spirituality in every manifestation they desire. Spirituality is a fundamental of life which cannot be ignored. Every soul has spirit. I'm not talking no cheerleader, loud, obnoxious spirit, but the very spirit that is dormant in ourselves. It's there....and its not religion. Even religious people have spirit...but to mix the two and call them one is just foolish, yo.

TWO: Being gay is not a choice. I don't care what you think. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.... If I had the choice to live a straight life versus a gay life....what do you think any normal person would choose? Would any person, religious or not, really pick of lifestyle full of ridicule, stereotypes, and negative stigma?

So a guy has a substantial amount of money (point being, money isn't an object) and is looking to buy a car. He has the choice to buy a nice looking new, modern, sporty, solid car....or a very different looking car that a majority of society would deem unnatural or too different. Surely, he would get many weird looks if he chose that second car. Perhaps even given stereotypes if he picked that car. He knows he could choose the first nice-looking car and fit in with the rest of America. That would be an easy choice. But why on earth would he choose the second car that would perhaps make life harder on him purely based on society's reaction to the car?

Well...why would I choose this lifestyle when, if I did in fact have a choice, could choose a straight lifestyle where I could go down the street holding hands with a women and not get any different looks or remarks about it. Why would I choose a life where I can't even walk down the street too close or god-forbid holding hands with another guy and get a negative feedback from society.

I've told people this before, and again, I will say it for the purpose of this message: I sometimes wished I was dead instead of having to life this gay lifestyle forever. Don't you go calling no suicide hotline, that was in the past. In all seriousness, I can't stress enough of the frustration of the notions regarding choosing this lifestyle. Don't even get me started on "just praying about it". No...I'm going to stop there before I go on a long...long tangent. Honestly, however, I did wish a lot that I would just be stroked dead instead of living this socially unacceptable lifestyle. This isn't just something I can choose and if I don't like it I can return it, or try something else. There is no receipt for being gay--no exchanges, no returns.

The definition of belief stating "Conviction of the truth of some statement . . . especially when based on examination of evidence" Well...I wasn't going to go there, but if I must. To all who have held us up against the wall telling us it's not how we were born and God wouldn't make mistakes like us... tell me what the genetic leads scientists are finding are all about. It is difficult to make this claim with research being in its infancy stages, but it is definitely a start in the conversation about the "gay gene". Whether you believe this gay gene or not, it is definitely something is gaining attention, and I do hope that it will prevail and prove once and for all that people don't just choose a lifestyle of mockery, pillory, bashing, stigmas, and eternal damnation. We just don't. What I would give to have a normal lifestyle and to have a normal family where other families wouldn't look at my family as different....and where my children won't have to worry about what their friends would think about them having two dads. I would never intentionally make my child go through a life of fear from what his peers may think of his family. How could I live knowing my child is too scared to bring anyone over because he doesn't know what to say when they ask where his mom is. In fact...this is why I struggle to reason having children. But...that is far into the future and a whole new discussion.

I'll close with this: I'm sick and tired of people holding their beliefs too close to their heart (and minds) to the point of being so totally oblivious to other beliefs. There is no ultimate supreme belief than another. Different beliefs are what makes us different from one another and makes us think outside of our own perspectives that we've been shaped to think as. I'm open to all discussion on different beliefs, but when it comes to criticizing beliefs rather than intelligently arguing on them, it becomes risible and suddenly not worth the effort to get into. Take these words as you wish, but remember that your beliefs can be far different than mine...but guess what, that's okay. A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end, he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with. I believe attempting to fathom all of the different beliefs is part of reconciliation of knowing our differences. In fact, I'd go as far as to say the very purpose of existence is to reconcile the strong opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common. Which is okay! People don't understand that new opinions are controversial and worth the discussion, because they are not common. Lastly, if a man isn't willing to take some risk for his opinions, either his opinions are no good.....or he's no good.

2/23/11

Usually I would start off with some kind of witty verse or quote.

Tonight... I'm not quite sure there is just one quote that satisfies this topic. I've heard too many songs about this to pick one to represent my thoughts, feelings, emotions, frustrations, confusion, and determination.

Picture this for me: You have to cross a bridge. You don't know where exactly it's leading to and you can't really see the other end, but you have a feeling you have to. I'm not talking no Pittsburgh bridge. I'm talking a wooden, janky bridge between two mountains. So, what's your first instinct? To stay. You are comfortable there. You know what you have. But what if theres something new, exciting, possibly dare I say better for you across the bridge? I can guarantee you if you cross that bridge, it will be scary, shaky, narrow, wobbly, uncomfortable and potentially a life-dependant quest. If you cross, you have to give up what you have. What do you do? Stick with what is comfortable with you? Take a leap and see what could be better for you? As you stand at that end of the bridge, think of this: sometimes we have to let go of what we have....to see if there was something worth holding onto. Seems a bit harsh, but more bona fide than anything. So let go. Cross the bridge. Hang on. Too many times we don't talk about something or don't do something because it's not comfortable for us. It's too much of a new idea for us and we just are not comfortable acting upon it. But we already know how to hang on to something and how to love something. It's letting go and exploring what is in the future that we all need to learn how to do.

So you cross the bridge. You thought you were going to die, but you didn't. Of course. Now what is your first instinct once you stepped foot on the other side? Look back. We all do this. We accomplish something we were hesitant at first, something we saw as a challenge, and certainly an obstacle, to say the least. We look back on something that we gave up and that we were comfortable with for so long. Now we start to second-guess ourselves. It's human nature. We convinced ourselves that this is better, that this will pay off, that this is what we chose and this is what we were meant to do. If it wasn't...we wouldn't have accepted the challenge to cross the bridge. Now we're skeptical. Did I make the right choice? What if this isn't better for me? Can I go back? (no stupid, you almost just died crossing!) So now that you've come to the 4th stage of change (following pre-contemplation, contemplation, and preparation/determination) of "action" and maintenance, you have to burn the bridge. Alright, so you don't have anything to burn it with, whatever, but now you've spent this whole time standing there looking back at where you came from, across the bridge, with your back facing what you were pursuing. Why cross the bridge in the first place? The more you go back to contemplation, the closer you play with the 5th stage that every counselor dreads.......relapse.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us", said by Joseph somethingoranother. Buddy Joe knows what I'm talking about. We have these preconceived, set-in-stone, ideas of our life. We play along with it for so long until we think that something is wrong and we need a change. Or often, we find we don't know what is next in life. This is the time to let go of the concrete life that we have envisioned ourselves for so long. We should understand that no matter how concrete our life plan is, every stone gets its sand blown, washed, chipped away. Knowing that nature overpowers our thoughts of life, the best thing at this point is to accept that life is waiting for us, we can't be waiting for the next step in our own idea of how our life needs to be.

Often we hear the saying when one door closes, another door opens. Or, every exit we make is a new entry into somewhere else. When we enter into a new door, or close an existing door where we were, we do it for a reason. We don't enter doors into somewhere we don't know because its fun, we do it for a purpose. What is that purpose for crossing the bridge back there? Whatever it is, we can't lose sight of it. We can't. We learn things in life by doing things with unknown consequences. Now, granted, not all of these types of actions are positive, encouraging life-learning moments, but generally speaking, that's the outcome. Regardless, we learn a life lesson, positive or negative. The reason for crossing a bridge into a new adventure? To see what life has for us. Yes, it may shake your world and the simplest thoughts in the middle of the quiet night can bring tears streaming down your face every night, but it's emotions over action. It's normal. Our emotions overpower us in almost anything we do. Hungry? Eat! Sad? Cry (for some, eat more!). Angry? Yell (or beat something/someone up). Anxious? We second think. It's normal. But all of this aside, we learn life lessons from taking leaps of faith into things that may not exactly be what we expected. The more obstacles we come by in life, the more wisdom we pick up on the way. Think of it this way... if life was so incredibly dull in which we rarely came across obstacles, hardships, and challenges, what would we learn about life when we did come into contact with those times? We'd be clueless! We would be an army of dumb frenchmen standing in the woods clueless, wondering why we're getting bullets thrusted in our heads. Bad example. The point is, I can't help but think that the bridges we cross are for a reason and whether or not we realize it at the moment or even after, I think we do it out of instinct and those instincts come from somewhere worthy inside ourselves. From that, we learn about ourselves, others, and life in general.

I don't know why I encountered the things I did in my life. At 21 years young, I feel I know only a little bit about life and a fraction of how to deal with some of life's challenges. I don't know if I'll ever be a good enough social worker to help others in situations I couldn't even fathom to be in. But I do know that I've gone to hell and back, believed in Jesus, kicked him in the face and ran away, and then ran back into His arms. Just from that sentence alone, I can see life lessons that I learned from doing things in life out of instinct and from things in my life I didn't have any control over. I have to believe that most things in my early life shaped me who I am today. Part of this was letting go of some things. Some of us think holding onto some things makes us stronger, but often its letting go. And quite frankly, I think too many, myself included, spend too much time looking in the past. Given the bridge analogy, once you cross that bridge, you can't believe it, you are skeptical, second-guessing yourself and before you know it, you've spent just as much time looking back at where you just came from. It defeats the purpose, almost. I think one problem with gazing too frequently and too much into the past is that we may turn around to find that the future has run out on us. We can never turn back the pages of time. Your book of life is what it is. You write your chapters of life for people to learn about you. It is not your place to erase the past. We can't do that. Mentally, we may not even be able to erase the past. It is what it is. Though we may wish to relive a happy moment in the past time, or say goodbye just one last time, as I wish so many times I could to someone, we never can. The thought of having a chance to go back into those chapters of my life and rewrite the ending of some of them chills me to the bone. When I think of being able to say goodbye just one....last....goodbye, my whole world stops, noises are nonexistent, feelings are numb, and I'm in a daze 4 years back that makes my whole body and soul feel so fragile a brisk wind could shatter me. But time keeps chugging along and as we continue to live our lives and take chances that we take, let us remind ourselves that the past is history and we will learn from crossing bridges in our lives.

Because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can't turn the hourglass over.

2/15/11 -- Hard (and Harder) To Get

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

Lately, I've had the chance to have some critical life-changing meditation and conversations with God. I think the fear of not knowing what is next holds its place up there with fear of death and being alone. For a large part of my life, I didn't trust God with my life and didn't believe in Him guiding me through life. I did my own things and lived my own life. I think everyone knows that since I came to Pittsburgh, I've been able to let God guide my life more and trust that I am His and He will show me which of the paths in life is for me, and me only.

For months, I told everyone my future plans were to return to Michigan for my undergraduate and then race back here to Pittsburgh after I graduate to start a career and my Masters degree. In common logic, it makes sense. Yet, the more I asked God what path is for me, the more I found out I've been lingering back to my previous logic. I wanted to go back to Western because that was my plan. Not His. So now, I've been focusing on the plans that He has laid out for me. I'm so blind and lost that I have been wandering all over the place, not seeing where He is leading me. But now, I do believe that I'm finally lost enough to let myself be led. I have no idea what is next in my life. But the most I can do is let Him help me go in the right direction. It's time for me to stop being selfish and stubborn and just doing what I feel like. I'm done with that habit of shaping my life. It's to time to realize I'm not the one to shape my life. I can do whatever I want with what I'm given, but I can't decide the rest of my life. We also can not get free of what we've left behind.

"I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret"

Shame, doubt, blame, regret, indignity, uncertainty, confusion, insecure. These are all words I feel have been expressed in some way or another in my search of comfort and peace about my future. University of Pittsburgh is a phenomenal institution, along with the historic neighborhood that it's students reside and study in. The love of this City is openly known by everyone and holds a certain phenomenon that all Pittsburghers, I think, can consent to. The thing here, is that I have developed such ambience of peace here in which I can see my future. This City has a peculiar way of networking within human services organizations. I've spread seeds of growth around the city that I've watched develop roots over time. In the past 7 months, I've changed as a person and have increased my sense of independence that I have relied on for so many years. Though, as promising and prospective this image of my future looks like, I am still being pulled every which way. Right now, it's hard to let go of all tension, open my arms wide, close my eyes, look up and say "God, take me as I am. I am yours and my trust lies within you. Lead me into your path." Surely, it's easy to write that, but its quite another to act upon my faith to let go of such confusion that I've been battling with. Sometimes, this is eating my emotions so much inside that I can't understand what exactly I am doing here right now. It's a sense of looking blankly into the computer screen, lost inside of yourself.

And so, God, "You've been here all along I guess. It's just your ways and You are just plain hard to get." Truly you are an amazing God. And Truly, you are a confusing God! Yes, I suppose you have been here all along, and yes I suppose you have watched and guided me all along. All of this aside, You are just plain hard to get. So many Christians would love to argue with me about that statement in that our God is not hard to get, and that He is there waiting for us and that it is our duty to commit ourselves to Him. Well........fair. But let's face it, He is not easy to understand, He is not easy to get answers, and He is not easy to grasp completely. I don't care if you have memorized every one of His words in the Bible... the fact is we may not know everything about our God and that's okay! And so, even though He is so hard to get, it's okay because my feelings are to let Him take me as I am, according to His plan. That's that.

I never thought 8 months ago that I'd be here. In Pittsburgh. In God's hands. In a faith-based organization. In a pickle. Yes... a big pickle. Michigan is my home, and always have been. Western has treated me right and provided me the best they could with a good education. Pittsburgh has amazing potential for me and I glow inside when I think about the possibilities I will come across while studying and beginning my professional life here. I trusted God enough to come to this City not knowing anyone or anything on a leap of faith. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I did take that leap of faith from God. Nevertheless, I was guided my way through the next couple months and found the true meaning of "God doesn't put us through anything we can't handle".

So here I am, lost more than I can understand. I am hurting inside because of the torn emotions that are brought upon such a conditional situation with two paths in front of me. We can't see what's ahead, and we can't get free of what's left behind. Regret has become a prevalent keynote in the decision making of my future, as should it with any big decision. I believe the factor I'm struggling with most right now is being so clueless and damned that I have not built enough trust to let God completely take me away in his plans, like I did before, and yet I haven't instilled enough trust in my own decision making to make a clear determination of where I want to go.

This is me praying now, perhaps not for guidance--no not this time. But rather, for some self confidence to have the ability to make my own decisions and have the support of knowing this is what You want for me, God. I can't be completely dependent upon one or another. Here my prayers as I ask for enough of your trust to foster the decisions that I need to make.

Conceivably, I could be making this too much about putting this on God, and less about me being able to grow up and make my own decisions for myself. Perhaps. But like I've said, I'm at the point of being so lost to let myself be led. With this in mind, I'm not asking for your prayers, I'm not asking for sympathy, or advice. I'm not asking for anything, maybe not even from Him. Ultimately, at this point in my life (and faith) this should be about what I need to make do for my life. If that happens to be in alliance with the Lord above, then it is meant to succeed. In the meanwhile, I'm going to chase after what calls my name, because it's just your ways...

and You are just plain hard to get.

12/24/10

Day 7 of being home for the holidays.

Relaxing? Fair.

Enjoyable? Sure.

Dysfunctional? Completely.

I always tell people every time I visit home something is bound to happen to support my notion of having a quite (more than habitual) dysfunctional family. I'm not sure if it's just me finally getting fatigued of always coming home to dysfunction and stress, but whatever it is, I'm getting quite tired of it. I know I know, it's my family, I should just love them. I do, I do. But, there's gotta be some point of reconciliation to a normal family, right? Perhaps not, perhaps its just wishful thinking. Nevertheless, if God has taught me anything, it's to just love the family I am blessed with and he will not face me with anything I cannot endure.

So, talks about christmas gifts have been overly, unnecessarily controversial this year. For the sake of trying to sustain as little additional drama as possible, I won't get into the details. But, generally speaking, there was .....questionable intentions on some gifts that were being offered to me this year. If yinz want to know one thing about me, you should (already) know that I stand up for what I am thinking and I don't let things just pass by me. If I have a provoking thought, I'm going to act on it. Why do yinz suppose I ended up in Pittsburgh? Because I wanted to do something else in the summer and when I got a call from Pittsburgh I decided.... why not? I want to do it, so... I packed my stuff, got rid of my apartment, rented a storage facility, and bought a plane ticket. Now, going back to the original subject of matter here, I stood up for my questioning and thoughts and emotions that lie on these intentions. Whether or not it was justifiable is up to them. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am and fighting for what my thoughts are.

Through these ...well, I wouldn't call them arguments per say, but rather.... discussions with "very strong convictions in which strife was almost inevitable and in which very silly names were thrown here and there :)", I had the opportunity to openly share my values on christmas with family. That is, I believe previous christmases were fair to be called materialistic. Call me crazy, but I really didn't "light up" because I got more than enough of things to take back home that day. I have seen much too many kids who have touched my life in some way or another who probably won't get half of what I'll get this year. And the heroic part is, some of them don't mind and are just as happy with getting little to nothing, if anything. I'm not sure how they do it, and to be in that state of mind at such a young age just puts me in complete awe. I mean, my mother had me and my brother put together my niece's barbie mustang powerwheel (which took 2 hours for assembly and proper stickers placement) in which she will open along with a dozen or two other gifts just from our family alone. At 4 years old, I would be in heaven.

Now, I can honestly and contently say that I could be happy if I didn't get anything. Now, I know that will not happen, because my family is so focused on the aspect of giving and getting, rather than being with family. Cliche, I know. But honestly, I'm sure I said it in one of my facebook statuses (mind you, from the 1st day home) as "Let's grow up and be appreciative of who we are around with on that day, instead of worrying how much we 'have to spend' on each other. Get me nothing! I'll be happier than you will be." Some may not believe me for my words, but again, I really can't say I care because this is what I think and perhaps the reason some may not believe me is because it seems these days it's such a rarity that anyone feels this way anymore.

Well, officially it is christmas eve. The "festivities" begin tomorrow here in the martin household. In this cozy house in Holland we will hold 14 friends and family members with 4 hyperactive dogs. Dysfunctionality will have its prime moment to shine then. Truth be told, I'm hoping for a bearable christmas. I have 11 days or so left before I return to the Keystone state, and in the meantime, I am trying to make the best out of all of this. I ask for your prayers of sanity (no, really) to get through everything. For the non-believers, I ask that you simply sympathize for me, though no pity, please.

If this has seemed like a dramatical, extensive rant on normal, run-of-the-mill dysfunction that everyone faces, I (1) apologize for boring you for 5 minutes and (2) hope you realize either your family is not that bad, or that after reading this sad literature, your family is a little worse than you thought. Regardless! Have a wonderful time with your family, friends, and loves ones on this christmas, and may we all embrace the ones we have today, for yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, and that my friends, is why we call it the present.

The only present I shall ask for this christmas.

12/8/10

Just had to share this with yinz...

Today I was asking each student some questions for an evaluation type thing.

As I was asking one of the students a question, she interrupted me by asking,

"Mr. Jermy, is Santa fo real? Like, is he fo REAL? I hope he is..."

"Well..... sure he is. Why do you ask?"

"Because some kids at my schoo said he ain't real and there aint no santa."

"Well, _____ , just because one or a couple people say something isn't real, doesn't always mean that they are right. You believe in him right?"

"Yeah Mr. Jermy, but my mom puts out presents too. But I think shes just helping him."

" :) Yeah... I think she is too. But, _____ , just know that when some people tell you not to believe in something, don't always listen to them. There's going to be many times when other kids will tell you something else to believe in that you don't believe in. All you need to do is keep believing what you want to believe in! You believe in God. If someone at school told you he doesn't exist, you wouldn't stop believing in God, right?"

"right............. thanks Mr. jermy :D *Huge Hug* "

I was all smiles when she gave me that hug. This is why I love AmeriCorps. There's a quote from an AmeriCorps poster saying "We look the child in the eye and say 'I believe in you'" That's exactly what I want to do with my little time I am with the kids. I'm going to miss these kids.

11/30/10

Oh, I do believe it has been almost a month since I've laid eyes on this blog. It's been a pretty hectic time, but nevertheless. . . it's been much overdue for a new posting.

There was a time (semi-recently) where I was invited to accompany a neighbor to her church one night. I was ecstatic that she would extend this offer to me. Without thinking, I accepted and plans were made to visit this church in the next couple days.

On the car ride there, I can tell she was making a respectable effort to get to know me and to see where I've come from. We prattled on about my coming to this city, to my site, and my faith journey. The air in the car seemed to get more dry as we talked more and more about my relationship with God.

We couldn't have arrived to the church on a more pronounced moment as a majestic building appears as we drive up a hill out of nowhere. Ahhh... the typical suburban evangelical Assembly of God church. What the bible says is what is true and what is to be believed. As this was being explained to me, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when the bible, here, is taken so literally word by word. But. . . I have to wonder. . . . . does anyone in this 1,000 congregation eat shellfish? :p Alright I know, I know... I won't go there. BUT, it was intriguing, so I was even more intrigued to see how the service went.

The beginning was typical. Modern, contemporary christian worship songs with a young worship leader on stage with a hip, small band behind her accompanied by a modest sized choir on stage right. Alright...not bad, I thought. I like contemporary worship.

The service started and they introduced a speaker that only comes once a year. He seemed great and definitely influential. Perhaps....too influential? After getting the crowd riled up and getting their hands to almost touching the ceiling and having everyone so spiritually wound by his words, I'm sure he had every person in there thinking there was no roof.

Regardless, I just was not getting totally into it. He then asked if there was anyone who has not given their life over to Christ as their Savior and accepted Him back into their life. The lovely neighbor I came with insisted I go up.

No. You cannot make me go up to reclaim God back in my life. Plus, I've already done that. What might give you the reasoning that I have not. Quite offensive if you should ask me.

The car ride back was anything but a quaint little drive home. So, with the willfulness I had, I decided to prompt the question: Do you think a gay person can be a Christian. The facial reaction was as if I was asking for a couple million dollars to borrow---a hybrid between disbelief and hysterical. She then began her response by "No. I do not think a gay person can be a true follower of Christ." Enlighten me, I thought. I'm ready for this (with an almost demonic grin). Without saying, she continued "the bible specifically says homosexuality is a sin and it is not right, it is not what he wanted, and it is a sinful lifestyle." Touché I thought-- the bible indeed says homosexuality is a sin. However, if I am not mistaken, the bible also states if a women does not cover her head, she should cut it off! As it happened to be... she was not covering her head of beautiful luscious hair.

Hark! I am not here to bash, nor detriment any person, church or assembly. Rather, I'd like to pose an argument that I've been struggling with. Surely, this follower of Christ is not the only one that believes "being gay is not what Christ wanted" and that "being gay is a simple choice. You have the choice to not be gay if you didn't want to. It's just like if I had a choice..." A choice to be gay, you mean??? Oh...of course not, you mean... "like if I was a prostitute..." ahhh yes, lets compare being gay with being a prostitute. After all, apples sometimes look like oranges, right? "if I was a prostitute, I could change my lifestyle if I wanted to. It would be my choice and I could change if I really wanted to." Ahhh.... it all makes (no) sense now :)

So the question, or rather more of a quote, I pose now to yinz, is this (not sure what translation this is...but I like it ):

"Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye.

So..... :)

I mean, let's think about this. "Why do you see the speck in your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, while the log is in your own eye?" It was made explicit that I am living a horrible horrible, corrupt, nefarious lifestyle. Ok, judge me. Judge me all you want. But we are true believers in Christ then we know that how we judge others is how we will be judged when we come face to face with Him. Also, here I am setting all my wicked immoral life sins on the table. The question prevailing is: where is your stuff to put on the table?

Through this .... endeavor I've come across (and quite frankly still trying to defeat) I have taken a deeper meaning into how we treat others and most importantly, if my faith I have been working on since I moved to Pittsburgh has been all worth it if the words these Christians are telling me are indeed truth. I haven't let it get too much to my head, however. I figure.... if I believe in Him, and I love everyone as my brother and sister, isn't that the most important thing He asks from me? From all the times 'loving one another' is mentioned in the bible, isn't that such a powerful message and stipulation we should follow more often than not over the seldom times things such as homosexuality was mentioned? Here me now, I'm not trying to say homosexuality isn't a sin. Maybe it is, I really don't know. But what every follower of Christ knows, is that our main goal is love one another. And if my brothers and sisters want to go around bashing me for who I love because they can't grasp the meaning of 'love one another' and would rather judge me for something like that because they believe that is more important to make themselves feel better for this moment than to stand in front of the face of God at the end and be judged the same way....well all I have to say is...

Peace to you.

11/2/10

There there baby

It's just text book stuff

It's in the ABC of growing up

Now now darling,

Oh don't kill yourself

Cause none of us were angels

And you know I love You, yeah.

Loose ends never have a good place in any kind of relationship. True, they are avoidable, but we are always told to learn from our mistakes. It's all part of growing up. I myself, have come to learn much from many mistakes, from myself and from other's mistakes. Rarely have had I had comfort of talking to someone so in depth about serious loose ends in life to where I feel acceptably placid. It's ok though. This is how I learn in life. I (try to) accept what has happened, I (try t0) see where it went wrong, and realize indeed, none of us were angels.

"Time heals all scars." Will they? There are some scars so deep that when we got them, we didn't even feel it until later. These scars may very well never "heal". Visibly, sure they may look healed. Time can heal scars, but what heals the pain? This is never easy to think about. Sadly, things just happen, and a lot of the times we are blinded by the outcome. I don't like it. But it's life.

What does it do for us when we stop something that is hurting us as much as it's giving us pleasure? It's easy to discern that we are cutting ourselves off from getting hurt anymore than what we have already endured. However, we are humans and we have to ask ourselves "is this worth it?" Of course it is. In the long run, we have to believe that this is going to do better for ourselves. So let's go to hell, and see if we can rebound back, granted that we actually learn something by putting ourselves through the trip. It's not going to be easy. I hate this so much. Where do I stand when I have a semi-supportive group here, and less than adequate supportive group back home? Some will be quick to tell me.. "well, stand with God of course!" This might be an answer, but I've struggled to get to this point where I should already have this in my head before I ask that question. What do you do when you have the biggest support in your life taken out from under you. I'm struggling to stand now. I can't balance without a support that was built so dear into my life. I'd like to think I'm going to get it back some day, sometime.

What sucks the most is the person I need to talk to the most to help get me through this, is the one I can't talk to. How long will I clench this bottle, staring at the phone and deleting all the messages I fail to send.

I'll wait.

9/22/10

"Gonna let it rock
Let it roll
Let the Bible belt come down
And save my soul
Hold on to 16 as long as you can
Changes coming around real soon
Make us women and men"

Isn't that the truth. How many times do we tell ourselves "Man, I wish I was ___ again"? Truth be-told, this job has made me covet that notion more and more. I'm not putting up a front and I'm not being fake in terms of expression of my great job, more specifically on Facebook. I do like my job. I do like being at The Pittsburgh Project and I love the people there. I do like being part of AmeriCorps. With every "job" there comes that inevitable drag, along with all the pinnacles of the position. For me, I never got to be Jack and Diane for very long at all (if you don't know what I'm talking about by now, google it, it will make sense. trust me). Early in my venture in the 'Burgh, I did let the Bible belt come down and save my soul...err.....not exactly so much save my soul, but let back into my soul. And if the term "Hold on to 16 as long as you can" not express my wishes enough, I'm not sure what else does. Oh wait, of course, the next couple words, "Changes coming around real soon, Makes us women and men." Where have my last 8 years of my life gone? If we really do travel down that path to find the answer, I'm afraid, my friend, we might get lost in the darkness. The light switch is somewhere between taking after my older siblings and being the first of my older siblings to go to college, and perhaps somewhere along the lines of being independent and starting laundry, cooking, and writing checks at the age of 12. You would think from all of this, I would be used to being responsible and doing things independently. No. No, in fact, I'm struggling just as much as anyone else is right now, perhaps even more. I'm not ready to be a grown man. What is this woe that has robbed me of the youth life? I'm not complaining about having responsibility or growing up in general. Hell, I've gone through stuff that middle aged men don't know how to deal with.

With the ideology of being independent and responsible, comes this job at the Project. Not going to jag yinz, It's hard stuff. This is not easy by any means. I'm quickly (by force) learning community organization skills. To give you a run-down, I'm expected to create a community assessment on food security, hunger rates, health concerns, and accessibility. I am to carry out a plan of action for the local homeless shelter in order to sustain a long-term participation with the children of this community. I am to maintain the three Urban gardens and farms we operate and run the weekly farmers market. Then there are the volunteers. If there is one thing I can tell you about volunteers if you are going into anything community related----- Do Not Count On Them. They are as likely to come back to you as a balloon you set free in the sky. So this long-term Volunteer Strategy Plan of Action I'm expected to accomplish.... well, I really don't know where to start when there as much volunteers that are actually "faithful" to our program that I can count on one hand. Mind you---most or all of those volunteers are "faithful" because they are on some federal welfare program where they receive their welfare from service hours.

This is not the community for a large garden interest. It just isn't. The idea is grand, but the demographic for people to bring their family on the farm and do manual labor with dirt just isn't here. I'll tell you where that interest is----white suburban neighborhoods. And how much more true does this statement become when the North Side community sees mostly white people at the farm stand and always a group of white kids working on the farm. Oh, how so encouraging. I have nothing to say to these neighbors when they tell me they hate our program because we do is have these suburban kids work on our farms. Ok... you got us. But... if you are bitter about it, why don't you do something. I've worked my ass of this summer recruiting volunteers for the garden and nobody shows up. Gee, I wonder how we will ever get anything done on this farm.

This is just one instance where I'm sitting in my office beating myself up internally because I have no idea what to do about this. We can't have these kinds of groups work on this garden forever. So how in the world am I supposed to get these community members to plant flowers for us. More importantly, how are they supposed to take me seriously? True, I have a wonderful support from a section of the neighborhood from my work in the summer, but that section still can't be responsible for helping me get people on the farm. I'm expected to create a documentation plan of how to carry out a long-term volunteer strategy plan....when I don't even know the simplest, short-term plan to even begin. There are times where I'm sitting in my office thinking Why am I doing this? There are people much more qualified to do this job than I am. I just don't have the confidence level I need for this job. It's just not what an ordinary 20 year old is standard to doing.

Well, it's time to get ahold of the bootstraps. My days of teenage love and contemplation about my future are over. How the hell I'm supposed to do this job in this community, I haven't got the slightest clue. I'm sure I have pretended quite well to everyone else that I know how to. Don't let that fool you.