5 Years, 1 Callus

Look at your hands. Your elbows. Feet. Are there scars? Wounds from the past? These markings on our body are a gentle, sometimes painful, reminder of our past. It is one of the few physical keepsakes that tell a story from our past. A visual reminder that stays with us. I have scars all over myself. For most, I have no idea of the wound that caused them. Those memories are long faded. However, for others, both tiny and...well..not so tiny, I can recall exactly the injury that caused them, no matter how long ago it happened. All of the scars have proven that the wounds that caused them have healed. Now, some of the wounds healed quite nicely and quickly. Some, however, took much longer. They required special attention and care, and patience. But they healed. You know, all of these scars have a story. They also have another thing in common...and that is, not a single one of them hurts. The remnant of the wound still persists. It's there. You can't rid the scar of the wound. But the wound itself has healed.

And you know...they say "Time Heals All Wounds." Do they? I don't think so. I honestly hate when people say "give it time", "all things heal with time". It's as if you are saying "just sit back and in time you'll no longer have the sadness, grief, anguish, guilt, anger, yearning, and fear you are feeling now.
These feelings we come across don't just fade away. We come across these feelings for a specific reason. These feelings that cause wounds come to us to challenge our emotions. To test us. What pisses us off? What breaks us down emotionally? What makes us anxious? These challenges makes us (or keeps us) in tune to ourselves. They check us in with our emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviors. But this whole notion of letting it pass with time doesn't make sense to me. I'll tell you why.

Give it some time. How long? How long am I supposed to let this wound heal over time before I start to worry if it is something much more serious and complicated than I originally thought? A week? Couple weeks? Months? Two, Five, Ten, years? I still have feelings of anguish, anger, sadness, and guilt from 5 years ago. Am I to simply relinquish these feelings that burrow beneath my heart over a period of time and just wait for this time to alleviate this feeling? Absolutely not, I say.

If so, why doesn't this apply to the rest of our lives? After all, don't most good things in our life require effort? We do have to look for a new job. However, there are some people that do think time will alleviate that problem.... We do have to search for that right house to buy. And Lord knows we have to study to make it through college. Although, some students may grasp this concept and depend on the notion of letting this happen in time. Even if we want to win the lottery, we must go out and buy the ticket. You see, we have to take the initiative to do something to cause something to happen. Getting over feelings of grief, anxiety, sadness, guilt, and anger are no different. 

You see, the last month has really been a testament to the wounds and scars that I carry. Not necessarily on my body, but the calluses I carry on my heart. We get these callus on our body where the skin builds layers and layers and gets toughened after repeated exposures to friction or irritation. Over time, I've let my heart go and, frankly, wore my heart on my sleeve for some time. I've let people feel what it's like to share that connection with me. At this point, it's been exposed to elements where I needed to close it off and layer with callus. I became cautious and needed to toughen my heart. Grow up. Become stronger. Become wiser. Become protected. In the past month I've learned a lot about how I tried to protect that and how well it (didn't) work. I recently found out my recent 5 month relationship was a complete lie from day 1. He was sleeping with someone else from Day 1. Lying from Day 1. Rejecting my feelings of insecurity from Day 1. In fact, had an existing relationship months before ours started. I slowly began to unravel the layers of callus around my heart as I became more fond of this bastard in our relationship.

Let's say you have something very precious to you. A car, we'll say. Over time, the car really takes some beatings. Let's say your muffler get's some damage after a difficult time. You don't have money to get it fixed, for the sake of the metaphor, so you duct tape it. Over time, another situation damages the muffler. You wrap it even more than before to ensure it won't happen again. Yet again, you expose it to outside elements that damage it. You wrap it even MORE than before. Now there's layers upon layers upon layers of tape holding that together to ensure that it is protected and safe. But...once you are ready to remove the muffler to replace it, it's a difficult reminder of how damaged it has become and how difficult it is to reveal it again. It's something I've had to deal with recently. I've callused my heart so much that it seems harder and harder to let myself open up to others I want to. It's not going to be easy. And it's certainly not fair to the other person. But...the true testament to this situation proves itself to be a benefit for me. The person who genuinely understands why the calluses are there, is the one who will understand the patience required for me to open again, even (and most importantly) the calluses from over 5 years ago.

The point here? Time does not heal all wounds. Actually, it's what you do with the time that heals. As with any other aspect of life, mourning, grief, anger, confusion, and guilt is an active, working process, not a time-elapsed passive one. It would be foolish of me to think the wounds from 5 years ago would heal without any painful scars for others to see. I know for a fact that my emotional scars are visible to others who try to get close to me. It's something I deal with on a regular basis. Will I ever get over this? Perhaps not. But with the right time, the right remedy, the right patience, and the right person, my callus will start to peel away.

I'll be waiting.