2013: Reconciliation Of Myself

It's been so long since I've actually came back on and wrote a blog post. It's interesting and disappointing to me that I've lost the initiative to write on this anymore. Hell, I'm not even sure anyone actually reads this, but I didn't start this 2 years ago so that I could grow a fan base. No, I started this for me. And it was supposed to serve as a special instrument for me to find myself, reflect on myself and eventually grow myself from what I've been through.

You see, I started this while my first couple weeks arriving in Pittsburgh. I knew right away this journey wasn't going to be easy and thought that if I did get over this, it would be a unique way to look back and say "I overcame that". I wasn't sure how long the journey would last or if I would make it through. I thought I was going to quit, go back to Michigan and go back to the drafting board of my life.

Point is, I've really found characteristics of myself today that I've found I learned throughout my time here and to look back and read about the times I was confused, proud, sad, and just plain wanted to give up really brings happiness in my life. It's no excuse to say "I just didn't have time to keep up with this". So, I wanted to start back off on the right foot. I have some Things To Stop Doing in the new year.

Lately, I've had some disturbing murder dreams. Not sure where this came from. I've never had them before. So, I decided to think about if something/someone is trying to tell me something. Jeremy, if you died tonight, would you do anything different? The last thing I want to do is to think I could have pursued that one passion, opened up that center or business, or spent more time with my loved ones. But one day that time will be long passed, and the only thing left to do will be to think about what is done-what is set in stone. Oh, what I would do to get those moments back in my life right away--to repaint the past, take chances, spit in the face of fear, share my love, and live with no regrets. I like to close my eyes, imagine its my last moments, open my eyes, and think about what I see...its the same everytime. Life and opportunity. There's still time, and I don't want to regret or waste it. Now, if you know me well enough, you know I'm not too much of a pessimist, so why am I doing things you should stop doing? Because sometimes the smartest way to get ahead is to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Number 1 -- Stop settling for the same ole' damn routine
There are so many people today that live daily with unhappy circumstances. I'm not talking about people who are unhappy everyday. I'm talking about people who are literally in unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation. I've been told an impressive amount of times that there's nothing they can do about it. That there's no other option. That there's no help out there for them. That's exactly how I felt when I was 12 years old cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my older two siblings, doing laundry, cleaning this 2-bedroom apartment and lying to the landlord about rent because my mother was only home about 1 hour every two weeks to check on us and drop off food. That's also how I felt when the love of my life sucked me into his drug destroying life only to watch him slowly slide away from life because he was so miserable with his life.

See, these people believe that conforming to their current circumstances will eventually lead to a life of comfort, security, and peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to their spirit. Every once in a while I sit back and think about moving to Seattle, or NYC, or DC for a great job. Then I apply for that job, and I get offered that job. And then I turn the offer down. People usually look at me weird, slap me in the face and say "what the hell are you doing?". It's a legitimate question. I get sick of the same routine. I find ways to get out of my comfort zone and I eventually realize it wasn't the actual day to day routine I was sick of. I just needed a change of spirit. I go skydiving, I go kayaking, I ride my motorcycle for hours just getting lost, thinking. The very basic core of the human spirit is a natural passion for exploration and growth. Go explore it. A spirit is never stagnant. It's never dull. It's never consistent. This growth comes directly from our encounters with new experiences; and hence there is no greater destination in life than to have an endlessly changing horizon. No, this doesn't mean change your routine every day. And remember, this doesn't mean your physical routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, watching tv, going to bed. It's deeper than that. It's how you feel about your life and what you do with your spirit to control that feeling. It's the changing of how you interpret the day. How you interpret your life. This ever changing horizon---for each day to have a new and different sun. Because after all, every single day is different. Different things happen, we're in a different place in our lives, everyday. So why think and treat it the same as every other day?
I encourage you to read "A New Earth"

2 -- Stop Ignoring My Education

The Lord may strike my soul down if I am lying about how much I am ready to quit school. I am 23 years old and still have not finished my bachelor degree in a field where I'll never be able to pay off the debt to get the degree. Great system. Ok, so its a little pessimistic. But in complete disclosure, I've put my education on the back burner and have put just enough effort in to make it by--to get a sufficient grade. I love some of stuff I learn, but I hate most of the stuff I'm forced to learn that will never serve me right in the future, or that I've already mastered in real life experiences. Love it or hate it, being in school makes personal growth easier. Did I just say that? So, I've come to realize I probably need to get a degree...not so much so that I can get a job, more or less so everyone will stop telling me I need a degree. Albeit, I will agree you learn some things that are pretty fascinating and interesting. You learn things that you never would have taught yourself otherwise. Sure, it's the most expensive lectures you'll ever pay for in your life, but I find myself thinking sometimes how much I've grown and what my competence as an empathetic person would be had I not gone this path....this very...expensive path.

So, you're put in situations designed specifically to challenge your mind. Anyone who thinks college is stupid because its hard is a fool. People don't get Masters degrees because they made it through 6 years of "easy A" classes. But, once your school days are over, the lectures and headaches subside, and the assignments have stopped, no one is forcing you to learn anymore. I think about those who drop out of college and think "now what are you going to do?". Then I think about how I was almost one of those fools I criticize. It is so easy to stall without the rituals of active schooling. When I took a year off from school, I actually felt like I was not only stalling in learning but going retroactive! Anyway, with the stalling, you gradually slip into a pattern of educational idleness--many people do. I sure as hell did. In fact..I think I still am :p. As young adults, and adults in general I suppose, there is no curriculum to follow, except the goals we set for ourselves. Even though no one is actively challenging you, you must still choose to challenge yourself everyday.

3. Stop Trying To Transform The People Around Me

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is. When you seek love, you don't seek love from someone who loves "some parts" of you. You seek love from someone who loves you for all of who you are. And, in all honestly, I seek love from someone who doesn't just love me for all of who I am, but loves me even in my flaws. When someone can see into (not past) my flaws and at my lowest point, that's what we aim for.

Sometimes we try to be sculptors of other people we care about, constantly carving out of others the image we want them to be. We get this idea that we can manipulate people, and that it's ok, to make them completely how we would want them.  We make them what we think we need, love, or desire. But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their fair benefit and ours, and always end up in disappointment. Breakups always end up in thinking "what went wrong?". Often, it's the fact that they loved most of them, and then tried to sculpt the rest of the person. But you cant sculpt someone! If you do, it's like that sand at the beach between the shore and the water line. You can sculpt all you want, but the water is going to come back, wash it away, and it's the same piece of flat sand it was once before you started carving away at it like a thanksgiving ham. Try all you want, that water is going to keep coming and keep washing away. Then we get disappointed...because it does not fit them. The beginning of love is to let those we care about be perfectly themselves, and not to distort them to fit our own image. It's not even about those we LOVE, its about everyone we care about. You don't have to like ALL of your friend, and you don't have to. But trying to change them into something they are not is never going to end well. Accept who they are, how they are, and understand the limitations of the friendship. If you're missing something in a friend, find another one! Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. And that, my friend, is not a healthy image.

4. Stop Numbing Myself

"Numbing" as I put it, is any activity that you use to desensitize your feelings so that you don't experience vulnerability or hurt. Guilty. So are you, and everyone else. We all do it to avoid paint. And in some theory, that's okay. But I often find myself forcing to numb some things so that I don't show emotion or vulnerability. The last thing I want is to seem dependent upon someone and weak. Now, I know, as a social worker, that by showing emotion and vulnerability doesn't make you weak. But by numbing myself to vulnerability, I also numb myself to love, belonging, creativity, and empathy. Remember, love is crazy and love is scary. Love is risky. Love is unsafe. Love isn't for the faint of heart. Love takes courage. (you get the point?). So, I've come to realize that I've really put others at risk when I numb myself. See earlier blog about calluses on the heart. I'm not going to change overnight or over a month or even a year. It's something I've always been trained to do. It's engraved in my mentality. But most importantly, love and fear can't coexist. And It's something, especially now, that I have to take into consideration. For all of my relationships, I've attempted to numb myself to certain things in a relationship that end up biting me in the ass later. I always have a wall up about something in the past that hinders growth in the present. But now that I've found a whole new level of love that I never knew could even exist, It's time to stop numbing myself in order to try and keep this love. So, I'll be willing to let myself go, even though it will be one of the hardest emotional moves I make. But most of all,  Love means giving someone the opportunity to break your heart, but trusting them not to.

5. Stop Belittling My Potential

So theres one thing I've learned about self confidence and potential: you are a victim of the rules and beliefs you live by. Indeed, but you are what you choose today, not what you have chosen before. I've heard from many people "You don't give yourself enough credit". Credit doesn't mean shit if you just give it to yourself. Reluctantly, I do believe most of it is from self confidence, or lack there of. So, why not let today be the day you love yourself enough to no longer just dream of a better life. I know I'm not the only one to think about this. Let today be the day you create it. Easier said than done? I don't think so. I mean, of course it's not going to be easy. Life in general isn't easy. And those who think it is, end up taking the easy way out. So don't hope for an easy way out. Look inside yourself for the strength you  need to achieve your dreams, and then take action. I won't let myself be my own worst enemy about my potential. I'm going to start making my own potential great and making it happen. Every day is an opportunity to make it happen.

6. Stop Wasting Time

I saw a 20/20 special the other day and they talked about how Doctors are reinventing the way they explain certain medical terms. Then to put it in perspective, they asked primary school children how they would describe certain words. They were to describe the word "time". Very interesting to think about. It's often said time is a precious commodity. It is for many people. For some, they waste it and don't give two shits what they do with it. See, I think of you being a customer of a bank called TIME. Every morning, you are credited with 86,400 seconds. Every night, it writes off, as a loss, whatever remainder you have failed to invest to good purpose. It doesn't carry over to a balance. It's the same 86,400 seconds. It allows no overdraft. Each day, it opens a new account for you with the same deposit. And, every night it burns the remains away. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. Do what you want with your commodity. There is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow, and unfortunately, there is no borrowing :) . I've learned that it's really up to you to live in the present on today's deposits. I don't want to waste any time trying to fix something I can't, or wading in the still of time wondering why my life isn't what I want it to be and that everything sucks. I'm going to try and invest it so as to get from it the upmost in health, happiness, and success. You and I are making withdrawals right this second, so make them count! If that means stop reading this long blog then do it!

7. Stop Getting Sucked Into Needless Drama

Oh Boy, here's the big one! I really need to stop finding myself in unnecessary drama that involves me or not. Drama hardly ever produces anything significant and worthwhile spending time, energy and threatening of relationships and friendships. If anything, those "lessons" could easily  have been found through simple civil dialogue. No matter how badly people treat you, never drop down to their level. I need to really master this competency. Just know you're better off without their negativity in your life and walk away. I've tried catching myself in the moment, but sometimes that negativity is like a black hole and you are sucked into it. Unless you fight the urge and show the strength to not stoop down, you're going to absorb that negativity and possibly just pass it along to others. If you attach yourself to their negative behavior, it brings you down to their level...which is the same reason you get upset with them in the first place. Now you're stuck. There honestly comes a time when you have to just let go of all the pointless drama and people who create it. If you consistently find yourself in needles drama by the same people, it's time to leave them before it eats you up piece by piece, time by time, and surround yourself with people who make you smile so big that you forget the bad. Then, focus solely on the good. Life truly is too short for anything less.

8. Stop Focusing on the Negative

Overall, I'm usually pretty good about seeing the bright side of things and people. But everyone has flaws and I'm not afraid to admit of my imperfections of being negative when it gets ahold of me. Anyone can see that focusing on the negative is imperfect. It takes a wise person to see how it's perfect. Anyone can describe how it's getting worse; it takes a wise person to describe how it can be joyfully improved. I'm not talking about being one of those hyper-annoying optimistic people. It just takes time and practice to see the good in the bad. Anyone can feel overwhelmed and give up; it takes a wise person to take compassionate, persistent and committed action every day. Wisdom is this simple. so start being wise with your perspective. It's always easier to see the negative in something and point something out that doesn't fit well. But it takes practice to make things better and to see the good in something or someone. Mind over matter--if you think it, if you act it, you are it.

9. Stop Stressing Over What Could Have Been

Admittedly, this is one of the hardest ones for me to do and have been in the past. It's one of the hardest things for me to reconcile with to know that there is nothing you can do to help change the past, but only things to do in the future to prevent a past like that. I have to keep reminding myself no sense in worrying about the past. Because, the chances are if it should have been, it would have been. And that's what hurts to hear. Every time. What should have been, would have been. Its the sour sounds of honesty and reality. Shit happens. Change happens. Happiness is about trusting that what has happened has long-term positive rather than negative results. I think for most things I have come to realize this. Trust that life is happening for you, not to you. You're not a hopeless target for life. You are given opportunities and it's up to you to do something with it. This "inverse paranoia" of believing everything is for the greater good helps the human spirit face and welcome life's changes cheerfully. Give it a try; it makes all the difference.

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It's never easy to accept our flaws. It's even harder to reconcile and find ways to make our lives better through accepting our faults. It's ok to be imperfect. It's not okay to not do something about it. Self reconciliation is a process. There's no textbook for it. No cookie cutter to get you through it. Just as every person is different, so are the methods to identifying what works. Most of these things that we should stop doing to enhance our lives is about trust in ourselves and others. We need to trust ourselves that taking a risk will produce happiness, balance, and confidence. Trust in others that they will stand by you. Forget new year resolutions, these resolutions should be carried through and through all the time. It's something I'm working on, one step, one person, one day at a time.