#26 Start taking full accountability for your own life.

We are all held accountable for several different things in our life...some more trivial than others. Perhaps its a responsibility at our job, or maybe its holding someone else accountable for a goal. Whatever it is, we tend to lose sight on the most important accountability...ourselves. We can have others state their accountability for ourselves, but if you can't take your own accountability for your own life, how effective is it for someone else to do it?


Accountability is all about standards and mistakes. We have to own our choices and mistakes. Most importantly, we have to be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  All of you know that I'm the biggest believer in learning important life lessons from our mistakes and challenges. Either you take accountability for your life, or someone else will. Typically, we let them when we are most vulnerable. Not even obviously vulnerable...but oblivious to ourselves that we are. And when they do, you'll become a slave to their ideas, wishes, and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.


As cliche as this may sound, you are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. I know it sounds like something from a Zen meditation reading, but seriously. We are the only one to decide that. Some might make the argument that someone else upstairs is also involved, but the truth is, our actions decide our outcomes. If I wanted a lot of money and didn't care about anything, I'd go rob a bank. If I wanted to become very successful in a big city, I'd work my way up and do it. Simple theology, really.


No, it's not going to be easy. I never said that. No one ever said that. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. They're dealt with these cards and some of them are pretty crappy. But you have to take full accountability for what you are dealt with and your situation and overcome those obstacles. Because choosing not to, is choosing a lifetime of mere existence. 


I feel like by taking full accountability for our lives, we gain much more than the control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. We realize "oh yeah.... this is what I deserve" and we don't let ourselves settle for less, the more we do that. Taking accountability for our life also means standing up for what we deserve. I've learned not to settle for second best when it comes to a lot of things. I've also learned to let go and accept the things that don't deserve me. A crucial part of setting standards for yourself is holding yourself accountable to the fact that you deserve the best! Don't let others manipulate yourself and fool yourself to think they deserve you if you don't think you deserve them. It all goes back to the whole vulnerability thing and not letting others make you a slave to their ideas.


Bottom line: You will feel better. You'll feel better and more self-esteem when you decide to take accountability for where your life goes and who and what you want to be part of it. Stand up for yourself.


Sometimes the biggest obstacle in the line of our dreams is not others who try to manipulate and challenge us...but its ourselves. Because, it's quite often its you that are standing in your own way, and in the way of your success. It's you that starts to self-sabotage or hold yourself back (in subtle or not so subtle ways) once you are on your way to the success of you dream of. I'm as guilty as anyone on this. 


To remove that inner resistance, you have to feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. Going back to the whole "I deserve the best" concept, you may be able to do a little bit about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. It may sound silly but its amazing how much just simple positive words of affirmation can effect the human being. I know my best friend is pretty dependent on this--and its not a bad thing, per say. But saying the little things like "it's okay", "things will work out", and "you deserve this" make all the difference. How do you accept the best for yourself when you can't even tell yourself that? But, the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life.  


Now, I know most people think this whole concept I'm ranting about seems a little silly and that everyone innately believes what's best for them. But its the actual action of deciding what's best for you that should eventually become natural. It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life, those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage. They don't become translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra push that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don't get stuck in just a thinking, thinking, thinking, maybe..., thinking and wishing stage so much. You become proactive and aggressive, instead of being so passive. Because you know what you want and you take responsibility for what you want!


Make the best use of what is in your power. . . and take the rest as it happens.
Taking responsibility for your life is great, but that is also all that you have control over. You can't control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do. It's important to know where your limits are. Otherwise, you'll create a lot of unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by trying to take accountability for what you can't and never really could control. It's good to take note of this before you take action.


Overall, Aim to be the best version of yourself!
Even though it doesn't always work, doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. Especially under pressure or frustration. So don't aim for perfection. We're not trying to be perfect. Just try to be as good of a person as you can right now. And everything else will fall in place. It's all an input/outcome relationship.


When you think about why its important to take accountability for yourself, I think it's important to not rationalize to yourself that you didn't really have to take responsibility in various situations. That doesn't mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it (which I need to work on). I just observe that I have hurt myself and that's my fault. Because (say it with me now...) I have to take (say it with me....) "responsibility for my own actions". Good. Now you're getting it. And this doesn't feel good, I know. But, you become less prone to repeat the same mistake. 


Lastly. . . 


"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. . . 
Never excuse yourself."

#27 Start actively nurturing your most important relationships.

I'm lying in bed wondering two things: how do I still have the little energy mustered up to do this blog and how hard did I drop the ball on number 27 of the 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself?

The article states to "Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can't be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of."

Let me be real. Let me be really real. I haven't treated friends and family the closest to me the best. It's not that I take them for granted. It's not that I take relationships and friendships for granted. I learned that already. There's nothing in my life that has hurt the most than losing my closest partner and friend to suicide. Until you have experienced this, you can't fully comprehend the stinging, knife stabbing in the heart feeling that I think of when I think of losing someone close, again. Perhaps many of you reading this think in the back of your mind that I do take you for granted. I don't. Many of you have been a significant column of my being when I was falling down. I don't even need to ask for help or wonder if I'm going to crumble down to the ground; you're a permanent column of support. And I need to acknowledge and respect that more.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I get so wrapped up in my life trying to please so many other people that I don't realize the people I should be focused on more are right in front and right behind me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me. And yet, I somehow, for some reason, funnel all my compassion for others...most of the time people I don't know. I'd like to say this due to my ultra-service oriented mind and that I get too wrapped up into this, but it just doesn't cut it. There's no excuse for this and it simply isn't responsible for me to think of any warrant for this behavior. I'm taking full shame of the way I treat my closest family and friends.

Many of you friends have been a crucial part in my transition into Pittsburgh. Many of you are the reason I still have some guilt for leaving Michigan. You all think I'm living the life in Pittsburgh and that I couldn't be happier leaving the Mitten. Don't fool yourselves! Yes, I'm quite happy here and happy with my education and professional standing. Yes, I do think Pittsburgh is a much more pleasant place to live than West Michigan for multiple reasons (even if GR is rated "gayer" than Pittsburgh). But realize that some of you still in Michigan are the exact reasons I still occasionally have the "what if" thought.

Family, where do I start? The title of this lesson is "start actively nurturing your most important relationships". There's no doubt I've failed you, family. I also realize that this can't be discussed about family without talking about forgiveness, but that's a whole new blog. I'm not sure if I can ever really forgive my mother for some of the things she's done (or hasn't done) but I can come close enough to realize even though she may not realize how much she hurt me, I can move on and start to mend my half of the deal. Point is, I haven't hardly done enough to start nurturing the relationship I have with you all. I'm sick of hearing the cliche "life is so short" and wondering what if.......what if this is how our relationship ends if something happens tomorrow. That being said, I can't stand knowing if God-forbid something happened suddenly, the relationship I have with my family is embarrassing I wouldn' know what to do with myself. I'm so shameful how much I complain and complain about some of the dysfunction and lack of communication we have sometimes. This is my family. We are far from any resemblance of a typical American suburban family. But I don't care, really. If I don't owe it you, I owe it to myself to try and hold on to what's left of our relationship. I'm sorry I've been a bitter son and brother.

In one of my social work classes this week the discussion centered around the ethics and issues Social Workers around the country are held accountable to. Some of these were respect, social justice, worth and dignity, discrimination, and the one that struck me the most "importance of human relationships". We were asked to take a look at the 10 or so topics/themes and see which one stood out to us the most. It could be something we want to work on, something we are great in, or just something interesting to us. We were told to pick one and explain what that meant to us, and then ask the class to hold us to be accountable to that topic/theme for the semester--to be more competent and loyal to that Social Work issue/ethic. I chose "importance of human relationships".  I want to be held accountable to uphold this ethic of valuing and respecting every human relationship I hold true to. So many people enter and leave my life on a daily and weekly basis. Which one of those are going to mean something to me in the future? The human body needs relationships. It physically needs interaction with other human beings to survive. Perhaps it's a sign from the almighty man Himself, but the fact that we need relationships is obviously taken for granted. So then, we should decide what relationships are worth developing. I decided I want to be held accountable on the relationships I make with people and those I invest interest and time in. My time is so sparse these days and those I choose to invest my time with should say a lot.

I'm not sure exactly where this leaves me. There's a lot to this whole idea of "nurturing" your most important relationships. Then there's the whole meaning of what is our most important relationships? Does it mean those that have had the most impact on my life? The ones that mean the most to me in the future? Or the ones that I see most beneficial are right now? All of the above? I don't know. And I don't know how much repairing I can/should do before I even begin nurturing some of those. You can nurture something that's still trying to heal all you want, but unless you put some serious neosporin on that thing, there's plenty of work to be done to some important relationships before the assumption of nurturing it begins. Baby steps.  We'll get there. And to those who haven't already suffered my selfishness from my selflessness, please be patient as I figure this out. Things will work out. Everything will be okay.
Baby steps.

2012: The Year We Decide To Change Before We All Die

Recently I came across this interesting article as a response to another article. It's called 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself. I found it really intriguing that it was a response to the previous article "30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself " in that people wanted a more "positive" way to change themselves. Too often I think we look at ourselves in the mirror and think "what can I change about myself? Lose some weight, stop running from my problem, stop spending money on going out, stop being fake, and perhaps most of all stop lying to ourself." But how can we possibly be excited and motivated to change when we beat ourselves down first with such negativity and then expect our poor fragile souls to build ourselves up by telling us to stop doing this, stop doing that. The problem, I see, is that professionals are asking us to simply stop doing this behavior that we've innately or not been used to for years and years and years and sometimes most of our lives. Example: one lesson in the 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself is to stop holding onto the past. Well, I'm not sure about yinz, but the fact that you have trouble holding onto a certain chapter of the past certainly holds some legitimacy and meaning to that past. Is it responsible for us to just drop it so easily as put on paper? The article claims "you can't move on to your next chapter if you keep re-reading your last". Perhaps so. Good point. But sometimes you have to keep referencing past chapters to enhance the meaning of the current one or to glean inspiration for the next ones. Because after all, we do learn from our past.

I'm a strong believer in positive change. The whole generalist social worker strengths-based approach is what I thrive on. Not so much on myself, but with others. I don't like to practice and pounce on what is wrong with someone and then try to fix that. I'm not going to lie, I do that more often than strengths-based, but doesn't everyone? I'm fat....so i'll lose weight. I'm poor....so i'll find another job. No. Then everything just becomes sort of a ...oh....i'll say it...pity party. Rather, lets take the perspective of the first article and say "ok yes, you are fat, but you love your animals. Let's start to take your dog on a walk around the block once a day." Or... "Yup, You are definitely poor. But you have an amazing talent in technology. Why don't we see if anyone can use your service setting up a website, etc, etc blah blah".

In the next few months, maybe years, I'm going to focus on the 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself.
Of course, its naturally difficult to start something new with expectations of changing your life for the better. There's that worry of "this is how i've always been". There's still a sense of negativity even with a new perspective of optimism. Example: Start being true to yourself. Immediately it implies we've been untrue and negative to ourselves. This may not sound so bad relatively, but it still makes me think about how untrue i've been to myself before I think about how to "start being true" to myself.

In any case, this should be interesting. I'm not claiming to have any answers by the end of this and certainly not claiming to fulfill these self-help lessons, but I'm willing to further explore what they mean and how someone can better understand what it means to start doing something positive in their life.

Should be fun.

Me + Terminal Velocity = Whoa

Ever wondered what it would be like to...

Go up 14,000 feet halfway to the troposphere,

and jump into a blank canvas of clouds

and fall like a gunned-down jet (face-first, mind you) at terminal velocity?

I did.

This past Friday I checked off my number 1 "to-do" on my life bucket list. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but perhaps I was thinking that life is just too darn short. If not now, when? My schedule for the upcoming year doesn't even allow time for dinner or that sleep thing.

So, after waiting approximately SIX hours for the sky to clear up of ominous clouds, I suited up in Armageddon-like orange nylon suit (seen below) and waited patiently and calmly for my turn to board the mini aircraft (also seen below).

Boarding the aircraft...I took my sweet time boarding, wondering how I'd look if I backed out....

Ok, i'm lying. That's a picture of me throwing up a little in my mouth.

About 15 minutes later in flight and some 14,000 feet up, I'm ready to go. At this point I feel like all of my body parts (all body parts...) are strapped up so tight I can't tell if I'm circulating blood or not. Oh well, that's not important while skydiving. So now I'm uncomfortably close to my instructors body. I swear I could feel his heart beat, I guess this closeness is necessary though for something like this.

Anywho, here are some pictures of me putting my left foot outside the plane on the first step, putting my head out stupidly looking down at our open target, and my instructor (Cecil) rocking me back and forth while saying "I'm going to say 'Ready'...'Set'....and then 'Go'!" I wasn't thinking....my train of thought was left behind a couple thousand feet below. Then he says "AND DON'T FORGET....KICK ME IN THE ASS RIGHT AWAY!" meaning... the exit from the plane is most important to get a good balance in the air. My only instruction was to kick him in the but right after we jumped. As you can see below...it took my body a couple seconds to realize I'm floating before remembering the most important life and death instruction.

At this point, I'm going falling through the sky about 250 feet/second. That's about 120 mph.

All you can hear is the screaming wind pushing all around you as you free fall for the longest 45 seconds of your life. You can't talk, it's hard to remember to breathe (and to breathe through your nose...not...your mouth...), and it all becomes so unreal that you are falling through the sky. You feel the wind just brush all around you, pushing you down, up, to the side. The temperature is beautiful, crisp and cold. You know how you look out the airplane and you are just so content about being above the clouds? Take that feeling, multiply it by 1,000 and imagine just jumping out of that window and falling towards those puffy clouds.

Oh, Cecil.....

"See ya!"

"WHOA!!!"

Ok, now this is a feeling I can't really explain well. Right as you are plummeting through the sky and all you can hear is the rushing wind, you pull the parachute, you are gently lifted up and in a matter of 3-5 seconds, its pure quiet. Absolutely silent. All you can hear is a gently whistle of the wind. Unlike anything I've experienced in my life. It was absolutely phenomenal and totally an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe what just happened. The first thing I say when I hear this peaceful silence is "Holy Sh**!" I could not believe what had just happened. In the free fall, you have no time to really think about anything else. Cecil tells me to grab onto the handles to toggle the parachute and steer for the clouds below (yes, we are still) above the clouds. I spot the most comfy looking puffy cloud and aim right for it.

Right before we enter the cloud

In the cloud!

What I saw right coming right out of the cloud.

It was unbelievable. I wanted to slap myself so hard to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Going through the cloud was the best part of landing. I grabbed the toggles of the parachute and just did twirles and circles inside the cloud. I wanted to stay there for a while, it was so peaceful and indescribable. It was like one of those dreams where its all foggy and misty and cold. Then..... I thought about "Oh crap, what if a plane comes...they can't see where I'm at". haha. Silly thought....

Before you know it, it's time to land and Cecil tells me "When I say 'When', you're going to put your legs up 90 degrees and we're going to land and slide on our ball sacks. Got it?!"

So I steer us in and lord behold, we slide on our butts and ball sacks into a very nice graceful landing.

I wish I could explain in better detail what exactly everything felt like and how I felt throughout the whole experience but I really can't. It was the best experience of my life and you better believe I'm going back! All thanks to a really great instructor, Cecil. He's pretty cool.

Now it's your turn!

7/31/11

I'm moving to Squirrel Hill tomorrow.

I'm sitting here with the sun baking down on the living room, boxes filled, walls and shelves bare. I'm just about finished, and it took me almost all day to fill 5 boxes and 2 suitcases. Clearly, I hate moving. I think it is more than just "moving". I've never been too receptive to change in life. I've gone through a lot of change in the past couple years....huge life-decision changes, but is it safe to say that everyone hates change? Almost every big even that has happened in my life the last couple years, I've hated the change at first, and was persistent this isn't what I wanted to do, and had to have some of my best friends convince me I am doing great things and that this is purely just another simple freak episode I'm acting up. Tis true....what would I do without yinz.

Deciding to move to Pittsburgh for 3 months, summer 2010: Convinced myself that I made a huge mistake and felt as if I was thrown in the fire....a huge, dark, hellish pit of fire. Oh how close I was to clicking "Book Now" on that Expedia page for a plane ticket home, a week in. Again, I had the best of friends tell me this will be a good experience, and that everything will be okay. They were right. Surprise.

Deciding to extend my AmeriCorps contract for another 10 months and take a year off from school: After months of stupid deliberation and back and forth between this huge, huge, huge decision, I still told myself I'm making a mistake. Again, my friends stepped in when I needed them the most, just when I thought I was so alone. At this point...I'm thinking my friends (most of whom were supporting me from Michigan) aren't that bad ;)

Deciding to go to University of Pittsburgh and call this City my Home: If there was one point in my recent years that I've doubted myself the most, this is it. I felt it was almost a taboo when I was sending in my application for admission to the University of Pittsburgh. Yet, there was something, or someone, that convinced me this is actually just the path that was set out for me.

You can resist all you want, but our lives have a pre-determined path for us. It may be buried under some dirt and we can't really see where this path is going, often where our path is going 2 feet in front of us. Trust me, I've felt as if I was just being a badass rebel and going on my own path. To the best of my understanding....I feel like this is somehow the path that I was always meant to go to. Never did in my life did I imagine I would even visit Pittsburgh, let alone live, work, and study here. I think any of you reading this know already that I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason. This is no exception.

Think back to high school english literature class. Remember that crazy homosexual poet Ralph Emerson? Yeah, that crazy one. He said "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave the trail." Okay, so, I'm an advocate of going through life to your own path and whatever, but keep in mind, the trail you've seen ahead of you may not be the path that you will follow. Things happen in our life...BIG things (moving, death, breakups, etc.) and they happen for a reason. Imagine you are walking down this beautiful trail and a tree fall---wait, make that 3 trees fall in front of you. You're screwed right (considering you are still alive)? You can't go that way...even though you really really wanted to and that was your plan from the start. Now what....go back? N0, silly. Find an alternate route. Granted, when something so tragic stops us in our life journey, sometimes we do go back and that becomes part of grieving...ugh that's another story. Anyway, so you find an alternate route. It's all part of the end plan. Only the Lord Almighty knows exactly what we are doing in every obstacle we face and how we face it....even in the times where we have no idea what to do and seem to be standing very still in place.

I think the objective I'm trying to get out of my system, is that tomorrow starts another, small, change in my life. Nothing major, but it all reminds me of the other changes I've made in my life and how receptive I've been. I"m okay moving. Hell, I'm f 'ing excited! This is going to be a big difference: No shootings, safe streets, walking distance to everything needed in life to survive (including Silk Elephant Thai restaurant), and close to school. I tell everyone I'm not going to miss the North Side. Who am I kidding. These gangs have been my neighbors, of course I'll miss them.....

Yesterday one of the community members that I've talked with and gotten to know while working at the Pgh Project put on a Saturday flea market. I was so proud of her. It was a great hit! She did it all by herself and I couldn't be more happy that some people are actually taking something positive away from it all ("it all" being my work with them). She even told me yesterday "You remember when you first introduced yourself to the NAB? I was thinking in my head 'oh hellllllll no. Him? Him?! Really?!' but now I'm going to miss you so much and am so glad you were here and sad that what you were doing isn't going to keep happening. I want to pick up where you left off. I want to do what you tried to do for this community."

That....is worth all the tears and frustrations I've had in the past year. It is worth all the community meetings that I've been stood up for.

I'm excited to move. It's going to be great. I will miss some people here on the North Side. I'll miss my Pittsburgh Project family---the first group of people who welcomed me into this City with open arms to make me feel relaxed as can be, and who will always have some place in my heart for how accommodating and caring they were.

Well... Farewell North Side. You've challenged me in so many ways, and scared the hell out of me. I want to come back in a couple of years and see things change. Because let's face it...there is a path for this community, as there is a path for me. Let's see where it goes!

6/29/11

And so this concludes this chapter in what some call "Life".

Ah, the years of a 20something life. Most would kill to go back (or fast forward) to these roaring 20s in life. Reaching emotional puberty is not all it's cracked up to be. Hell, I've pretty much gone through emotional puberty before physical puberty. Okay...this is getting too personal. Point is, so many people strive to relive their 20's and wish they could have done that, or did this, or drank more alcohol. I think the key to prevent this while you are in your 20s is to write a great book. You don't have to be a pulitzer prize author to write a book....because every single person does this. Whether you want to write it or read it later or not, it doesn't matter. You are writing your own book. Some will write a satire, some will write poems after poems after deep, reflective, poem. And some will doodle and draw cartoons. But the whole point is not that if you write a book you won't emotionally punish yourself for missing those years that you've "lost". No, the main point is to have chapters in that book. No one wants to read a book that is one big long chapter. That's boring. And stupid. And you have no idea where it's going...or what the point is....and well, it all just blurs together. Think about if you just read a 300 page book with no chapters. Just 300 pages. How about a book with 300 pages, 12 chapters, about 25 pages apart. More feasible, yes? More interesting.

I think the way this works is if you look back on your life and are able to see distinct chapters in your life, it's easier to grasp what you've gone through and exactly what the story of your life is. I could give examples of my life, but frankly I'm sure it wouldn't be terribly interesting...

The past 13 months at the Pittsburgh Project have been a once in a lifetime experience. Follow these blogs, dating back to May 20, 2010, and you will see. I'm not sure how I deserved such an amazing opportunity with such a phenomenal staff. When I discuss my service with fellow members, I sometimes see this jealously like "damn...why couldn't I do that?" Perhaps this was all part of God's plan to bring me back closer to Him. Maybe this was the detour that I needed from my vastly distant life from God that helped me to bring my face closer to His...and most of all to want to see His face, and his glory, and the amazing miracles that He has in store for me. If this is the beginning of what is to come (as it always is), I'm almost frightened to see what good things He has in store for me.

I've learned an overabundance of new skills that would never have even crossed my mind a year ago. Community organizing? Forget that. Teaching class? No..that's why I'm not an education major. Networking? I can't even keep track of friends...let alone important people with little pieces of (nice, strong) paper with their name and phone number written on it. Hey I got one too! Donation gleaning? You would have lost me at "donation". I'm terrified to argue about something that was supposed to be "on sale" at the register...how was I supposed to ask someone to give hundreds of dollars of free stuff to me?

When The Pittsburgh Project first offered me free housing and a 2 minute walk commute, I answered as any 21 year old AmeriCorps member living under poverty would say.... "YEAH!" That euphoric, but all too naive, attitude quickly faded when nights of anonymous and creepy doorbell ringing, shots firing, and neighbors blaring their music (and conversations) as if they were aiming for the entire zip code to hear them. It's been an adventure for sure. But oh am I ready to go live in...uh....what's that ....that....those ....not apartments....but....HOUSE! Yes, a house. I will be living in a HOUSE this fall! Praise the Lord!!!

How about 'em kids! Oh what can I say about them. I'm not sure what it was that gave them the ability to believe in me so much as if I knew what I was talking about. I suppose they really thought I knew my stuff and believed I could do the job. If only everyone I applied for a job had the same attitude. . . . Anyway, I'll never forget the kids...I'm not sure if it's possible. I've gotten more hugs than a Northside birthday party (1,000 bonus points if you got that joke/play on words). I've had students come up to me for advice on bullying at school, then crying to me as I tell them "It Gets Better." I've broken up fights...by that same kid who cried to me. I've had middle school girls who never gave me a millisecond of their respect and time, and (perhaps rightfully so) told me to my face I shouldn't be here. I learned that you don't need much hair to "whip yo haya". I also learned never to try and duggie when 2nd graders are trying to teach you. You look like a fool! (even if you practice at home).

My kids in my afterschool ecology class reinforced one particular rule that I haven't heard since elementary school. And really, this never did resinate with myself and what it really means. How many of you have heard the term "leave it better than you found"? . . . . Okay, most of you.

Mark, my supervisor, and the kids had this chant about it and it really didn't hit me until my last day today. It's not about leaving the classroom or the garden better than when you arrived.

Here, I thought of two main things:

1 - Have I left The Pittsburgh Project better than when I found it? My first thought was, no, it hasn't changed. I say this in light of the operations and happenings of the program does not change because of me. I feel like I have changed some things while doing my service, but after I leave, those things will go back to the same as when I first arrived. This, I think many can agree, goes back to my own personal issue of maybe not giving myself enough credit. That's another story.

2 - Will I leave this earth better than when I found it? Have I been following God's word to leave this earth better than when I arrived? Psalm 92:14 says "They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green." In other words, before passing on, make sure you pass it on by leaving a legacy.

Have I left a legacy at The Pittsburgh Project? Ehhh....I wouldn't say so much. But I have yet to leave a legacy on this earth. Yet, this is just one example of how my kids have really taught me so much more than I ever thought I could teach them.

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Well gosh darnnit, they have been! And is it a coincidence that I have certainly committed to the Lord? Ooooooooo.

13 months is a long time. It's time to make friends, develop relationships, learn life skills, learn social skills, grow closer with God, and it's a good time to write a chapter in your life you will never lose sight of. Many of the people I have met and/or worked with will forever be tattooed on my heart. I would do insane things for these people, because they weren't just amazing people I've met and got to know...they are my family...my Pittsburgh family. I was new and uncertain of my faith when I walked through the doors of The Pittsburgh Project some 13 months ago. The thing was, they looked passed that. They looked deep into me and embraced me with open arms and genuine smiles. I felt at home. I felt at ease. It just felt right. This is who I am, and they love me for it. For the longest time, I've had a hard time finding this feeling in my own biological family. This is who I am, and I may not even know completely who I am or what that means, but it was okay to The Pittsburgh Project. When I realized this, I wanted to cry...not because I was sad or happy...because it was a feeling like I was Sisyphus for the longest time(punishment part, not killing others part). And this Sisyphus feeling was relieved. I didn't need to be punished for who I am anymore. My roots that I've developed here in Pittsburgh have constantly and continually been intertwining within the people at The Pittsburgh Project. I've grown so close with some of them, and it hurts me to have to leave. At the very end of my last day was staff worshiping. There was a phrase that made me get goosebumps that traveled from my neck, down my spine, to the tips of all my fingers.

We must go, live to feed the hungry

Stand beside the broken

We must go

Stepping forward, keep us from just singing

Move us into action

Wow... I'm ready. It's finally hit me that yes, I am done and ready to close this chapter. Rejoice in what has happened and all the glorious things I was able to write in this chapter in my book. It's time for the next chapter to begin. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for closure of what you don't want to let go, and Prepare yourself for the unknown of what there is to come. I must go, and I must continue to serve in this city, for God. Lord, keep me from just singing (and forgive my horrible singing voice), and move me into action, for you, for me, for the city.

I'm Ready.

5/28/11 -- I'm Not Who I Was

Written while listening to the following song.

Please take a few minutes to listen before reading. It will help you understand :)

It was some time ago when a colleague saw I was having frustrations. When I enlightened him about how my mother was on my mind all the time for all the wrong reasons, he looked me the eyes with interest, sat down and asked about it more in depth. My mother doesn't exactly have the best financial competence in her life right now and it has really taken a hit on her life and our family. Lately, I've felt as if what was left of not only our family but my relationship with my mother was slowly crumbling down, pebble by pebble and that there is no stopping to this eroding relationship. I think this particular staff member could see how confused, frustrated, angry, and lost I was when talking about this.

It wasn't until recently when I was listening to the above mentioned Brandon Heath song that I really took his lasting advice that he gave me before our conversation ended. "Forgive Her". How could I? I thought. She barely accepts my life and to this day I believe she still thinks it is a choice....which is a whole new blog I could get into. Anyway, I just have a hard time thinking of her as a mother in my life the past couple years. How can I forgive someone who has doesn't see me for me. How do I know she will receive this forgiveness and know who it is coming from...meaning I want her to see it is coming from her son, not this kid that she calls once every two months and sees a couple times a year.

"I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I'm not who I was"

I wish I could portray this message to her in such a delicate way to where she could really understand that I still am a little mad, but for bona fide reasons she will never understand. A little on the hurt side? Of course.

"I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was"

I actually think this might be the hardest concept to grasp, personally. The only "recent" photo I have with my mother is from graduation of High School. Before that, it was the occasional forced upon Christmas photo, by other family members. And I do have to laugh at those photos because she was right there...beside me. But I have to wonder...if she ever loved me for just who I was. I often find myself asking "I wonder if she ever did see past who I love and love me for who I am...or if she ever will."

"When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you"

I've found myself blaming a lot of the insecurity of my relationship with my mom on her. Maybe I should stop being so impervious to the fact that she tried? But did she try? What constitutes a real mother being a motherly figure in a child's life and the difference from that and being a biological mother? Most people are grateful to have both. I've struggled to see the first meaning. But I always find myself blaming her when I can't see her as a mother I can go to in hard times, use as a support system, someone who is interested in my life, and who legitimately is involved in my life to who I can look up to.

"I write about love and such

Maybe 'cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was"

I'm sure why exactly I write about my frustrations with her and our relationship and not just confront her about it. Mostly because I know she won't understand. "How do you know that until you actually try", you may ask. I would say "because I've tried too many times to have faith that this time would be any different." But maybe I keep a small part of my heart to believe that I do want this love from her, still. She's not the best mom in the world, but she is my only mom. And for that, I want to be able to have a real mother-son love while I'm still alive, and she is too. I've changed....I just wish she did.

"Well the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to give it out

Maybe that's what love is all about"

It's true. I've learned so much about being a Christian here in Pittsburgh at my site. And the concept of grace is so simple but so complex. It's one of those things that when put in a different perspective, said in a different way, said by someone else, you think "oh....duh."

And just maybe...that is what love is all about. Giving grace out and forgiving. Everyone has a chance to give out grace and it truly is an amazing thing to grasp and understand. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to really grab this concept by the horns and give out this grace to my mother and call it good. I realize that's not how it really goes, but it's the idea of giving her my grace combined with the fear of her not even realizing what I'm trying to do.

Point is, I have changed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, I have change so much in so many different facets; professionally, socially, personally, and as a Christian. I'm definitely not who I was. I pray to God on my trembling knees that my mom will someday realize I'm not who I was and that I am a growing, changing person and just love me for who I am, whatever that is! I have come so far in life in such a short time at a young age. I have accomplished so much in my life that I am proud of and have encountered life situations that no one should go through before the age of 21. But the point is, sure, I've gone through all of that and accomplished so much, but it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to not have the love of a mother there to support me the whole way though. When I get an award or get the privilege to be apart of something great and get recognized for something, there is always a small part in the back of my mind, while smiling, that thinks I wish my mom could see me now. It's not that she can't see me now because of distance. 500 miles seems like a long distance but it's not the distance that is keeping her from seeing me who I am now. It's her eyes, her thoughts, her emotions, her heart that can't seem to see me.

In the meantime, I will continue to develop myself into someone who will be able to look back and say I've come a very long way in life. I've done it with little support. I'm proud of myself... and I wish you will be too someday.

Love You Mom.

Please do the same.

3/28/11

"But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" Matthew 5:39

Today I had to break up a fight. I really hate doing this. As I told them to line up outside, one kid (we'll name him A) was pushing another kid (he shall be named Z). It's nothing new, so I said "stop.." and before I could muster out "..you fools!", they were already striking each other. Immediately, a teacher's aid got ahold of Z and I sprinted to get ahold of A. Another kid, M, was spewing fuel on the fire by calling both A and Z names...I'm pretty sure it was just fun. I mean, if you were 10 and saw a fire, wouldn't it be a little fun to add some gasoline to it?

Anyway, we managed to isolate the two (no easy task by any means) "A" and I had a little chat. I wanted to ask him how he developed so much anger and became so hostile within one simple fight from pushing. There had to be something underneath it. Something has been brushed under the rug too much....and it's beginning to show. Understandably, he refused to share any information with me. After all, I'm not his real teacher anyway. After some probing questions, he told me the more fights he gets in the more angry he gets. He also wanted to tell me that "you win some, you lose some". Really? This can't be the attitude that is being transferred on to the youth. But it is. I asked him where he heard that from and somewhat surprisingly he said his mom. He said that he can't lose any more battles... or he "won't be king."

I don't know his whole story, but I do know enough to know that there is little fatherness in the home and all uncles are in jail. This kid was just suspended from school last week for fighting and now is getting suspended from this program for fighting. There obviously is no initiative at home to fix this behavior...in fact, I will go far enough to say that the home environment fosters the behavior. The school has no interest to find the root of the problems. Why would they...they have hundreds of other students to deal with. Someone needs to invest in this child. Yes, he started a fight today. But what if no one shows him someone cares. When will the next fight occur? When will he finally just lose it because no one was there to listen to him and do something much worse than fighting someone? I can't even count the number of times this kid said "I'm going to kill him" with so....so....so much passion behind his voice. I tried to look him in the eyes, but I couldn't see him. I only saw the eyes of someone who has taken over this child. It wasn't the eyes of the "A" that I know. Something has swallowed up this kid when he gets angry. It's not normal. So if not me, who will take interest in him? Who will invest in this kid when everyone else punishes him and puts him to the side, to deal with the next kid? I just don't know what to do. I want to connect with him and show him the glory of God and see if he has ever picked up a bible.

Many people seem to bypass the verse in the beginning because they seem to imply that we are to just allow people to beat the tar out of us and not resist the physical violence and injury that others put upon us. But that's not it! That's the thing. How do I come across this child and teach the words of Jesus Christ when so many people think "turn the other cheek" just means turning your cheek to get beat even more. God does not give us commands that are impossible to obey. It is so incredibly easy for us to think something God says is impossible to obey. I admit, none of us are great followers of His words. He certainly gives us ones that are difficult and challenges us. Yet, He never gives us ones that are impossible.

All too often, as a new born-again Christian, it's hard for me to concentrate on biblical readings in staff meetings. Not because I'm distracted by the guy doing crossword next to me, but because they are so powerful and so much to take in. Key messages are said in carefully scripted phrases that seem flawless. I've learned that in order to understand what God wants of us, it is important to catch key details. Anytime the Bible gives us a particularly evocative detail about something, we need to pay particular attention. Something, I am still learning...yes, I do mean paying attention. Ever asked me to tell a story, and then you interrupted me, and said "ok, sorry, go on." No...I can't go on...I don't know where I left off....all I know is that you started talking about your mom calling and then OH!!! Ok now I remember.

I'm going to be a great social worker. :/

Anyway, back to my point, there is a vivid key detail in the beginning verse from Matthew that certainly speaks some volume. Jesus said, if someone "strikes you on the right cheek" then you are to turn your face to him in such a way as to present your left cheek. The implication being that he may hit you again. So I had to ask myself..."why the right cheek? Why not the left?"

Picture someone getting hit on the right cheek. What is the most likely way for that to happen? Think....are most people right handed or left handed? Right, Right (:p). Since most people are right handed and would hit someone with their right hand, then the only way for them to hit someone on the right cheek is to do it as a backhanded slap. What Jesus is speaking about here is not letting someone pummel you into a pile of broken bones. Rather, He is talking about taking an insult. A backhanded slap is just that---an insult that challenges you to retaliate. Notice---an insult that challenges you to retaliate. It is an attempt to shame you and get you to either back down in utter humiliation or lash out. It is not only a challenge from the striker to see what the response will be, but a challenge to see your faithfulness to God's words. Deep stuff, I know.

Yet, to turn the other cheek is neither humiliating nor retaliation. When I told "A" to just walk away next time, he responded that other kids will call him a "punk" because he walked away instead of fighting and that kids will make fun of him. I want to tell him that it is rather a response of strength that says, "I will not seek revenge because I am stronger than that". I think it also says, "I will not respond in shame because I have dignity in Christ. My dignity is not found in if I can hit you back and hurt you or not. Rather, my dignity is found in Christ and I will respond in just the way He would." Now, I know no kid would ever say this, but this is the idea and mindset I would love for him to have.

Now, I understand that in today's world, there is rarely a "backhanded" slap. That would just be awkward and weird...because no one really does that to someone's cheek.....do they? There are times when people might give you a verbal backhand, haha, or show great disrespect in some way. But, it is those things that get people all worked up and excited. For example...the silly name calling today. Think of how often you see people arguing and fighting because someone "disrespected" them. Today was a prime example. I mean come one....the ONLY rule in Ecology class is Respect. . . We are definitely going to need to study that rule more.

The boys that were fighting today were not just letting out anger. They were looking for dignity. They want an acknowledgement that they are a person of substance and importance. In this case, I think "A" was looking for dominance and superiority. If someone does not give them that respect and feeling they look for, then for some reason they feel violated. "A", in my opinion, was trying to show that he is stronger, better, more significant than "Z", which is not true....all my students are equal.... :/

So, instead of turning the other cheek, you strike back, preferably with even more force! If that is what you need to do to get respect and dignity, you will never have it in sight. And I need to penetrate this through to these kids. I know it's not in my job description, but it is in my job title---KEYS(Knowledge to empower youth to success). I need to empower these youth to a successful life without violence.

Our dignity comes because we are made in the image of God, correct? Our significance comes because we are called by Jesus to be world changers, yes? Our power and strength comes because our bodies are filled with the Holy Spirit who gives us the ability to receive the insults of others and respond with, am I right? This is how Christ tells us he responded to those who hurled insults at Him.

People like Jackie Robinson knew that they would face insult after insult because of color. Those insults were intended to humiliate and incite an even more violent response (backhand slap!). The hope was that such a response would then justify the impression of the black man as uncivilized. But when the response was a quiet dignity that came from within, it changed the world. Racial barriers began to fall and reconciliation started to take place. Hallelujah!

It is no different for Christians. When we respond to insults with the same kind of vindictiveness then we affirm for the world that Christianity is a shame. But...when we respond in quiet dignity, drawing on the power of Christ, we provoke a response of respect and wonder and we compel people to want to learn more about Jesus, get it?!

Turning the other cheek is not impossible. I want to instill this in the children. But...it is difficult. But when we do respond with the gentle dignity of Jesus, then we bring glory to Him.

:)

3/13/11

Belief.

- A state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.

- Something believed; especially a tenet or body of tenets held by a group.

- Conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence

People have several different beliefs. That's what makes diversity. It would be a sad, dull world if we all believed in all the same things. How would we learn from each other? Everyone's peripheral thoughts and ideals would be so narrow and limited that no one would have creativity. The definition of belief was striking to me. "...habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing". When you ask America what their belief is, what do they tell you? "Oh, I'm Christian". Okay....but what is your belief? "Oh, well, I'm protestant". Typical response, yes? When we ask people what their belief is, naturally we tell them the one thing we believe in that is most important to them---their religion. Not who they believe in, but rather...what they believe in. If you walk dahntahn and ask someone what their belief is they are not going to say "God"....or I wouldn't think they would. Chances are they will say "My belief? I believe God created [insert biblical verses] and that He shall rise again and [insert more biblical verses] and that one day we will all be [insert inspirational biblical verse]. That's my belief" Okay....so maybe not that extreme. But point being, especially in America, our substance of belief has come to what we think is the single most important object that we have come to "believe" is what shapes us. And for many, it is our religion. Or is it God? Or is our spirituality? [GREAT segue coming up!]

ONE: Per earlier discussion, beliefs are meant to challenge one another. Thus...I don't care if you disagree with any of these points. In fact... I wish some of you will disagree! (hence the whole point of the prompting picture).

So, controversial belief numero uno is.... Religion is not Spirituality; Spirituality is not Religion. A peculiar fact is that we don't see this whole notion of "spirituality" outside of America. Why are people in Europe and other countries religious or irreligious and yet Americans have this self-developed third category called "spiritual"? Are Americans special? Or is it rather that distinction is really just a product of American culture?

Why, of course! The term itself came to be used in the 60s when there were widespread revolts against every form of organized authority (surprise surprise) including "organized religion". Every establishment and system of authority was thought to be corrupt and evil, including those which were religious. Ah, but of course, Americans weren't prepared to abandon religion entirely (would it really be America if we gave up so easily). So, hence the creation of a new category which was still religious, but no longer included the same traditional authority or evil supremacy---Spirituality.

Many people can surely be spiritual and not have any religious affiliations. Well...take me for example! Spiritual? Yes. Religious? Ehhh....uh....errrrr.......not really. I don't really affiliate myself to one organized religion. I don't feel I need to. I am spiritual and may believe in some of the core values that a "religious" person may believe. I still have a belief. I have a belief that God is our savior--the same belief a protestant, baptist, catholic, etc. believe. Sure, religious people can be spiritual...but I've seen many people be "religious" and not actually spiritual. To fathom the depths of the Scriptures of the various religions across the world, one would need to dive deep into the pearls of wisdom contained in the various sacred Scriptures of the world. Spirituality is, in my opinion of course, oblivious of a religion. In terms of spirituality, one needs not to go to a mosque, temple or a church in search of God. I can stay home on Sunday and still find God in my life. It is contemplation and contemplation only which shall lead someone to the Almighty God... Not what organized religion tells you to do to find Him. I believe spirituality and religion and separate, and that one can live without religion but not without spirituality. Spirituality forms the central core of every living being. It is the spirit within every human being that we exist as physical form on this planet (yes, even that douche that you think doesn't have a soul!). We may or may not indulge ourselves in understanding religion or spirituality, but inherently every living person pursues some kind of spirituality in every manifestation they desire. Spirituality is a fundamental of life which cannot be ignored. Every soul has spirit. I'm not talking no cheerleader, loud, obnoxious spirit, but the very spirit that is dormant in ourselves. It's there....and its not religion. Even religious people have spirit...but to mix the two and call them one is just foolish, yo.

TWO: Being gay is not a choice. I don't care what you think. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.... If I had the choice to live a straight life versus a gay life....what do you think any normal person would choose? Would any person, religious or not, really pick of lifestyle full of ridicule, stereotypes, and negative stigma?

So a guy has a substantial amount of money (point being, money isn't an object) and is looking to buy a car. He has the choice to buy a nice looking new, modern, sporty, solid car....or a very different looking car that a majority of society would deem unnatural or too different. Surely, he would get many weird looks if he chose that second car. Perhaps even given stereotypes if he picked that car. He knows he could choose the first nice-looking car and fit in with the rest of America. That would be an easy choice. But why on earth would he choose the second car that would perhaps make life harder on him purely based on society's reaction to the car?

Well...why would I choose this lifestyle when, if I did in fact have a choice, could choose a straight lifestyle where I could go down the street holding hands with a women and not get any different looks or remarks about it. Why would I choose a life where I can't even walk down the street too close or god-forbid holding hands with another guy and get a negative feedback from society.

I've told people this before, and again, I will say it for the purpose of this message: I sometimes wished I was dead instead of having to life this gay lifestyle forever. Don't you go calling no suicide hotline, that was in the past. In all seriousness, I can't stress enough of the frustration of the notions regarding choosing this lifestyle. Don't even get me started on "just praying about it". No...I'm going to stop there before I go on a long...long tangent. Honestly, however, I did wish a lot that I would just be stroked dead instead of living this socially unacceptable lifestyle. This isn't just something I can choose and if I don't like it I can return it, or try something else. There is no receipt for being gay--no exchanges, no returns.

The definition of belief stating "Conviction of the truth of some statement . . . especially when based on examination of evidence" Well...I wasn't going to go there, but if I must. To all who have held us up against the wall telling us it's not how we were born and God wouldn't make mistakes like us... tell me what the genetic leads scientists are finding are all about. It is difficult to make this claim with research being in its infancy stages, but it is definitely a start in the conversation about the "gay gene". Whether you believe this gay gene or not, it is definitely something is gaining attention, and I do hope that it will prevail and prove once and for all that people don't just choose a lifestyle of mockery, pillory, bashing, stigmas, and eternal damnation. We just don't. What I would give to have a normal lifestyle and to have a normal family where other families wouldn't look at my family as different....and where my children won't have to worry about what their friends would think about them having two dads. I would never intentionally make my child go through a life of fear from what his peers may think of his family. How could I live knowing my child is too scared to bring anyone over because he doesn't know what to say when they ask where his mom is. In fact...this is why I struggle to reason having children. But...that is far into the future and a whole new discussion.

I'll close with this: I'm sick and tired of people holding their beliefs too close to their heart (and minds) to the point of being so totally oblivious to other beliefs. There is no ultimate supreme belief than another. Different beliefs are what makes us different from one another and makes us think outside of our own perspectives that we've been shaped to think as. I'm open to all discussion on different beliefs, but when it comes to criticizing beliefs rather than intelligently arguing on them, it becomes risible and suddenly not worth the effort to get into. Take these words as you wish, but remember that your beliefs can be far different than mine...but guess what, that's okay. A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end, he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with. I believe attempting to fathom all of the different beliefs is part of reconciliation of knowing our differences. In fact, I'd go as far as to say the very purpose of existence is to reconcile the strong opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common. Which is okay! People don't understand that new opinions are controversial and worth the discussion, because they are not common. Lastly, if a man isn't willing to take some risk for his opinions, either his opinions are no good.....or he's no good.