Dear Shane . . .

It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one.

We all know that our time in this world is limited,

and that eventually all of us will end up 

underneath some sheet, never to wake up.

And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.

It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark,

and thinking there is one more stair than there is.

Your foot falls down, through the air,

And there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust

the way you thought of things.

Dear Shane . . . 

It's been six years.  2,190 days. Yet sometimes the pain is still so surreal that I feel like you still have a grip on my heart. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive you for taking the easy way out. Because as much as you may think you got away, you sure as hell didn't. You changed my life and left me to deal with your problems. Yes, I blamed myself for your death. For years. Many years. But I write you six years later, to tell you I will no longer carry this burden upon my shoulders. I'm not upset with you, and I may not understand you and your actions, but it is my responsibility to let you know that I am letting go of something that has changed who I am, how I act towards people, my personality, my personal intimate boundaries, and overall, what has made me who I am today. I know you are still with me in spirit. I feel your presence sometimes, like a cold chill that resonates your whole body in a split second. I still hear your voice sometimes like a whistle in the wind on a quiet fall day. But I've found something. Something you couldn't give me while you were alive. It's a true love that promises to be by my side for as long as we live. And although it was you who taught me how to love, it is also you who taught me how to deal with a broken heart. This letter is for you. You should know I've changed. You should know you have changed my thought process on life, death and grief. And you should know... although I am finally moving on, I'll still remember you. 

I don't know if you heard me when I talked to you. Multiple times a year I'd find an empty field or open lawn in a park, lay down, look up at the stars and talk to you. I would spend many nights talking to the sky, weeping, sometimes breathing uncontrollably asking you to just explain yourself. When I doubted everything in my life, everything I believed in, it was you who I turned to. I told you all my secrets, all my desires, all my reservations, all my frustrations. Take it as you will, but it's the only thing I could do when you left me with nothing. 

You've taught me a lot. You've changed me a lot. Ever since you left, I've never loved the same. I started to put everyone first. You've taught me the importance of taking care of others. I often think if I didn't take care of you, perhaps you'd still be alive and I could have saved your life. It's a train of thought that still creeps on my mind like an annoying tick that doesn't seem to go away. A painful reminder, of what could have been. Ever since, I've made it my mission to ensure others welfare before mine. I can take care of myself, but it was a matter of keeping those who I care about close to me and never letting them think I don't care. You taught me love is more than just me and someone else. Love is more. Love is a sacrifice. Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself. Love is selfless. But you also showed me love is selfish. 

I thank you for providing guidance long after you've left. But, I've taken this too far. When does it become self-harmful to care for others so much. Perhaps when you start to lose focus on the way you used to be, when you were happy. Genuinely happy. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to be so perfect and make things so great for other people that I get so frustrated at myself for not providing the best. The best romantic evening. The best surprise. The best school work. The best performance at work. 

That leads me to another lesson...You've taught me to be the best I can be, and nothing less. It's one thing I can never forget that you wrote to me. In that small letter you left in your pale, cold hands, you told me never settle for less than what I deserve and what I can do. And I haven't. I put everything forward that I can, for the most part. Because of you, I made changes in my life. I wasn't happy with life in Michigan, and you knew that, so I asked you. And one night I felt you answer. It is because of you that I'm here, in Pittsburgh, with a life I couldn't have ever dreamed of. 

Yet, being the best I can be has also led me to hating you. Not because of what you did, but because being the best I can be, means letting you down when I'm not. When things aren't perfect, I'm led to blame things on you. I can't tell other people that. But that's how I feel. I try my damn best to do everything right and be the best at what I do. And instead of being a normal person and accepting faults  and flaws sometimes, I get enraged inside. Because this isn't just a personal failure, it's showing you I'm not good enough. I know it is a little confusing and may not make sense. And truthfully, I don't think about it this way every time I don't succeed at something. It's a natural instinct for me to kick myself so hard for me to feel some internal pain when I don't do something perfect, whether for me or someone else. You've taught me of the taunting consequences that can happen when I don't try my best and put everything I have into something I care about. I sure as hell put you first in my life, but I didn't put everything I had into caring about you. And that's my fault. But it's not my fault you are dead. So, instead of slowly killing my own dignity or taking frustration out on other people, I'm going to accept that even when I try to succeed at something and it doesn't turn out the way I had hoped, it's not always my fault. 

It's weird how it happens. The grief over you has really gave me opportunities to explore things I may never have had to do. See, grief makes us see things in a different light. It made me want things I'd never thought about. It derailed all my plans. It made me do and feel things I never thought was possible, especially at an adolescent life stage. It changed me. People think grief is a choice--but it really isn't. It's something that's thrust on us. There is no way we can possibly choose to feel things we never imagined possible. Think about skydiving. If you've never gone, you have no idea how it feels to jump out of plane and fall through the sky at 200 mph. You can't imagine the feeling. But once you go, it's a feeling you get that you can't explain and never thought you could feel. It's so much more than your heart dropping to your stomach. No matter how hard you try, there's no way you can change that feeling. It's in the moment, and it's a simple cause and affect relationship. It's a feeling that strikes your entire body. 

I thought grief was a quiet, melancholy, a sweet nostalgia, a pervasive sadness. But, for me, grief was not exactly those things when you died. It is hard to describe what it actually feels like and what someone goes through. As a social worker, I get asked a lot if I have gone through something someone is going through, to know how it really feels what they are going through. Often, my response was "A doctor doesn't need to have a heart attack in order to treat one." It wasn't really a true heart-felt answer, it was more or less an answer to avoid telling others of my feelings of my experience. It's not professional to bring your own feelings into therapy. But the fact is, it helps to feel the pain, the angst, heart-stabbing, body-numbing, emptiness others feel to try and console them. I think a good therapist who counsels someone in grief should have gone through a loss like they have to try and help someone. God knows there are enough of us out there who legitimately know grief. And now...I am one of them. This is the real reason I do not want to get into clinical psychotherapy social work. I tell people it's just not for me, or I don't like it. And I'd rather focus on organizational social work. It's not all truthful. I just know that if I can't even handle my own grief right, there's no way in hell I'll be able to help other people. Textbooks don't teach you that stuff. 

You taught me love comes with grief. It's inevitable. Before people fall in love, they haven't a clue of its true power, and then it washes over them, like a tsunami towering over you. You are so small, and as this tsunami wave comes crashing over you, you stare it, numb, heart out of your chest, paralyzed. And then it washes over you in a life-changing moment. Before you fall into grief, you haven't a clue of its true power as well. But it too, washes over you in a life-changing moment, and all but drowns you. Even though I've experienced so much of what grief does to a person, I still can't believe its power. It's everlasting power that can drench you. The way grief reflects falling in love as in a very dark mirror, there has to be a hormonal component. I know stress releases hormones, as does shock. Adrenaline courses through your body, and there are changes in brain chemistry, that produces hormones. Your immune system goes on hold, your body processes it's loss. Grief is felt by your whole body, just as love is. Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow. But this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them. 

Despite the bitterness I posses in this blog to you Shane, you were my lover and you have taught me to share my heart with so many people. You also taught me to appreciate the small things in life. 

Grief, such as the one you provided to me, can destroy someone...it can also focus someone. I could have decided this relationship was all for nothing because you ended it in your own death, and left me alone. However, somehow I've realized that every moment of it had more meaning than I dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared me, so I just lived, and took for granted the love and laughter of each day. And you know what, it didn't allow myself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it was finally over, and I was alone, I began to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just a day of being lazy together, not just watching sunsets together, not just washing dishes, or worrying over the high electric bill. It was everything. It was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life. And that is why I've decided to move on from you, what we had, and the grief. I've found someone to fill my happiness beyond the capacity imaginable in my being. 

Sometimes touching the ring you gave me enhances the feeling that you are not here. It's the only physical thing I have left from you. It represents the mental pictures, the good times, the fights, the phone calls, but also the drugs, the alcohol, the neglect, the self-harm. I can't wear it anymore. The ring feels too heavy on my finger and I want you to have it back. When I take it off, it feels like I'm abandoning you, and I feel guilty. But it's not right and it's not helping. I see, hear and feel you crying, hurting, holding your chest when I have it off. But it's about time you feel some pain, if it's a fraction of what I've felt for the last several years. 

Your absence has transcended well in my life as a pure lost in love and possibility. But I can no longer keep wondering if we would have been together, or what would have happened. But you still come to a shock randomly. At times when I think about how long it has been, it feels like a blow to the chest, and almost restricts my breathing. Then I think...but you are dead. I am alive. Very alive. And you can not console me, you can not grieve with me, you can not make me feel better. So I move on. 

I don't know if you felt the pain I felt when you left. It's a strange concept to know you were there with me in spirit, but unknown if you felt the feelings I felt. Looking at your burial was the hardest thing I've had to do. The only thing you can think of is wondering how to do things alone that you did together. How am I to watch a sunset with nobody beside me, with no hand to hold. I thought of the tears sliding down my cheeks as memories leaving our relationship. Sleepless nights, alcohol filled days, and mornings of sitting on the edge of bridges all brought me to realize grief can be hell. 

Six years pass where I've felt guilty. I've held on to a feeling of unfinished business. As if I should have properly ended our love. But that was your fault, not mine. And I refuse to take blame for it. But just as quickly, I feel like an awful person feeling angry towards you, when you are not here to defend yourself. 

Shane, they tell me grief is a cut that never completely heals. You can still see, all the time. Sometimes, it's a reminder of the past and the lost. But most days it doesn't bother me. Some days it feels like the cut is killing me, like horrible infectious disease that east away at your tissues. Every year on this day I feel like taking a knife to that cut and just ending that damn wound that you created, thinking you took the easy way, why the hell can't I. But then I think about the tears cascading down the faces of loved ones I know, and know I could never put that upon them just as you did. It hurts too much. If they are right, if grief is a cut that will never heal, I'm willing to leave this cut, sometimes visible, and move on with my life than trying to tend to it. It's been six years, it's had plenty of time to heal on its own. If not by then, it never will. 

No longer will I be blind from what's holding me back. No longer will I carry an unnecessary weight pushing me down. No longer will I blame myself for what could have been. No longer will I take moments for granted and think nothing could happen. And no longer will I wait for your approval to be happy again. 

You can not die of grief, though it feels as if you can. A heart does not actually break, though sometimes your chest aches as if it is breaking. Grief dims with time. It is the way of things. There comes a day when you smile again, and you feel like a traitor. How dare I feel happy. How dare I be glad in a world where my lover is no more. And then you cry fresh tears, because you do not miss him as much as you once did, and giving up your grief is another kind of death. 

2013: Reconciliation Of Myself

It's been so long since I've actually came back on and wrote a blog post. It's interesting and disappointing to me that I've lost the initiative to write on this anymore. Hell, I'm not even sure anyone actually reads this, but I didn't start this 2 years ago so that I could grow a fan base. No, I started this for me. And it was supposed to serve as a special instrument for me to find myself, reflect on myself and eventually grow myself from what I've been through.

You see, I started this while my first couple weeks arriving in Pittsburgh. I knew right away this journey wasn't going to be easy and thought that if I did get over this, it would be a unique way to look back and say "I overcame that". I wasn't sure how long the journey would last or if I would make it through. I thought I was going to quit, go back to Michigan and go back to the drafting board of my life.

Point is, I've really found characteristics of myself today that I've found I learned throughout my time here and to look back and read about the times I was confused, proud, sad, and just plain wanted to give up really brings happiness in my life. It's no excuse to say "I just didn't have time to keep up with this". So, I wanted to start back off on the right foot. I have some Things To Stop Doing in the new year.

Lately, I've had some disturbing murder dreams. Not sure where this came from. I've never had them before. So, I decided to think about if something/someone is trying to tell me something. Jeremy, if you died tonight, would you do anything different? The last thing I want to do is to think I could have pursued that one passion, opened up that center or business, or spent more time with my loved ones. But one day that time will be long passed, and the only thing left to do will be to think about what is done-what is set in stone. Oh, what I would do to get those moments back in my life right away--to repaint the past, take chances, spit in the face of fear, share my love, and live with no regrets. I like to close my eyes, imagine its my last moments, open my eyes, and think about what I see...its the same everytime. Life and opportunity. There's still time, and I don't want to regret or waste it. Now, if you know me well enough, you know I'm not too much of a pessimist, so why am I doing things you should stop doing? Because sometimes the smartest way to get ahead is to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Number 1 -- Stop settling for the same ole' damn routine
There are so many people today that live daily with unhappy circumstances. I'm not talking about people who are unhappy everyday. I'm talking about people who are literally in unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation. I've been told an impressive amount of times that there's nothing they can do about it. That there's no other option. That there's no help out there for them. That's exactly how I felt when I was 12 years old cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my older two siblings, doing laundry, cleaning this 2-bedroom apartment and lying to the landlord about rent because my mother was only home about 1 hour every two weeks to check on us and drop off food. That's also how I felt when the love of my life sucked me into his drug destroying life only to watch him slowly slide away from life because he was so miserable with his life.

See, these people believe that conforming to their current circumstances will eventually lead to a life of comfort, security, and peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to their spirit. Every once in a while I sit back and think about moving to Seattle, or NYC, or DC for a great job. Then I apply for that job, and I get offered that job. And then I turn the offer down. People usually look at me weird, slap me in the face and say "what the hell are you doing?". It's a legitimate question. I get sick of the same routine. I find ways to get out of my comfort zone and I eventually realize it wasn't the actual day to day routine I was sick of. I just needed a change of spirit. I go skydiving, I go kayaking, I ride my motorcycle for hours just getting lost, thinking. The very basic core of the human spirit is a natural passion for exploration and growth. Go explore it. A spirit is never stagnant. It's never dull. It's never consistent. This growth comes directly from our encounters with new experiences; and hence there is no greater destination in life than to have an endlessly changing horizon. No, this doesn't mean change your routine every day. And remember, this doesn't mean your physical routine of getting up, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, watching tv, going to bed. It's deeper than that. It's how you feel about your life and what you do with your spirit to control that feeling. It's the changing of how you interpret the day. How you interpret your life. This ever changing horizon---for each day to have a new and different sun. Because after all, every single day is different. Different things happen, we're in a different place in our lives, everyday. So why think and treat it the same as every other day?
I encourage you to read "A New Earth"

2 -- Stop Ignoring My Education

The Lord may strike my soul down if I am lying about how much I am ready to quit school. I am 23 years old and still have not finished my bachelor degree in a field where I'll never be able to pay off the debt to get the degree. Great system. Ok, so its a little pessimistic. But in complete disclosure, I've put my education on the back burner and have put just enough effort in to make it by--to get a sufficient grade. I love some of stuff I learn, but I hate most of the stuff I'm forced to learn that will never serve me right in the future, or that I've already mastered in real life experiences. Love it or hate it, being in school makes personal growth easier. Did I just say that? So, I've come to realize I probably need to get a degree...not so much so that I can get a job, more or less so everyone will stop telling me I need a degree. Albeit, I will agree you learn some things that are pretty fascinating and interesting. You learn things that you never would have taught yourself otherwise. Sure, it's the most expensive lectures you'll ever pay for in your life, but I find myself thinking sometimes how much I've grown and what my competence as an empathetic person would be had I not gone this path....this very...expensive path.

So, you're put in situations designed specifically to challenge your mind. Anyone who thinks college is stupid because its hard is a fool. People don't get Masters degrees because they made it through 6 years of "easy A" classes. But, once your school days are over, the lectures and headaches subside, and the assignments have stopped, no one is forcing you to learn anymore. I think about those who drop out of college and think "now what are you going to do?". Then I think about how I was almost one of those fools I criticize. It is so easy to stall without the rituals of active schooling. When I took a year off from school, I actually felt like I was not only stalling in learning but going retroactive! Anyway, with the stalling, you gradually slip into a pattern of educational idleness--many people do. I sure as hell did. In fact..I think I still am :p. As young adults, and adults in general I suppose, there is no curriculum to follow, except the goals we set for ourselves. Even though no one is actively challenging you, you must still choose to challenge yourself everyday.

3. Stop Trying To Transform The People Around Me

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is. When you seek love, you don't seek love from someone who loves "some parts" of you. You seek love from someone who loves you for all of who you are. And, in all honestly, I seek love from someone who doesn't just love me for all of who I am, but loves me even in my flaws. When someone can see into (not past) my flaws and at my lowest point, that's what we aim for.

Sometimes we try to be sculptors of other people we care about, constantly carving out of others the image we want them to be. We get this idea that we can manipulate people, and that it's ok, to make them completely how we would want them.  We make them what we think we need, love, or desire. But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their fair benefit and ours, and always end up in disappointment. Breakups always end up in thinking "what went wrong?". Often, it's the fact that they loved most of them, and then tried to sculpt the rest of the person. But you cant sculpt someone! If you do, it's like that sand at the beach between the shore and the water line. You can sculpt all you want, but the water is going to come back, wash it away, and it's the same piece of flat sand it was once before you started carving away at it like a thanksgiving ham. Try all you want, that water is going to keep coming and keep washing away. Then we get disappointed...because it does not fit them. The beginning of love is to let those we care about be perfectly themselves, and not to distort them to fit our own image. It's not even about those we LOVE, its about everyone we care about. You don't have to like ALL of your friend, and you don't have to. But trying to change them into something they are not is never going to end well. Accept who they are, how they are, and understand the limitations of the friendship. If you're missing something in a friend, find another one! Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. And that, my friend, is not a healthy image.

4. Stop Numbing Myself

"Numbing" as I put it, is any activity that you use to desensitize your feelings so that you don't experience vulnerability or hurt. Guilty. So are you, and everyone else. We all do it to avoid paint. And in some theory, that's okay. But I often find myself forcing to numb some things so that I don't show emotion or vulnerability. The last thing I want is to seem dependent upon someone and weak. Now, I know, as a social worker, that by showing emotion and vulnerability doesn't make you weak. But by numbing myself to vulnerability, I also numb myself to love, belonging, creativity, and empathy. Remember, love is crazy and love is scary. Love is risky. Love is unsafe. Love isn't for the faint of heart. Love takes courage. (you get the point?). So, I've come to realize that I've really put others at risk when I numb myself. See earlier blog about calluses on the heart. I'm not going to change overnight or over a month or even a year. It's something I've always been trained to do. It's engraved in my mentality. But most importantly, love and fear can't coexist. And It's something, especially now, that I have to take into consideration. For all of my relationships, I've attempted to numb myself to certain things in a relationship that end up biting me in the ass later. I always have a wall up about something in the past that hinders growth in the present. But now that I've found a whole new level of love that I never knew could even exist, It's time to stop numbing myself in order to try and keep this love. So, I'll be willing to let myself go, even though it will be one of the hardest emotional moves I make. But most of all,  Love means giving someone the opportunity to break your heart, but trusting them not to.

5. Stop Belittling My Potential

So theres one thing I've learned about self confidence and potential: you are a victim of the rules and beliefs you live by. Indeed, but you are what you choose today, not what you have chosen before. I've heard from many people "You don't give yourself enough credit". Credit doesn't mean shit if you just give it to yourself. Reluctantly, I do believe most of it is from self confidence, or lack there of. So, why not let today be the day you love yourself enough to no longer just dream of a better life. I know I'm not the only one to think about this. Let today be the day you create it. Easier said than done? I don't think so. I mean, of course it's not going to be easy. Life in general isn't easy. And those who think it is, end up taking the easy way out. So don't hope for an easy way out. Look inside yourself for the strength you  need to achieve your dreams, and then take action. I won't let myself be my own worst enemy about my potential. I'm going to start making my own potential great and making it happen. Every day is an opportunity to make it happen.

6. Stop Wasting Time

I saw a 20/20 special the other day and they talked about how Doctors are reinventing the way they explain certain medical terms. Then to put it in perspective, they asked primary school children how they would describe certain words. They were to describe the word "time". Very interesting to think about. It's often said time is a precious commodity. It is for many people. For some, they waste it and don't give two shits what they do with it. See, I think of you being a customer of a bank called TIME. Every morning, you are credited with 86,400 seconds. Every night, it writes off, as a loss, whatever remainder you have failed to invest to good purpose. It doesn't carry over to a balance. It's the same 86,400 seconds. It allows no overdraft. Each day, it opens a new account for you with the same deposit. And, every night it burns the remains away. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. Do what you want with your commodity. There is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow, and unfortunately, there is no borrowing :) . I've learned that it's really up to you to live in the present on today's deposits. I don't want to waste any time trying to fix something I can't, or wading in the still of time wondering why my life isn't what I want it to be and that everything sucks. I'm going to try and invest it so as to get from it the upmost in health, happiness, and success. You and I are making withdrawals right this second, so make them count! If that means stop reading this long blog then do it!

7. Stop Getting Sucked Into Needless Drama

Oh Boy, here's the big one! I really need to stop finding myself in unnecessary drama that involves me or not. Drama hardly ever produces anything significant and worthwhile spending time, energy and threatening of relationships and friendships. If anything, those "lessons" could easily  have been found through simple civil dialogue. No matter how badly people treat you, never drop down to their level. I need to really master this competency. Just know you're better off without their negativity in your life and walk away. I've tried catching myself in the moment, but sometimes that negativity is like a black hole and you are sucked into it. Unless you fight the urge and show the strength to not stoop down, you're going to absorb that negativity and possibly just pass it along to others. If you attach yourself to their negative behavior, it brings you down to their level...which is the same reason you get upset with them in the first place. Now you're stuck. There honestly comes a time when you have to just let go of all the pointless drama and people who create it. If you consistently find yourself in needles drama by the same people, it's time to leave them before it eats you up piece by piece, time by time, and surround yourself with people who make you smile so big that you forget the bad. Then, focus solely on the good. Life truly is too short for anything less.

8. Stop Focusing on the Negative

Overall, I'm usually pretty good about seeing the bright side of things and people. But everyone has flaws and I'm not afraid to admit of my imperfections of being negative when it gets ahold of me. Anyone can see that focusing on the negative is imperfect. It takes a wise person to see how it's perfect. Anyone can describe how it's getting worse; it takes a wise person to describe how it can be joyfully improved. I'm not talking about being one of those hyper-annoying optimistic people. It just takes time and practice to see the good in the bad. Anyone can feel overwhelmed and give up; it takes a wise person to take compassionate, persistent and committed action every day. Wisdom is this simple. so start being wise with your perspective. It's always easier to see the negative in something and point something out that doesn't fit well. But it takes practice to make things better and to see the good in something or someone. Mind over matter--if you think it, if you act it, you are it.

9. Stop Stressing Over What Could Have Been

Admittedly, this is one of the hardest ones for me to do and have been in the past. It's one of the hardest things for me to reconcile with to know that there is nothing you can do to help change the past, but only things to do in the future to prevent a past like that. I have to keep reminding myself no sense in worrying about the past. Because, the chances are if it should have been, it would have been. And that's what hurts to hear. Every time. What should have been, would have been. Its the sour sounds of honesty and reality. Shit happens. Change happens. Happiness is about trusting that what has happened has long-term positive rather than negative results. I think for most things I have come to realize this. Trust that life is happening for you, not to you. You're not a hopeless target for life. You are given opportunities and it's up to you to do something with it. This "inverse paranoia" of believing everything is for the greater good helps the human spirit face and welcome life's changes cheerfully. Give it a try; it makes all the difference.

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It's never easy to accept our flaws. It's even harder to reconcile and find ways to make our lives better through accepting our faults. It's ok to be imperfect. It's not okay to not do something about it. Self reconciliation is a process. There's no textbook for it. No cookie cutter to get you through it. Just as every person is different, so are the methods to identifying what works. Most of these things that we should stop doing to enhance our lives is about trust in ourselves and others. We need to trust ourselves that taking a risk will produce happiness, balance, and confidence. Trust in others that they will stand by you. Forget new year resolutions, these resolutions should be carried through and through all the time. It's something I'm working on, one step, one person, one day at a time.

5 Years, 1 Callus

Look at your hands. Your elbows. Feet. Are there scars? Wounds from the past? These markings on our body are a gentle, sometimes painful, reminder of our past. It is one of the few physical keepsakes that tell a story from our past. A visual reminder that stays with us. I have scars all over myself. For most, I have no idea of the wound that caused them. Those memories are long faded. However, for others, both tiny and...well..not so tiny, I can recall exactly the injury that caused them, no matter how long ago it happened. All of the scars have proven that the wounds that caused them have healed. Now, some of the wounds healed quite nicely and quickly. Some, however, took much longer. They required special attention and care, and patience. But they healed. You know, all of these scars have a story. They also have another thing in common...and that is, not a single one of them hurts. The remnant of the wound still persists. It's there. You can't rid the scar of the wound. But the wound itself has healed.

And you know...they say "Time Heals All Wounds." Do they? I don't think so. I honestly hate when people say "give it time", "all things heal with time". It's as if you are saying "just sit back and in time you'll no longer have the sadness, grief, anguish, guilt, anger, yearning, and fear you are feeling now.
These feelings we come across don't just fade away. We come across these feelings for a specific reason. These feelings that cause wounds come to us to challenge our emotions. To test us. What pisses us off? What breaks us down emotionally? What makes us anxious? These challenges makes us (or keeps us) in tune to ourselves. They check us in with our emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviors. But this whole notion of letting it pass with time doesn't make sense to me. I'll tell you why.

Give it some time. How long? How long am I supposed to let this wound heal over time before I start to worry if it is something much more serious and complicated than I originally thought? A week? Couple weeks? Months? Two, Five, Ten, years? I still have feelings of anguish, anger, sadness, and guilt from 5 years ago. Am I to simply relinquish these feelings that burrow beneath my heart over a period of time and just wait for this time to alleviate this feeling? Absolutely not, I say.

If so, why doesn't this apply to the rest of our lives? After all, don't most good things in our life require effort? We do have to look for a new job. However, there are some people that do think time will alleviate that problem.... We do have to search for that right house to buy. And Lord knows we have to study to make it through college. Although, some students may grasp this concept and depend on the notion of letting this happen in time. Even if we want to win the lottery, we must go out and buy the ticket. You see, we have to take the initiative to do something to cause something to happen. Getting over feelings of grief, anxiety, sadness, guilt, and anger are no different. 

You see, the last month has really been a testament to the wounds and scars that I carry. Not necessarily on my body, but the calluses I carry on my heart. We get these callus on our body where the skin builds layers and layers and gets toughened after repeated exposures to friction or irritation. Over time, I've let my heart go and, frankly, wore my heart on my sleeve for some time. I've let people feel what it's like to share that connection with me. At this point, it's been exposed to elements where I needed to close it off and layer with callus. I became cautious and needed to toughen my heart. Grow up. Become stronger. Become wiser. Become protected. In the past month I've learned a lot about how I tried to protect that and how well it (didn't) work. I recently found out my recent 5 month relationship was a complete lie from day 1. He was sleeping with someone else from Day 1. Lying from Day 1. Rejecting my feelings of insecurity from Day 1. In fact, had an existing relationship months before ours started. I slowly began to unravel the layers of callus around my heart as I became more fond of this bastard in our relationship.

Let's say you have something very precious to you. A car, we'll say. Over time, the car really takes some beatings. Let's say your muffler get's some damage after a difficult time. You don't have money to get it fixed, for the sake of the metaphor, so you duct tape it. Over time, another situation damages the muffler. You wrap it even more than before to ensure it won't happen again. Yet again, you expose it to outside elements that damage it. You wrap it even MORE than before. Now there's layers upon layers upon layers of tape holding that together to ensure that it is protected and safe. But...once you are ready to remove the muffler to replace it, it's a difficult reminder of how damaged it has become and how difficult it is to reveal it again. It's something I've had to deal with recently. I've callused my heart so much that it seems harder and harder to let myself open up to others I want to. It's not going to be easy. And it's certainly not fair to the other person. But...the true testament to this situation proves itself to be a benefit for me. The person who genuinely understands why the calluses are there, is the one who will understand the patience required for me to open again, even (and most importantly) the calluses from over 5 years ago.

The point here? Time does not heal all wounds. Actually, it's what you do with the time that heals. As with any other aspect of life, mourning, grief, anger, confusion, and guilt is an active, working process, not a time-elapsed passive one. It would be foolish of me to think the wounds from 5 years ago would heal without any painful scars for others to see. I know for a fact that my emotional scars are visible to others who try to get close to me. It's something I deal with on a regular basis. Will I ever get over this? Perhaps not. But with the right time, the right remedy, the right patience, and the right person, my callus will start to peel away.

I'll be waiting.

I Think You Should Know...

I hope know you are reading this at some point. And you should know that this is for you. Others will be confused and think I'm writing this for them, or someone else they may know. But this is for you. I don't know what has happened in the past, and I'm well aware of the hopelessness I portray in this blog. I don't really care. I don't care if nothing more develops from us than our current status. But if I don't say this, then how will I ensure that someone else makes sure you know this?

This is for you.

I know you know life is not easy. I know life is not easy. Every day is so unique and unpredictable. You wake up and as much as you plan, you never know exactly how your day will turn out. The day is full of unforeseen challenges. Some days it can be difficult to simply lift your feet and roll out of bed in the morning. I know. To face reality and put on that smile. Some days, it takes a lot. But please know that your smile has kept me going on more days than you know, and more than I care to share. Never forget that, even through the toughest times. Know that your smile brightens someones day. I know, I sound crazy. But it is incredible if we just stop for a couple seconds in our busy busy lives and think about what makes us happy. What makes you smile? Who makes you smile? Just picture that for a couple seconds to get through your day. Screw coffee and energy drinks.

So, smile more often. You have so many reasons to. 

You won't always be perfect. Neither will I. Because nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect. Nobody is perfect and nobody has it easy. Everybody has challenges and issues to fight through. It's all relative what we perceive as a challenge. You will never know exactly what I'm going through. And that''s okay, I think. Because I will never know exactly what you're going through. I guess we are all fighting out own unique little wars. I can be your supporter if you let me. But I can't fight your battles with you if you don't trust me enough to be on your side. Otherwise, it's you against me.

But, we are fighting through it simultaneously, together. 


Don't change. You have changed a lot, and so have I. You have an amazing personality. You don't take shit from anybody. And I love that. Even when that shit is from me. You are so responsible and individualistic and my wish is that you will hold onto and embrace those qualities. It is just one trait that makes you so appealing. 


Whenever somebody discredits you, and tells you that you can't do something, you prove them wrong. Keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations. I think you know that, though. When someone says you can't, most likely its because their own limitations  have proven that point to themselves in the past. Ignore their words. Don't give in. In this crazy, busy world, that's trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. I know you can do it.  Too often, people blend in with their peers and lose their self identity. Don't cave in. Be different. Stay different. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. Then keep laughing....because i like your smile :)


Remember...our courage doesn't always roar aloud. I know you know this. You are humble and don't listen for a roar. But sometimes, we all need some kind of feedback from our biggest aspirations to ensure that we did good and encourage us to keep going. Sometimes, it's the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, "I will try again tomorrow." Tomorrow is always a 2nd chance to make a better today. So stand strong, friend! Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out. Optimistic people are fun to hang around with. But know your optimism carries with you and resonates with those who need a little boost of optimism. You are good at sharing that. 


And I am committed to making the best of it along with you. Maybe not now. Maybe not in a couple of years. Maybe not ever in the way I plan. But I know this is part of my life mission.


I just thought you should know.

It's All About Dancing In The Rain

Recently, I've found myself in a kind of.....funk, if you will. School is almost over, and while it is kicking my ass, I'm still "working" a good 40 hours a week (minimum). I've joined two new committees of young professionals, and have found myself gasping for a second to breathe. Monday night I worked on a midterm until 4:30am tuesday, at which point was pointless to sleep and ended up staying up for 41 hours. I mean...I only fell asleep at my computer, at the ReStore, on the way back to work in someone's car, and almost on the way home riding my bike.

Anyway, point is, between the things listed and some other personal things I've been trying to accept and work though, I've been needing to remind myself that if you find yourself stranded in the middle of a thunderstorm....you can either be pissed at mother nature and cuss at the world, or you can accept that things happen, good or bad, and just learn to dance in the rain.

Here are a couple of things I think about when we go through things in life and often start to lose hope that things will get better and that what we are going through right now isn't, indeed, the end of the world.

Adversity makes us strong and wise. Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. Learn to be grateful for your past because it helped shape who you are. You are all probably sick of hearing me stress this point, but it really is the mantra of my life and I stand by it so strongly. Thank the past for a better future. Those things in the past helped you learn to be a better person and help you understand things to happen in your future. So live for today, learn from yesterday, and hope for tomorrow! After all, we all know tomorrow is always a gift. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, in fact, its about dancing in the rain! (ok...that's the last time I'll say that). 

Happiness is never constant, and it's not supposed to be. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. To believe that you can reach a state of happiness and stay there forever, is like the tide believing she can reach the shoreline and remain there forever...or like a fruit tree believe that if she only holds on tighter, she can keep her fruit from dropping to the ground. Point is, no matter how hard you try...no one is happy forever. I think if we were constantly happy forever, we would never appreciate the genuinely good, happy times in life as much. Happiness, I think, is simply a series of moments that come and go and add sweetness to our lives. That's the beauty of it! So learn to accept this, and the happy moments you will have. Cherish these moments, but don't let it perceive you that life should always be like this.  

Failures are temporary situations that teach us necessary lessons. I think life's best lessons are usually learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes. So yes, you will fail sometimes. So what. Get knocked down 7 times, get up 8! See, the faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant and happy and all that. You'll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won't work.... So, doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing at all. So get out there and try, damnit! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson..... Win-Win.

Even if you can't see it now, you are making progress. You may not be where you want to be yet, and you may think you'll never get there, but if you think about it, you're no longer where you once were either. If you've at least done something, anything about your current situation, you have good reason to believe that you can trust yourself going forward. Not because you've always made the right choices, but because you survived the bad ones, and taken small steps in the right direction. So, cry for a moment if you have to, and get it out of your system. Crying doesn't indicate that you are weak; after all, since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive and full of potential. Once you're done, keep going! You're undoubtedly getting closer to where you want to be....and you will make it :)

How you feel when you're stressed is not a true, accurate measure of reality. See, just because you're afraid, doesn't mean  you're in danger. And just because you feel alone, doesn't mean nobody loves you. As Kelly Clarkson would say, just because your alone, doesn't mean you're lonely. Just because you think you might fail, doesn't mean you will. Just because you did fail, doesn't mean you're a failure. Just because you can't see the light, doesn't mean it's not there. Look beyond your doubts and keep searching for the truth. Be aware of your mental self-talk. We all talk silently to ourselves in our heads, but we aren't always conscious of what we're saying or how it's affecting us. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. In fact, in social work, we use this model in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). We have the client replace all negative emotions and thoughts with positive ones. They have to say those thoughts over and over to replace those negative thoughts. Sometimes we'll even have them keep a daily journal of those negative and positive thoughts. It's truly an effective method. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative ones with positive ones. The sun is always shining on some part of your life. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep chugging along.

Remember that you are not what happened to you in the past. No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. You are not your past habits. You are not your past failures. You are not how others have at one time treated you. You are only who you think you are right now in this very moment. You are only what you do right now in this moment. Nothing else. 

Being a "work in progress" is a great state to be in. Stop berating yourself for being a work in progress. Start embracing it! Because being a work in progress doesn't mean you are not good enough today; it simply means you want a better tomorrow, and you wish to love yourself completely, so you can live your life fully to the best it can be. It means you're determined to heal your heart, expand your mind and cultivate the gifts you know you're meant to share. May we all be works in progress forever, and celebrate the fact that we are!!!

Nobody else can do it for you. Keep doing what you know in your heart is right for YOU! Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words. Live by choice, not by chance. Make changes, not excuses. Be motivated, not manipulated! Work to excel, not compete. Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else and society. It's your road, really. And yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you. 

Finally, Life is not easy, but it's worth it. If you expect it to be, you will perpetually disappoint yourself. Achieving anything worthwhile in life takes effort, and it takes risk. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before. Really kick life in the ass and run this show. Above all, make sure you properly align your efforts with your goals. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. 

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

I'm no Dr. Phil, but if social work has taught me anything, it is that everyone needs a little wake up call every now and then. Most often in our profession, we see the need for this wake up call at their worst breaking point. It's always refreshing to think about some very simple concepts and analyze how we think about things in our daily lives when we take the time to read and reflect. It's so easy to make simple things extremely complicated. Guilty. Enjoy...

1. All successful relationships require some work.

They don't all just happen, or maintain themselves. Relationships are not cats. You can't just feed it once and a while and clean up the dirty stuff and expect everything to be just dandy. They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that's going on in their minds and hearts. My biggest relationships pet peeve is plateauing at a "friendship" level. I always like to be developing the relationship in one little way or another. Sharing what's on our hearts and minds is what opens the doors for development. Open communication and honesty is the key.

2. Most of the time you get what you put in.

Going back to the first point, if you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you'd like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel consoled, show sympathy. It's a simple practice that works.

3. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot in someone's life.

Way too often we feel like if we connect with someone, we have to constantly fight to keep that position in their life. To a certain degree, we should fight for that relationship if it's truly a genuine, working, loving relationship. But there's no need to feel like you have to fight for "a spot" in that person's life. It should be natural. That feeling like the spot was always open and you seem to fit very comfortably in it. It should feel comfortable, natural, relaxing, happy, and just plain right. Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you...or better yet, they'll realize you are what they've been looking for :)

4. There is a purpose for everyone you meet.

Some people will test you, some will use you, some will break you, and some will teach you. Most importantly, some will bring out the best in you. There's where a true relationship stands. When someone is able to break you just enough to help you break out the best of you that you never knew you had, that...is a relationship. It's about finding the best in each other. However, some will use you and some will teach you from what might have not worked out. Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.

5. We all change, and that's okay!

Our needs change with time. As we change, so do our needs. Of course. When someone says, "you've changed," it's not always a bad thing. In order to learn from life mistakes, we have to change. Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way. Don't apologize for this! Instead, be open and sincere, and explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your head and heart is right for you. No one knows yourself better than you.

6. You are in full control of your own happiness

If your relationship with yourself isn't working, don't expect your other relationships to be any different. If you are struggling to find yourself, so are other people. You've got to know what you want and what makes you happy before you can even attempt to let other people try to figure that out. Nobody else in this world can make you happy. It's something you have to do on your own. Others can supply happiness and contribute to your happiness, but YOU have got to be in control of making yourself happy before others can. You've got to know what happiness is to you. Otherwise, you'll find yourself struggling with a partner who feels inadequate of making you happy...and that's not their fault. And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else. If you feel that it's your partner's fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece of the puzzle is missing. Your partner can never "complete" you because you are already whole. The longing for completion that people speak of and that you may feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are. I know its so cliche of people to say they are finding their "other half", but if you are only half of a person, then how can someone "fill" that other half if you don't know who you are as a whole?

7. Forgiving others helps YOU!

Forgiveness is not caving in. Forgiveness is strengthening yourself. In social work, we strongly advocate forgiveness and seeking forgiveness as part of a healing process, but also as part of a strength builder. Forgiveness is not saying, "what you did to me is okay." It is simply saying, "I'm not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever." Forgiveness is the answer. It doesn't mean you're erasing the past. No not at all. It also doesn't mean you are forgetting what happened. It means  you're letting go of the resentment and pain. Instead, you are choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. You'll be amazed how much pain, suffering, resentment and burden is lifted from forgiveness. Remember, it does NOT mean you are saying what happened was okay.

8. You can't change people; they can only change themselves.

Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example. If there's a specific behavior someone you love has that you're hoping disappears over time....it probably won't. If you really need them to change something, be honest and upfront with it and put all the cards on the table so that this person knows what you need them to do and what they mean to you.

9. Heated arguments are a waste of time.

I'm all up for trying to work through some tough times in a relationships, but come one....there's a line.
The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you'll have to love the people who love you. And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don't let your anger get the best of you. I think people get too wrapped up in their relationships and forget to weigh the good times with the hurt you accumulate. But if you do find yourself in an argument with the one you love, be cautious of your anger behavior and don't let that little moment engulf the relationship. This can be so detrimental to a potentially great relationships. Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation. Remember that the two of you can have different ways of dealing with an argument and that's okay! Compromise. If one likes to talk about things right away and address it, and the other likes to take some time away and come back calm to talk about it, find a middle ground. Maybe the two of you address the bigger problem at hand at first and agree to have a little bit of time to collect yourselves to talk about it.

10. You are better off without some people.

It hurts to hear, but it's true. When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it's probably time to change the people around you. In generalist social work practice, we are all about P.I.E (People In Environment). This whole concept of people are who they are because of their environment. We look at people with two interacting forces -- inner force (the individual) and outer force (their environment). It's no doubt our environment influences who we are. But when we find ourselves starting to force ourselves to shape to the environment and change who we are, maybe its time to analyze if this is the right environment to surround ourselves in. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you away or in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while (or a long while), but it'll be ok. You'll be ok, and far better off in the long run. Remember that.

11. Small gestures of kindness go a long way.

Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get. Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection. The small things add up. Remember, making one person smile can change the world! Today, I was filling up at the gas station as I saw a single mother of 5 struggling to find where her cash was. I paid for it inside at the attendant. As she walked in and walked back out in a matter of seconds, she gave a gentle sigh and smile at me as I rode off. It wasn't anything big to me. I could tell she needed it. But I knew that might have made her day and I'm a believer in "intentional acts of kindness" and smiles can change the world. Maybe not the world, but their world. Your kindness and gratitude matters. Pass it on.

12. Even the best relationships don't last forever.

People don't live forever. Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you. You'll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you. Personally, I know my best relationship I've ever had in my life was one that ended too soon; not because one of us thought it wasn't working, but because he is no longer able to be physically with me anymore. It hurts to know that's the best I ever had and that I didn't appreciate it all when I had the chance. And I never was able to know just how much I meant to him, but what kills me the most is that I wasn't able to let him know how much he meant to me. On a slightly less morbid note, we learn from our relationships. Some of us stay friends. Don't regret a relationship because it didn't work out. Look back and see what  you can learn.
Remember, just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't worth your while.

#26 Start taking full accountability for your own life.

We are all held accountable for several different things in our life...some more trivial than others. Perhaps its a responsibility at our job, or maybe its holding someone else accountable for a goal. Whatever it is, we tend to lose sight on the most important accountability...ourselves. We can have others state their accountability for ourselves, but if you can't take your own accountability for your own life, how effective is it for someone else to do it?


Accountability is all about standards and mistakes. We have to own our choices and mistakes. Most importantly, we have to be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them.  All of you know that I'm the biggest believer in learning important life lessons from our mistakes and challenges. Either you take accountability for your life, or someone else will. Typically, we let them when we are most vulnerable. Not even obviously vulnerable...but oblivious to ourselves that we are. And when they do, you'll become a slave to their ideas, wishes, and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.


As cliche as this may sound, you are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. I know it sounds like something from a Zen meditation reading, but seriously. We are the only one to decide that. Some might make the argument that someone else upstairs is also involved, but the truth is, our actions decide our outcomes. If I wanted a lot of money and didn't care about anything, I'd go rob a bank. If I wanted to become very successful in a big city, I'd work my way up and do it. Simple theology, really.


No, it's not going to be easy. I never said that. No one ever said that. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. They're dealt with these cards and some of them are pretty crappy. But you have to take full accountability for what you are dealt with and your situation and overcome those obstacles. Because choosing not to, is choosing a lifetime of mere existence. 


I feel like by taking full accountability for our lives, we gain much more than the control of what happens. It also becomes natural to feel like you deserve more in life as your self-esteem builds and as you do the right thing more consistently. We realize "oh yeah.... this is what I deserve" and we don't let ourselves settle for less, the more we do that. Taking accountability for our life also means standing up for what we deserve. I've learned not to settle for second best when it comes to a lot of things. I've also learned to let go and accept the things that don't deserve me. A crucial part of setting standards for yourself is holding yourself accountable to the fact that you deserve the best! Don't let others manipulate yourself and fool yourself to think they deserve you if you don't think you deserve them. It all goes back to the whole vulnerability thing and not letting others make you a slave to their ideas.


Bottom line: You will feel better. You'll feel better and more self-esteem when you decide to take accountability for where your life goes and who and what you want to be part of it. Stand up for yourself.


Sometimes the biggest obstacle in the line of our dreams is not others who try to manipulate and challenge us...but its ourselves. Because, it's quite often its you that are standing in your own way, and in the way of your success. It's you that starts to self-sabotage or hold yourself back (in subtle or not so subtle ways) once you are on your way to the success of you dream of. I'm as guilty as anyone on this. 


To remove that inner resistance, you have to feel and think that you actually deserve what you want. Going back to the whole "I deserve the best" concept, you may be able to do a little bit about that by affirmations and other positive techniques. It may sound silly but its amazing how much just simple positive words of affirmation can effect the human being. I know my best friend is pretty dependent on this--and its not a bad thing, per say. But saying the little things like "it's okay", "things will work out", and "you deserve this" make all the difference. How do you accept the best for yourself when you can't even tell yourself that? But, the biggest impact by far comes from taking responsibility for yourself and your life.  


Now, I know most people think this whole concept I'm ranting about seems a little silly and that everyone innately believes what's best for them. But its the actual action of deciding what's best for you that should eventually become natural. It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life, those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage. They don't become translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra push that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don't get stuck in just a thinking, thinking, thinking, maybe..., thinking and wishing stage so much. You become proactive and aggressive, instead of being so passive. Because you know what you want and you take responsibility for what you want!


Make the best use of what is in your power. . . and take the rest as it happens.
Taking responsibility for your life is great, but that is also all that you have control over. You can't control how someone reacts to what you say or what you do. It's important to know where your limits are. Otherwise, you'll create a lot of unnecessary suffering for yourself and waste energy and focus by trying to take accountability for what you can't and never really could control. It's good to take note of this before you take action.


Overall, Aim to be the best version of yourself!
Even though it doesn't always work, doing the right thing in every situation is hard to do and also hard to always keep in mind. Especially under pressure or frustration. So don't aim for perfection. We're not trying to be perfect. Just try to be as good of a person as you can right now. And everything else will fall in place. It's all an input/outcome relationship.


When you think about why its important to take accountability for yourself, I think it's important to not rationalize to yourself that you didn't really have to take responsibility in various situations. That doesn't mean that I beat myself up endlessly about it (which I need to work on). I just observe that I have hurt myself and that's my fault. Because (say it with me now...) I have to take (say it with me....) "responsibility for my own actions". Good. Now you're getting it. And this doesn't feel good, I know. But, you become less prone to repeat the same mistake. 


Lastly. . . 


"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. . . 
Never excuse yourself."

#27 Start actively nurturing your most important relationships.

I'm lying in bed wondering two things: how do I still have the little energy mustered up to do this blog and how hard did I drop the ball on number 27 of the 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself?

The article states to "Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can't be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of."

Let me be real. Let me be really real. I haven't treated friends and family the closest to me the best. It's not that I take them for granted. It's not that I take relationships and friendships for granted. I learned that already. There's nothing in my life that has hurt the most than losing my closest partner and friend to suicide. Until you have experienced this, you can't fully comprehend the stinging, knife stabbing in the heart feeling that I think of when I think of losing someone close, again. Perhaps many of you reading this think in the back of your mind that I do take you for granted. I don't. Many of you have been a significant column of my being when I was falling down. I don't even need to ask for help or wonder if I'm going to crumble down to the ground; you're a permanent column of support. And I need to acknowledge and respect that more.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I get so wrapped up in my life trying to please so many other people that I don't realize the people I should be focused on more are right in front and right behind me. I'm surrounded by people who care about me. And yet, I somehow, for some reason, funnel all my compassion for others...most of the time people I don't know. I'd like to say this due to my ultra-service oriented mind and that I get too wrapped up into this, but it just doesn't cut it. There's no excuse for this and it simply isn't responsible for me to think of any warrant for this behavior. I'm taking full shame of the way I treat my closest family and friends.

Many of you friends have been a crucial part in my transition into Pittsburgh. Many of you are the reason I still have some guilt for leaving Michigan. You all think I'm living the life in Pittsburgh and that I couldn't be happier leaving the Mitten. Don't fool yourselves! Yes, I'm quite happy here and happy with my education and professional standing. Yes, I do think Pittsburgh is a much more pleasant place to live than West Michigan for multiple reasons (even if GR is rated "gayer" than Pittsburgh). But realize that some of you still in Michigan are the exact reasons I still occasionally have the "what if" thought.

Family, where do I start? The title of this lesson is "start actively nurturing your most important relationships". There's no doubt I've failed you, family. I also realize that this can't be discussed about family without talking about forgiveness, but that's a whole new blog. I'm not sure if I can ever really forgive my mother for some of the things she's done (or hasn't done) but I can come close enough to realize even though she may not realize how much she hurt me, I can move on and start to mend my half of the deal. Point is, I haven't hardly done enough to start nurturing the relationship I have with you all. I'm sick of hearing the cliche "life is so short" and wondering what if.......what if this is how our relationship ends if something happens tomorrow. That being said, I can't stand knowing if God-forbid something happened suddenly, the relationship I have with my family is embarrassing I wouldn' know what to do with myself. I'm so shameful how much I complain and complain about some of the dysfunction and lack of communication we have sometimes. This is my family. We are far from any resemblance of a typical American suburban family. But I don't care, really. If I don't owe it you, I owe it to myself to try and hold on to what's left of our relationship. I'm sorry I've been a bitter son and brother.

In one of my social work classes this week the discussion centered around the ethics and issues Social Workers around the country are held accountable to. Some of these were respect, social justice, worth and dignity, discrimination, and the one that struck me the most "importance of human relationships". We were asked to take a look at the 10 or so topics/themes and see which one stood out to us the most. It could be something we want to work on, something we are great in, or just something interesting to us. We were told to pick one and explain what that meant to us, and then ask the class to hold us to be accountable to that topic/theme for the semester--to be more competent and loyal to that Social Work issue/ethic. I chose "importance of human relationships".  I want to be held accountable to uphold this ethic of valuing and respecting every human relationship I hold true to. So many people enter and leave my life on a daily and weekly basis. Which one of those are going to mean something to me in the future? The human body needs relationships. It physically needs interaction with other human beings to survive. Perhaps it's a sign from the almighty man Himself, but the fact that we need relationships is obviously taken for granted. So then, we should decide what relationships are worth developing. I decided I want to be held accountable on the relationships I make with people and those I invest interest and time in. My time is so sparse these days and those I choose to invest my time with should say a lot.

I'm not sure exactly where this leaves me. There's a lot to this whole idea of "nurturing" your most important relationships. Then there's the whole meaning of what is our most important relationships? Does it mean those that have had the most impact on my life? The ones that mean the most to me in the future? Or the ones that I see most beneficial are right now? All of the above? I don't know. And I don't know how much repairing I can/should do before I even begin nurturing some of those. You can nurture something that's still trying to heal all you want, but unless you put some serious neosporin on that thing, there's plenty of work to be done to some important relationships before the assumption of nurturing it begins. Baby steps.  We'll get there. And to those who haven't already suffered my selfishness from my selflessness, please be patient as I figure this out. Things will work out. Everything will be okay.
Baby steps.

2012: The Year We Decide To Change Before We All Die

Recently I came across this interesting article as a response to another article. It's called 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself. I found it really intriguing that it was a response to the previous article "30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself " in that people wanted a more "positive" way to change themselves. Too often I think we look at ourselves in the mirror and think "what can I change about myself? Lose some weight, stop running from my problem, stop spending money on going out, stop being fake, and perhaps most of all stop lying to ourself." But how can we possibly be excited and motivated to change when we beat ourselves down first with such negativity and then expect our poor fragile souls to build ourselves up by telling us to stop doing this, stop doing that. The problem, I see, is that professionals are asking us to simply stop doing this behavior that we've innately or not been used to for years and years and years and sometimes most of our lives. Example: one lesson in the 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself is to stop holding onto the past. Well, I'm not sure about yinz, but the fact that you have trouble holding onto a certain chapter of the past certainly holds some legitimacy and meaning to that past. Is it responsible for us to just drop it so easily as put on paper? The article claims "you can't move on to your next chapter if you keep re-reading your last". Perhaps so. Good point. But sometimes you have to keep referencing past chapters to enhance the meaning of the current one or to glean inspiration for the next ones. Because after all, we do learn from our past.

I'm a strong believer in positive change. The whole generalist social worker strengths-based approach is what I thrive on. Not so much on myself, but with others. I don't like to practice and pounce on what is wrong with someone and then try to fix that. I'm not going to lie, I do that more often than strengths-based, but doesn't everyone? I'm fat....so i'll lose weight. I'm poor....so i'll find another job. No. Then everything just becomes sort of a ...oh....i'll say it...pity party. Rather, lets take the perspective of the first article and say "ok yes, you are fat, but you love your animals. Let's start to take your dog on a walk around the block once a day." Or... "Yup, You are definitely poor. But you have an amazing talent in technology. Why don't we see if anyone can use your service setting up a website, etc, etc blah blah".

In the next few months, maybe years, I'm going to focus on the 30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself.
Of course, its naturally difficult to start something new with expectations of changing your life for the better. There's that worry of "this is how i've always been". There's still a sense of negativity even with a new perspective of optimism. Example: Start being true to yourself. Immediately it implies we've been untrue and negative to ourselves. This may not sound so bad relatively, but it still makes me think about how untrue i've been to myself before I think about how to "start being true" to myself.

In any case, this should be interesting. I'm not claiming to have any answers by the end of this and certainly not claiming to fulfill these self-help lessons, but I'm willing to further explore what they mean and how someone can better understand what it means to start doing something positive in their life.

Should be fun.

Me + Terminal Velocity = Whoa

Ever wondered what it would be like to...

Go up 14,000 feet halfway to the troposphere,

and jump into a blank canvas of clouds

and fall like a gunned-down jet (face-first, mind you) at terminal velocity?

I did.

This past Friday I checked off my number 1 "to-do" on my life bucket list. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but perhaps I was thinking that life is just too darn short. If not now, when? My schedule for the upcoming year doesn't even allow time for dinner or that sleep thing.

So, after waiting approximately SIX hours for the sky to clear up of ominous clouds, I suited up in Armageddon-like orange nylon suit (seen below) and waited patiently and calmly for my turn to board the mini aircraft (also seen below).

Boarding the aircraft...I took my sweet time boarding, wondering how I'd look if I backed out....

Ok, i'm lying. That's a picture of me throwing up a little in my mouth.

About 15 minutes later in flight and some 14,000 feet up, I'm ready to go. At this point I feel like all of my body parts (all body parts...) are strapped up so tight I can't tell if I'm circulating blood or not. Oh well, that's not important while skydiving. So now I'm uncomfortably close to my instructors body. I swear I could feel his heart beat, I guess this closeness is necessary though for something like this.

Anywho, here are some pictures of me putting my left foot outside the plane on the first step, putting my head out stupidly looking down at our open target, and my instructor (Cecil) rocking me back and forth while saying "I'm going to say 'Ready'...'Set'....and then 'Go'!" I wasn't thinking....my train of thought was left behind a couple thousand feet below. Then he says "AND DON'T FORGET....KICK ME IN THE ASS RIGHT AWAY!" meaning... the exit from the plane is most important to get a good balance in the air. My only instruction was to kick him in the but right after we jumped. As you can see below...it took my body a couple seconds to realize I'm floating before remembering the most important life and death instruction.

At this point, I'm going falling through the sky about 250 feet/second. That's about 120 mph.

All you can hear is the screaming wind pushing all around you as you free fall for the longest 45 seconds of your life. You can't talk, it's hard to remember to breathe (and to breathe through your nose...not...your mouth...), and it all becomes so unreal that you are falling through the sky. You feel the wind just brush all around you, pushing you down, up, to the side. The temperature is beautiful, crisp and cold. You know how you look out the airplane and you are just so content about being above the clouds? Take that feeling, multiply it by 1,000 and imagine just jumping out of that window and falling towards those puffy clouds.

Oh, Cecil.....

"See ya!"

"WHOA!!!"

Ok, now this is a feeling I can't really explain well. Right as you are plummeting through the sky and all you can hear is the rushing wind, you pull the parachute, you are gently lifted up and in a matter of 3-5 seconds, its pure quiet. Absolutely silent. All you can hear is a gently whistle of the wind. Unlike anything I've experienced in my life. It was absolutely phenomenal and totally an out-of-body experience. I couldn't believe what just happened. The first thing I say when I hear this peaceful silence is "Holy Sh**!" I could not believe what had just happened. In the free fall, you have no time to really think about anything else. Cecil tells me to grab onto the handles to toggle the parachute and steer for the clouds below (yes, we are still) above the clouds. I spot the most comfy looking puffy cloud and aim right for it.

Right before we enter the cloud

In the cloud!

What I saw right coming right out of the cloud.

It was unbelievable. I wanted to slap myself so hard to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Going through the cloud was the best part of landing. I grabbed the toggles of the parachute and just did twirles and circles inside the cloud. I wanted to stay there for a while, it was so peaceful and indescribable. It was like one of those dreams where its all foggy and misty and cold. Then..... I thought about "Oh crap, what if a plane comes...they can't see where I'm at". haha. Silly thought....

Before you know it, it's time to land and Cecil tells me "When I say 'When', you're going to put your legs up 90 degrees and we're going to land and slide on our ball sacks. Got it?!"

So I steer us in and lord behold, we slide on our butts and ball sacks into a very nice graceful landing.

I wish I could explain in better detail what exactly everything felt like and how I felt throughout the whole experience but I really can't. It was the best experience of my life and you better believe I'm going back! All thanks to a really great instructor, Cecil. He's pretty cool.

Now it's your turn!