2/15/11 -- Hard (and Harder) To Get

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

Lately, I've had the chance to have some critical life-changing meditation and conversations with God. I think the fear of not knowing what is next holds its place up there with fear of death and being alone. For a large part of my life, I didn't trust God with my life and didn't believe in Him guiding me through life. I did my own things and lived my own life. I think everyone knows that since I came to Pittsburgh, I've been able to let God guide my life more and trust that I am His and He will show me which of the paths in life is for me, and me only.

For months, I told everyone my future plans were to return to Michigan for my undergraduate and then race back here to Pittsburgh after I graduate to start a career and my Masters degree. In common logic, it makes sense. Yet, the more I asked God what path is for me, the more I found out I've been lingering back to my previous logic. I wanted to go back to Western because that was my plan. Not His. So now, I've been focusing on the plans that He has laid out for me. I'm so blind and lost that I have been wandering all over the place, not seeing where He is leading me. But now, I do believe that I'm finally lost enough to let myself be led. I have no idea what is next in my life. But the most I can do is let Him help me go in the right direction. It's time for me to stop being selfish and stubborn and just doing what I feel like. I'm done with that habit of shaping my life. It's to time to realize I'm not the one to shape my life. I can do whatever I want with what I'm given, but I can't decide the rest of my life. We also can not get free of what we've left behind.

"I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret"

Shame, doubt, blame, regret, indignity, uncertainty, confusion, insecure. These are all words I feel have been expressed in some way or another in my search of comfort and peace about my future. University of Pittsburgh is a phenomenal institution, along with the historic neighborhood that it's students reside and study in. The love of this City is openly known by everyone and holds a certain phenomenon that all Pittsburghers, I think, can consent to. The thing here, is that I have developed such ambience of peace here in which I can see my future. This City has a peculiar way of networking within human services organizations. I've spread seeds of growth around the city that I've watched develop roots over time. In the past 7 months, I've changed as a person and have increased my sense of independence that I have relied on for so many years. Though, as promising and prospective this image of my future looks like, I am still being pulled every which way. Right now, it's hard to let go of all tension, open my arms wide, close my eyes, look up and say "God, take me as I am. I am yours and my trust lies within you. Lead me into your path." Surely, it's easy to write that, but its quite another to act upon my faith to let go of such confusion that I've been battling with. Sometimes, this is eating my emotions so much inside that I can't understand what exactly I am doing here right now. It's a sense of looking blankly into the computer screen, lost inside of yourself.

And so, God, "You've been here all along I guess. It's just your ways and You are just plain hard to get." Truly you are an amazing God. And Truly, you are a confusing God! Yes, I suppose you have been here all along, and yes I suppose you have watched and guided me all along. All of this aside, You are just plain hard to get. So many Christians would love to argue with me about that statement in that our God is not hard to get, and that He is there waiting for us and that it is our duty to commit ourselves to Him. Well........fair. But let's face it, He is not easy to understand, He is not easy to get answers, and He is not easy to grasp completely. I don't care if you have memorized every one of His words in the Bible... the fact is we may not know everything about our God and that's okay! And so, even though He is so hard to get, it's okay because my feelings are to let Him take me as I am, according to His plan. That's that.

I never thought 8 months ago that I'd be here. In Pittsburgh. In God's hands. In a faith-based organization. In a pickle. Yes... a big pickle. Michigan is my home, and always have been. Western has treated me right and provided me the best they could with a good education. Pittsburgh has amazing potential for me and I glow inside when I think about the possibilities I will come across while studying and beginning my professional life here. I trusted God enough to come to this City not knowing anyone or anything on a leap of faith. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I did take that leap of faith from God. Nevertheless, I was guided my way through the next couple months and found the true meaning of "God doesn't put us through anything we can't handle".

So here I am, lost more than I can understand. I am hurting inside because of the torn emotions that are brought upon such a conditional situation with two paths in front of me. We can't see what's ahead, and we can't get free of what's left behind. Regret has become a prevalent keynote in the decision making of my future, as should it with any big decision. I believe the factor I'm struggling with most right now is being so clueless and damned that I have not built enough trust to let God completely take me away in his plans, like I did before, and yet I haven't instilled enough trust in my own decision making to make a clear determination of where I want to go.

This is me praying now, perhaps not for guidance--no not this time. But rather, for some self confidence to have the ability to make my own decisions and have the support of knowing this is what You want for me, God. I can't be completely dependent upon one or another. Here my prayers as I ask for enough of your trust to foster the decisions that I need to make.

Conceivably, I could be making this too much about putting this on God, and less about me being able to grow up and make my own decisions for myself. Perhaps. But like I've said, I'm at the point of being so lost to let myself be led. With this in mind, I'm not asking for your prayers, I'm not asking for sympathy, or advice. I'm not asking for anything, maybe not even from Him. Ultimately, at this point in my life (and faith) this should be about what I need to make do for my life. If that happens to be in alliance with the Lord above, then it is meant to succeed. In the meanwhile, I'm going to chase after what calls my name, because it's just your ways...

and You are just plain hard to get.