12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

I'm no Dr. Phil, but if social work has taught me anything, it is that everyone needs a little wake up call every now and then. Most often in our profession, we see the need for this wake up call at their worst breaking point. It's always refreshing to think about some very simple concepts and analyze how we think about things in our daily lives when we take the time to read and reflect. It's so easy to make simple things extremely complicated. Guilty. Enjoy...

1. All successful relationships require some work.

They don't all just happen, or maintain themselves. Relationships are not cats. You can't just feed it once and a while and clean up the dirty stuff and expect everything to be just dandy. They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that's going on in their minds and hearts. My biggest relationships pet peeve is plateauing at a "friendship" level. I always like to be developing the relationship in one little way or another. Sharing what's on our hearts and minds is what opens the doors for development. Open communication and honesty is the key.

2. Most of the time you get what you put in.

Going back to the first point, if you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you'd like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel consoled, show sympathy. It's a simple practice that works.

3. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot in someone's life.

Way too often we feel like if we connect with someone, we have to constantly fight to keep that position in their life. To a certain degree, we should fight for that relationship if it's truly a genuine, working, loving relationship. But there's no need to feel like you have to fight for "a spot" in that person's life. It should be natural. That feeling like the spot was always open and you seem to fit very comfortably in it. It should feel comfortable, natural, relaxing, happy, and just plain right. Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you...or better yet, they'll realize you are what they've been looking for :)

4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet.

Some people will test you, some will use you, some will break you, and some will teach you. Most importantly, some will bring out the best in you. There's where a true relationship stands. When someone is able to break you just enough to help you break out the best of you that you never knew you had, that...is a relationship. It's about finding the best in each other. However, some will use you and some will teach you from what might have not worked out. Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.

5. We all change, and that's okay!

Our needs change with time. As we change, so do our needs. Of course. When someone says, "you've changed," it's not always a bad thing. In order to learn from life mistakes, we have to change. Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way. Don't apologize for this! Instead, be open and sincere, and explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your head and heart is right for you. No one knows yourself better than you.

6. You are in full control of your own happiness

If your relationship with yourself isn't working, don't expect your other relationships to be any different. If you are struggling to find yourself, so are other people. You've got to know what you want and what makes you happy before you can even attempt to let other people try to figure that out. Nobody else in this world can make you happy. It's something you have to do on your own. Others can supply happiness and contribute to your happiness, but YOU have got to be in control of making yourself happy before others can. You've got to know what happiness is to you. Otherwise, you'll find yourself struggling with a partner who feels inadequate of making you happy...and that's not their fault. And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else. If you feel that it's your partner's fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece of the puzzle is missing. Your partner can never "complete" you because you are already whole. The longing for completion that people speak of and that you may feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are. I know its so cliche of people to say they are finding their "other half", but if you are only half of a person, then how can someone "fill" that other half if you don't know who you are as a whole?

7. Forgiving others helps YOU!

Forgiveness is not caving in. Forgiveness is strengthening yourself. In social work, we strongly advocate forgiveness and seeking forgiveness as part of a healing process, but also as part of a strength builder. Forgiveness is not saying, "what you did to me is okay." It is simply saying, "I'm not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever." Forgiveness is the answer. It doesn't mean you're erasing the past. No not at all. It also doesn't mean you are forgetting what happened. It means  you're letting go of the resentment and pain. Instead, you are choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. You'll be amazed how much pain, suffering, resentment and burden is lifted from forgiveness. Remember, it does NOT mean you are saying what happened was okay.

8. You can't change people; they can only change themselves.

Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example. If there's a specific behavior someone you love has that you're hoping disappears over time....it probably won't. If you really need them to change something, be honest and upfront with it and put all the cards on the table so that this person knows what you need them to do and what they mean to you.

9. Heated arguments are a waste of time.

I'm all up for trying to work through some tough times in a relationships, but come one....there's a line.
The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you'll have to love the people who love you. And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don't let your anger get the best of you. I think people get too wrapped up in their relationships and forget to weigh the good times with the hurt you accumulate. But if you do find yourself in an argument with the one you love, be cautious of your anger behavior and don't let that little moment engulf the relationship. This can be so detrimental to a potentially great relationships. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation. Remember that the two of you can have different ways of dealing with an argument and that's okay! Compromise. If one likes to talk about things right away and address it, and the other likes to take some time away and come back calm to talk about it, find a middle ground. Maybe the two of you address the bigger problem at hand at first and agree to have a little bit of time to collect yourselves to talk about it.

10. You are better off without some people.

It hurts to hear, but it's true. When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it's probably time to change the people around you. In generalist social work practice, we are all about P.I.E (People In Environment). This whole concept of people are who they are because of their environment. We look at people with two interacting forces -- inner force (the individual) and outer force (their environment). It's no doubt our environment influences who we are. But when we find ourselves starting to force ourselves to shape to the environment and change who we are, maybe its time to analyze if this is the right environment to surround ourselves in. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you away or in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while (or a long while), but it'll be ok. You'll be ok, and far better off in the long run. Remember that.

11. Small gestures of kindness go a long way.

Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get. Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection. The small things add up. Remember, making one person smile can change the world! Today, I was filling up at the gas station as I saw a single mother of 5 struggling to find where her cash was. I paid for it inside at the attendant. As she walked in and walked back out in a matter of seconds, she gave a gentle sigh and smile at me as I rode off. It wasn't anything big to me. I could tell she needed it. But I knew that might have made her day and I'm a believer in "intentional acts of kindness" and smiles can change the world. Maybe not the world, but their world. Your kindness and gratitude matters. Pass it on.

12. Even the best relationships don't last forever.

People don't live forever. Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you. You'll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you. Personally, I know my best relationship I've ever had in my life was one that ended too soon; not because one of us thought it wasn't working, but because he is no longer able to be physically with me anymore. It hurts to know that's the best I ever had and that I didn't appreciate it all when I had the chance. And I never was able to know just how much I meant to him, but what kills me the most is that I wasn't able to let him know how much he meant to me. On a slightly less morbid note, we learn from our relationships. Some of us stay friends. Don't regret a relationship because it didn't work out. Look back and see what  you can learn.
Remember, just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't worth your while.