I'm lying in bed wondering two things: how do I still have the little energy mustered up to do this blog and how hard did I drop the ball on number 27 of the 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself?
The article states to "Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can't be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of."
Let me be real. Let me be really real. I haven't treated friends and family the closest to me the best. It's not that I take them for granted. It's not that I take relationships and friendships for granted. I learned that already. There's nothing in my life that has hurt the most than losing my closest partner and friend to suicide. Until you have experienced this, you can't fully comprehend the stinging, knife stabbing in the heart feeling that I think of when I think of losing someone close, again. Perhaps many of you reading this think in the back of your mind that I do take you for granted. I don't. Many of you have been a significant column of my being when I was falling down. I don't even need to ask for help or wonder if I'm going to crumble down to the ground; you're a permanent column of support. And I need to acknowledge and respect that more.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I get so wrapped up in my life trying to please so many other people that I don't realize the people I should be focused on more are right in front and right behind me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me. And yet, I somehow, for some reason, funnel all my compassion for others...most of the time people I don't know. I'd like to say this due to my ultra-service oriented mind and that I get too wrapped up into this, but it just doesn't cut it. There's no excuse for this and it simply isn't responsible for me to think of any warrant for this behavior. I'm taking full shame of the way I treat my closest family and friends.
Many of you friends have been a crucial part in my transition into Pittsburgh. Many of you are the reason I still have some guilt for leaving Michigan. You all think I'm living the life in Pittsburgh and that I couldn't be happier leaving the Mitten. Don't fool yourselves! Yes, I'm quite happy here and happy with my education and professional standing. Yes, I do think Pittsburgh is a much more pleasant place to live than West Michigan for multiple reasons (even if GR is rated "gayer" than Pittsburgh). But realize that some of you still in Michigan are the exact reasons I still occasionally have the "what if" thought.
Family, where do I start? The title of this lesson is "start actively nurturing your most important relationships". There's no doubt I've failed you, family. I also realize that this can't be discussed about family without talking about forgiveness, but that's a whole new blog. I'm not sure if I can ever really forgive my mother for some of the things she's done (or hasn't done) but I can come close enough to realize even though she may not realize how much she hurt me, I can move on and start to mend my half of the deal. Point is, I haven't hardly done enough to start nurturing the relationship I have with you all. I'm sick of hearing the cliche "life is so short" and wondering what if.......what if this is how our relationship ends if something happens tomorrow. That being said, I can't stand knowing if God-forbid something happened suddenly, the relationship I have with my family is embarrassing I wouldn' know what to do with myself. I'm so shameful how much I complain and complain about some of the dysfunction and lack of communication we have sometimes. This is my family. We are far from any resemblance of a typical American suburban family. But I don't care, really. If I don't owe it you, I owe it to myself to try and hold on to what's left of our relationship. I'm sorry I've been a bitter son and brother.
In one of my social work classes this week the discussion centered around the ethics and issues Social Workers around the country are held accountable to. Some of these were respect, social justice, worth and dignity, discrimination, and the one that struck me the most "importance of human relationships". We were asked to take a look at the 10 or so topics/themes and see which one stood out to us the most. It could be something we want to work on, something we are great in, or just something interesting to us. We were told to pick one and explain what that meant to us, and then ask the class to hold us to be accountable to that topic/theme for the semester--to be more competent and loyal to that Social Work issue/ethic. I chose "importance of human relationships". I want to be held accountable to uphold this ethic of valuing and respecting every human relationship I hold true to. So many people enter and leave my life on a daily and weekly basis. Which one of those are going to mean something to me in the future? The human body needs relationships. It physically needs interaction with other human beings to survive. Perhaps it's a sign from the almighty man Himself, but the fact that we need relationships is obviously taken for granted. So then, we should decide what relationships are worth developing. I decided I want to be held accountable on the relationships I make with people and those I invest interest and time in. My time is so sparse these days and those I choose to invest my time with should say a lot.
I'm not sure exactly where this leaves me. There's a lot to this whole idea of "nurturing" your most important relationships. Then there's the whole meaning of what is our most important relationships? Does it mean those that have had the most impact on my life? The ones that mean the most to me in the future? Or the ones that I see most beneficial are right now? All of the above? I don't know. And I don't know how much repairing I can/should do before I even begin nurturing some of those. You can nurture something that's still trying to heal all you want, but unless you put some serious neosporin on that thing, there's plenty of work to be done to some important relationships before the assumption of nurturing it begins. Baby steps. We'll get there. And to those who haven't already suffered my selfishness from my selflessness, please be patient as I figure this out. Things will work out. Everything will be okay.
Baby steps.
Let me ask you this:
ReplyDeleteCould some people who are part of your most important relationships fall under all three of the categories? Are they the ones you should nurture the most? Do they nurture you back?
You're a great brother and son (and uncle). Everyone is proud of you. I've heard it out of all of their mouths. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep your positive outlook on life and you will do fine things and have great relationships.
This is a very thoughtful blog like always. You make everyone who reads your blog think and relate it to their own lives. Maybe even influence some of them to evaluate their lives and actions.
You're right. Things will work out. Everything will be okay. Everything happens for a reason.
My thoughts...baby steps are hard. But you already knew that's how I feel.